I'm feeling a little funky. I started reading the regular round 'o blogs and I stopped. Something negative is there and I can feel it. I hate addiction. A great friend of mine is going through the worst of times and it sucks for her. She calls me and cries to me. I am a bad friend to her. I don't want to hear it. Is that wrong? It is too fresh for me still. Is that horrible of me? Of all the things I have learned in my time I have learned to appreciate the value of a good day. I had a good day. I can make my days good and that is what I choose now. There is little I can effect but I can affect much. If what I have been through left me anything it is the scars of my own making. Life is too short for this shit.

A big greasy burrito

I don't believe in reincarnation. I think it is a really neat idea to consider. This is not to say that I don't believe in spirits or a spiritual world because I do but I don't really subscribe to the idea that I have had past lives. This being said, I really feel like an old person in a 29 year-old body. I don't enjoy the things my peer do. When I went through my divorce I had a compulsion to go out and party. And I did, once. And I drank, three drinks. And I went home. Period. I didn't dance. I didn't pick up anyone. I ate a greasy burrito.

My life is a greasy burrito. I enjoyed the burrito more than the $7 Sangrias and the shitty band that played.

It was refreshing to go out an let my hair down. I always regret it though b/c I think of the money I spent and what is left to show for it.

I had my first baby at 18. I made the choice then to put aside any partying tendencies and raise her the best I could. I had so many acquaintances that had babies young and was a co-parent to their child with their parents. I vowed not to ever do that, not to me, to her or to my parents. And I didn't. I have my 11 year-old baby along with my 8 and 3 (one of which is on my lap).

I guess the point to the rambling post is the loneliness I feel sometimes. I work with women very similar to me that enjoy clubbing and such. Am I alone? Am I really an 80 year old person in my 29 year-old body? Ugh.

I wish I could relax enough to see the value in drinking and dancing. Is it b/c of my addict hubby? Do you think he made me really hate it? I see so many problems when I see my friends "going out". There are so many things that could/should/and do go wrong. I know we live for today but aren't we not really asking for it but should we expect it when we put ourselves in those situations? I need clarity.

I normally count my blessings and can snap out of these moods but today I cannot. I am inside my head. I am having a problem but I cannot figure out what it is. There is something nameless floating around inside of me but I cannot grab it and shake it.

I am melancholy. I love that word. It is beautiful. I wish it wasn't so sad. I wasn't this way when I woke up. I received a call from my friend. She was giving me the details of her night that included our co-worker and an ex-friend of ours. I say ex because once that crazy bitch found ice we had to let her go. It was easier to set that boundary than with my hubby. At least I learned something.

At any rate she was giving me the details of how it progressed from dancing in a club to ending up at a drug dealers house where they were given a choice, tits or money. Fun times.

I am not sure why I am so affected by this story. If they want to flash for joints then that is their perogative. Why I am so pulled down by this?

My overall feeling right now is alone. I feel alone sometimes. I don't feel like I fit in with society sometimes. I am growing jaded and sad. I hate what I see around me sometimes. As a child I believed that people were good until they grew up. Once they grew up they made the decision to be bad or good. If that was/is true then why do I see so many good people doing bad things? Why does this hurt me so bad today?

I wish I didn't have such a problem with Church. Don't get me wrong, I am not an atheist. I believe in God and Jesus but I am also a woman and a feminist and I don't like how women are portrayed in many aspects of the bible or how hypocritical the members of a church can be (grew up in a southern baptist area). That being said, I wish I didn't have such a problem with it. I really feel like I could find a home in religion. Maybe it is what I need, to be full of faith that my fellow people are good and want to do good things.

I don't believe that all people should fit into cookie cutter shapes, that if the shoe doesn't fit too bad. I know that we have diversity and cultures and I love that about our world. But there are some things that cross all cut lures as being bad and lying is one of those things. What good happens when you are out at 3 am? Can someone please tell me what the hell this rambling post points me to?

Sorry if anything in here offended anyone. I am just typing as it comes to me and I don't wish anyone harm or feel that I have attacked any beliefs. I encourage feed back. Did I really just type a disclaimer?

Dump

Here's the problem: remarriage. Do I want to? Can I? What makes me put it off? I cringe at the thought of divorce. I am not entering into this with that on the forefront but we have to be realistic. He is a recovering addict. Does 6 months clean make a success story? Would like to think so but again, realistic. I am not being stubborn or a bitch. I am scared. I am afraid of opening up my mortgage, my car payment, my bank account to a person that has squeezed the life and blood out of me (by my permission).
Do I open the kids up to that again? The thought of telling them sorry, we are divorcing? Daddy didn't recover? Omg. I am so confused. I love him. I really do. I believe that he is clean and healthy and happy. I don't trust him yet. I mean I do, with small things like cashing his paycheck and giving it to me. Small trips with the car, stuff like that. It was hard but I had to give and so did he. Do I trust him with EVERYTHING? When is it long enough to be sure? Again I feel like I did in the throes of codependency and addiction. Ugh. I hate being unsure. That is the worst part of "it". The "it" as you will recall is that demon, the thing that consumes the addict and those around him/her. "It" runs on it's own time frame and it never jives with my plans. That is when I gave it up. It was nice to release. What a rambling post. It truly feels better to get it out. That energy is destructive to the mind and spirit. Thanks for the unloading.

Squeezing my lemons.

Parenting is probably one of the most underrated jobs ever. The top is being in a relationship and being a parent. I cannot think of a situation with more time bombs just tick tick ticking away.
The shit happens when one parent is the disciplinarian and the other, well, a friend. I am always the "bad guy", the one that kills fun time for bed time and the one that makes them brush their teeth. I make them do homework and check their folders and he takes them on bike rides. Great. I am glad that they are bonding.
Hell no.
I actually heard him tell the kids "you better hurry and get this done or we will all be in trouble". WTF.
That was really said. I don't fucking think so. We are in this job together. The kids aren't supposed to like us. Love us, yeah. Trust us, yeah. Respect us, yeah. Like us, conditional (depending on the moment).
Boiling mad right now. Just might explode. But alas, here I sit, typing a short entry into my blog. You might here me explode in a bit. Don't worry, it isn't terminal. It is just another night in paradise. The good thing about it is the kids are now all in their rooms and I don't have to watch football! When life gives you lemons throw them at someone near you!

Roses are red.

My old man turned 22 yesterday. I am estimating his mental age a little but we are definitely out of the teen age years. Sometimes I would put him closer to his actual age (34) but for the most part b/c of the fart jokes he is still in the early twenties. I am pleased to say that he is still employed and has twice cashed his checks without me and deposited them into my bank account without me. You must know what an accomplishment this is. I was even shown the check stubs! We are getting so responsible.
I was a little concerned b/c the deposit amount didn't match the check amount. I was waiting, deciding how to handle this when I was surprised with a dozen roses delivered to my work! I am in love.
So he was properly banged for his birthday.
I am swamped with school and work. I am debating on a major change (again!). I am never satisfied. Does anyone else go through this? Why are we defined by our careers? Ugh. I need a guidance counselor. Will I always go through this? How can a 20 year old person know exactly what they want to be? I am the only person in any of my classes that flip flops like this. Help!
I cannot decide if a job with actual money is worth the change. I am giving so much of myself away right now. I want to be fairly compensated for it. I currently make about $40-50k a year (depending on the market) and I don't want to work this damn hard only to make the same money. Is is wrong of me? I feel the pull of the legal field so strong and I want to do it. Help!!!!

But my stapler...

I am sure that everyone has seen Office Space by now. Well, the poor fellow that keeps getting shoved into closets and basements, that is me. We are moving my department into a break room. This break room has "permanent dirt" that cannot be cleaned. It is also the location of the coffee machine and fridge. Everyone comes in there and heats up their smelly food. It has tile floors. The majority of work I do is over the phone. I am sure it will be loud as hell. I am actually feeling very unappreciated today. I am going to whine and stomp my feet I think. Some days being 5 really rocks.

How the necklace ruined my day

I was a married to an addict long enough to have everything of value pawned for drugs. I am now acquiring those things that were stolen and sold for a fraction of their price for crack. It has been fun buying a new camera, dvd's, TVs and jewelry. I am a little tight so I don't buy very expensive items for myself. I do splurge on the kids though. My last insane purchase for myself was my Coach purse and wallet. Guys will never understand the purse obsession.
ps My Louis Vitton purse was also pawned. What a sad day.

To the point. My necklace is missing. It is my fault. I took it off at the computer desk. Even when taking it off I remember making a mental note to put it up. My room is not a sacred hideaway like my parents was. My children are welcome anytime and my 3 year old loves it in here. She also loves jewelry.

So my necklace isn't just lost, it is dead. I cannot find it anywhere. I am disappointed but mostly because of the symbolic meaning behind that necklace. It was a necklace the C bought me. I really didn't care for the style but I loved it because of the care and pride he showed when he gave it to me.

I have looked for it for weeks and it didn't occur to me that he could have pawned it until my friend, A, mentioned her camera is gone. Well those of you that have found her blog probably can guess where that camera is. I remember those feelings. Such frustration and hurt. It made me remember wondering about my camcorder, dvds, whatever. Then I thought about the necklace.

He was hurt when I brought it up but he does have some history there. He told me that he hadn't been in a pawn shop in months. He didn't swear it. He didn't promise it. He didn't defend it and then get really mad and bring up something that I never did (cheat) to take the focus off him. He just said that it upsets him that I have that question but he understands why.

I would just really feel better if the necklace appeared. I hate that doubt. To be honest though, I hadn't thought about him pawning it until now and I do feel that I am barking up the wrong tree. In the past when I thought something about a situation, usually my first gut feeling was always right. When the necklace disappeared I didn't think that way at all. He has a job and has money. He has gained 20 pounds since coming home in July.

Now I sound like I am defending him. Funny how we (codies) will do that. Be that as it may, even is he did pawn it I cannot stop him from doing so. I have learned much about addiction in the past year, more than I did in any other year. I have learned that I truly cannot control C, change C or cause his addiction. I do have a firm grasp on that. One day, in 20 years I will find that stupid necklace in some obscure corner of this house and I will present it to my three year old, then 23, with her present. I am sure she will love it now as much as she did on the day she picked it up and took it with all the other socks I am missing.

Back To Hell

Literally. We have to go back to Hell and clear up C's court troubles there. We. Yes we. I was looking up bus tickets b/c he didn't have access to the Internet at his job, not to mention he is computer illiterate, and he mentioned to me that he was a little afraid of going.

What? Well he told me later, on his lunch break, that he was afraid of going there alone. It was such a bad place for us. Not the place, but what spot he was in his addiction when he was there. It was a bad place for us both. That is why I call it hell. It really sucks there, especially when you are born and raised in a metroplex area. We didn't know what we were going to, really. It was one of the most impulsive things I have ever done in my entire life.

At any rate, it was an experience that had to happen and one I don't regret. I learned a lot about myself and he did as well. He asked me to go with him. I agreed. He asked for my support, not my support, but the support of a friend in a hard place. It was the first time he has ever asked for something like that. And it was the first time that I didn't volunteer it. I guess it happened like it is suppose to. You know, someone asks for help and they receive it. What a novel idea!

At any rate. I am pleased with it. If one of us has to go back there and needs support then the other should be able and willing to do it. And I am. And he is ready to go. It is a formality really. All we are doing is having the DWI crap transferred to our area. He has to do it in person though. Fucking red tape.

Have a great night! Will post when I can ( I only have about, umm, 12 papers due at the end of this month). I love school. =)

Who am I

I love words. I think they are so underrated as a form of expression. Some of you know how I cherish cuss words and the meanings they show when used in certain situations.

Where does this lead my post you wonder. Well I think I need to clarify why some of my comments on blogs show up with my blog title and others with the Google account name Step Back Jack. Here is the story (not riveting, just background):

Once upon a time a lonely woman was on Craigs List attempting to find "great deals" to cheaply furnish her new home. She bought the home with no belongings having left them all in a place called hell some 400 miles to the west. I stumbled upon their community for recovery and out of curiosity I clicked. What a mess that place is and if you want to end up worse than your arrival, please go. A kind,compassionate person found me there and invited me to view her blog (thanks JW for your passion, making a difference. You have made so many people feel like I have and have brought such wonderful people here that I would have never had the privilege of knowing, cyber friends. It almost makes everything you went through justified, I said almost ;) ). Before she found me I didn't have a clue about blogs or where to find them (obviously if I didn't know about them then I wouldn't be able to find them, duh). She gave me a little background on her situation and I felt compelled to continue reading. I went for weeks reading her blog and finding others that found her. I decided to make by own blog. I did not have a Google account and needed to set one up. I make all of my passwords dirty words (like I said I love the expressions and meanings) and was hostile when making this account. Recovery hits everyone differently and I was angry for a good part of mine (I still am, sometimes). I started my blog and named is the appropriate name, Married to My Ex. At the time I assumed that C would leave rehab and die of an overdose but I was still married to that obsession, that need to help, control, change. The fact that he stayed for 4 months and has so far been clean is incidental. Until I sought help for myself I would have always been married and unavailable to anyone, mostly to myself. So when you see my comments as Step Back Jack you know it is me. I am both attached and available, detached and clingy, married and divorced. This is a process, as I have finally learned, of letting go and reclaiming. It isn't easy but as I have written in the past, the most noble or correct way is usually the hard way. Anything worth having is always worked for. how else can you appreciate it?

She finally did it!!!!

My friend A has decided to blog, finally! She is moving out of denial and into recovery but needs some help. She knows how much blogging has helped me so she is trying it. She really needs it with all of the shit her hubby is doing. Check her out here at More Mad.

5 reasons why Dexter is ruling my life.

#1 I am not able to think about any other police, forensic or investigative shows now. The point of view the show uses makes me happy because we hear his thoughts, and boy are they funny.

#2 I love the sister in this show. She kills me. I hate that she is rail thin but I do love her flawed but well meaning character.

#3 Most of the characters on the show are great. You can really learn to love or hate them and that makes me feel super connected.

#4 It is clever and dry. I love dry comedy and this show is full of it. It also has it's dramatic moments. Sopranos was similar in the respect.

#5 It is graphic and gory and I am a fan of horror/sci fi. (Also, Dexter has a hot body, but I cannot make up my mind about his face)

All of these reasons keep me from going to bed on time and from studying/homework. I am glad that the reruns have stopped and the new season starts soon. Then I am only hypnotized one night a week instead of 5.

Wondering

My friend, A, has decided to leave her crack addicted hubby. I can feel it. It makes my stomach hurt. The same way an addict can spot another addict and know he/she is using is the same way a codie can spot another codie and know when they are "using". I knew he was about to binge and I asked her if she did. She admitted that she could feel it. It is something I think we can all feel.

I hate that drugs and alcohol rule and ruin so many people. It isn't just the addict, it is so far reaching. It screws up so many people. Society needs to do more than what is does now to fight addiction and the problems is causes.

I don't see addiction being addressed in the manner needed to curb it. If awareness and acceptance are stressed maybe it will change some lives. I know that until I fully understood addiction I really put C in the dirt and gutter. So many of my loved ones still would but they don't understand. It isn't a choice. It took me YEARS to get that small concept but it changed my thinking.

I drive down a road littered with crack heads and I used to think of them as trash. Not anymore. Now I see them for what they are; sick, lonely and lost. It is overwhelming sometimes. I know I can't change the world, but I would like to make it a little better.

What?

You know that hero voice, the one super heroes use when they are injured but they continue on? Well think that when reading this: can't go on.... too much homework... must read another chapter... must write a 30 pages paper on something on humanities which really, if you take a pic of my class everyone looks like the pic I am posting here... must write not so fun papers...

Oh yes, I am totally overwhelmed, but only for a moment. I am finding my groove. Lord, I hope I find that groove. C is well. He hasn't cracked or anything so that everyday is looking a little brighter. Everyday that isn't clouded with crack, liquor or that blood sucking whore Vicodin is a super day! (why don't I tell you how I really feel, huh?) ;)

So, I am reading posts, I promise and when I get pissed I will cuntface over at JW's place but I promise I am still around, just got my balls to the walls baby!

Quickee

School was awesome. As I walked on the campus with my backpack I felt like I was home. I love school. It is one area that I am truly passionate about.

Home is great. I mean, it is messy, but it is great. My son is playing tackle football this year (I am in TX and football is religion here). He looks so cute though.

I did find a scratch off ticket in my car console. That concerns me b/c like a good addict he is addicting to gambling too. C is addicting to everything that leads him to either a bar, a pawn shop or jail.

I talked with him about it and he said he wasn't hiding it from me. He knows it could be a problem and it was a good talk. He wasn't defensive. He has promised to try. That is better than an "I won't ever" promise. More meaningful. He always promised "never again" and didn't deliver. Now he is trying so that is something.

I get my two school kiddos into school Monday and I cannot wait. I am ready for that structure.

Money is tight, but when isn't it? I had to buy my books, their supplies, C's work clothes, and on and on. Oh well. At least it is for good things.

I met with the Assistant District Attorney last week. I forgot to mention it. I signed an affidavit of non prosecution. He isn't sure if they are dropping it or not, but it is a step. I wanted to ask, wtf will it take? It is my damn house and if I don't want to prosecute I should have that option. Damn. The legal system is a bitch.

So that is my quick update. On to the blogs of others.

School's in

School starts for me tomorrow. I am attempting 15 hours and a full time job. I will blog as often as I can. I will do it instead of working!!!

So now I am angry because I cannot find his belt. Why should I have to look for his goddamn belt? It is in some insane place that he put it and cannot remember where that is. Are all guys like this?

He calls me unorganized all of the time. He doesn't know what day of the week it is. I bought a big calendar and wrote out every one's schedule. It isn't anal, it is prepared! Will he ever look at it? No. Will he call me and ask me what I work or where so and so is? Yes.

Oh, he found his belt. It was on a pair of shorts that were thrown into the closet, dirty. Can you guess who did that?

At any rate. It will smooth out. I am excited about school and received all my books through the mail without incident. I am taking three education classes, a humanities class and a religion class. I am sincerely excited about them all. I will keep you updated without boring lectures.

Mother, may I.....

When we get remarried do I keep the name the same? I mean when I came up with the name it was symbolic that while I was no longer legally married to him I was obsessed enough to still be. Any thoughts on that?

Also, it has been a while since I left a meaty post. I will attempt to do so now. I am deathly afraid of my children. Not like they are going to smother me while I sleep. I am afraid that they will be like C. When I was in school and offered drugs and had boyfriends that were bad I was scared. I mean I wasn't afraid like someone was going to hurt me but I was afraid because I knew what I was doing was wrong.


I had sex for the first time to spite myself. I made him stop after a few pushes. It hurt like hell. I smoked weed once and I made a deal with God that it wouldn't happen again. I did drink. I drank at parties but never to a point of black out. Oh, I threw up once or twice but I stopped at tipsy. I did my share of sneaking out and getting caught and skipping school. I hated my family because they were stupid. I knew it was all wrong.

I never went past it though. I never went to the point of partying like C did. By 15 he was into coke and speed. I was way to scared for those things. He never was. If he was scared he got over it. I would have never ever been able to do those things. I am not afraid of life. I am not afraid of the cops (though now I really don't like them). I am not afraid of being by myself.

I am afraid of not wearing a seat belt. I am afraid of speeding. I hate being up past 10 (even though it is 11). I have narrowed the reason why I am the way that I am to one thing : I am 80. I am an 80 year old person that has the sex drive of a 15 year old boy. That is only a recent thing btw. When C was really bad we were lucky to have sex once a month. I didn't want to most of the time. I was too hurt.

So now I am afraid of my kids. How do I make them not like C and not like me? How do I put them in the middle. Not afraid of spice, but afraid of fire? Is there a way to make them happy and level and happy level? Does it work that way?

They are still innocent and perfect but I am staring down the barrel of teen angst and before they hate me I want to mold them. Oh, the pain and pleasure of parenting.

From the past

This isn't a war story because I am not proud of it. But I have a very dry, dark humor and really laugh at some of the weird shit I did over addiction. I went through all of the stages of grief but I think I should include one that isn't listed: Insanity. I had it down. In my insane moments I did really insane stuff. I will put it here but if I ever run for public office and someone finds this I am ruined.

Some of you may have read the Cinnamon story at Mantramine's blog, in reference to her story about searching her hubby's van. Who hasn't plowed through someones belongings looking for "it". "It" ladies and gentleman is that, something we know is wrong although we aren't sure what "it" is. We will know when we find "it". Some of us know what paraphernalia or drugs look like, some of don't. I had no idea why I had Brillo pad pieces in the pocket of my seat in the car. I didn't smoke crack so I didn't know what it was for.

But I did know when I found something that shouldn't be there. And when I became aware I began searching. I wasn't sure for what but I would know when I found "it". I found lots of things he didn't want me to see. I went through a period when I thought he hid things like a scavenger hunt and it was a game. I was so sick.

But to the funny stories. Or sad. It depends on the way you read it. Imagine a laugh track like to Funny Videos, it makes it better. Once when C was high on speed he passed a pig farm. He knew he had been very bad so he thought he would buy me a pig to make up for it. We live in city limits. We have a dog and a cat. He brought the pig to my work. What the fuck am I going to do with a pig at my work???

Once I found a plethora of pills on a cig package and dumped them on the front lawn. I turned on the water hose and watered them into the ground. I think if he hadn't been high he would have killed me. Once after investigating our cell phone bill I found a number over and over. I called it and pretended to have received the name and number from C because he thought she might be interested in a car. It blew her mind that C would say she wanted a car because she didn't really even know him. She turned out to be one half of a couple that sold speed. I should have taken the pig to her house. ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

I found a crack pipe in an empty cassette case with tin foil. I wasn't too sure at the time what those were but he said that he found in on the road. That was paired up with a really raunchy porn mag that cost a lot because it showed everything. All I could think was that girl taking that 5" in diameter penis was someones daughter. It looked really painful.

Once I found pills and I flushed them but left a really funny note in their place. He found it because I found it crumpled on the floor near the hiding spot but he never said anything. I felt so satisfied about that one. It was a really big thing for me because I didn't confront him.

This isn't too funny. Well, somethings are. It is funnier in my head than on paper. Well, we have more times ahead and so far this month has been better than the previous 6 years!! I feel positive about it. This shit was on my mind and had to get it out.

Thanks!

Three and one to grow on....

Today is my littlest baby's birthday. She is 3. She thinks she is 5 so if you ask her how old she is you get that answer. We went to Chuck E Cheese and C and I had a ski ball competition. I kicked his ass. It was fun.

The text books are coming in without incident and I am enjoying receiving something other than bills in the mail. I am a dork and have already scanned most of the first chapters of the books I have so far. I love school. I love most things about it. I love the accomplishment you feel at the end of a semester and I haven't taken one class that I didn't enjoy. Those that I thought I would hate I loved. Such is life.

C is calling on the warrants and tickets all by himself. I guess my little man is growing up. Sniff. He told me the other day that he is a man. I think he means it. That makes me happy. At 33 he should be. He is mentally growing up. It was hard living with a 20 year old so I am happy to see the 30's catching up with him. I guess it is true that when the addiction starts the brain stops!

I did get really mad. For the last years of our marriage he slept on the couch. It was symbolic really, him not in my bed. I put him there. He wanted to be there. It was easier to drink or smoke or snort without me in the way. One of my conditions when moving back in was that he go to bed with me and stay with me. In the middle of the night he gets up and eats (thin as he is) and falls asleep on the couch. It is really pissing me off because it flashes me back immediately and I freak. I have not gotten out of bed except once to "check" on him, aka. police sort of checking.

I did have my house booby trapped one time to catch him (hiding places, etc) but I will not ever go back to that.

Well I have to catch up on the reading and have to play with my princess (she really is a princess with the glittery pink gown on she received). Have a wonderful night!

Sunday, Sunday

I have had the first lazy Sunday that I have had in a while. It is nice to never get out of your pajamas. Well, you take a bath and change into different pajamas, but it rocks! I did do the dishes and fix the garbage disposal. I am woman, hear me roar!

So C and I are being as honest and open about the future. We both know what it takes to stay sober, stay honest and stay happy. We are not fools and we know that hard times always come with good, but it is how we handle it that makes the difference.

Like the warrant issue. I cannot tell the story without it sounding like a transcript of a Maury Povich episode. The warrants needed to be satisfied. We get down there and do the bonds. Lo and behold! An outstanding warrant. Another $1000 down the drain. I am not mad at him. We both called that county on separate occasions so set up payment arrangements for 4 tickets and even asked, "Is that all?" to which we got a "Yes" but apparently not.

I used to truly believe that police were honest and as long as you did the right things then they would work for you. Wrong. I have been lied to twice and the only wrong things I have ever done was a seat belt ticket in high school, a speeding ticket and a ticket for out dated registration. The end. Oh yeah, and a MIP in high school for being around people with alcohol at a street dance in the town I lived in. That was a crock of shit.

At any rate. I am really down with law enforcement and it will take a lot to resume that level of respect. I even donate annually to the something fund for fallen officers and their families. Ugh. Reality sucks.

So that is Sunday. Nothing big. Which makes it my favorite kind of days. And for the codependents out there, he is calling these places too. I am not doing it for him. Me saying this almost sounds like an admission of guilt, huh?

My Major

When narrowing down my major I considered many things. I have a strong background in sales, automotive, customer service and food service industries. I am a quick learner and enjoy problem solving. I have strong values and morals (yes I know that I am married to my opposite, but hey, it makes life interesting). I want to leave a positive mark on humanity when I die and want to feel that I am helping my fellow Americans (codependent to the core!). I originally thought that I would continue a major in Business since I have that in my background but that is not what I want to do. I would love to help deliver babies but I would cry when that happens and that is unprofessional. I love education and school supplies. I also truly feel that childhood and adolescence is so important. I want to let those kids know that someone does care about them and their future. I landed on teaching for a number of reasons and having summers off was the deal clincher. I have more specifically decided on middle school and social studies. I have come to realize the importance of history and social interaction. I think the right teacher with the right tools can be the right combination for kids in the gray area.

So my major is education.

Another day, another bond

I bought my text books online. I am a huge geek and freak about the small details of life. As you can guess I am a student that comes to class prepared and the cell phone off because lets face it a ringing phone is a distraction to everyone. I have always purchased my books in the bookstore to make sure that what I am buying is what the professor wants FOR SURE. So you can imagine how hard it was for me to buy them online. Ooooh, scary. What a risk. But it is (whine). If they don't arrive in time for classes I will be a tense bitch. You must know that I am not this anal in all aspects of my life. My car, for instance, is a pig pen. It isn't unsanitary yet.....

C cleaned the garage. He even edged and we argued about the best way to position the sprinkler. It was nice. We have those stupid felony charges for breaking into the house that he lives in now. Yes, Springer can call me for an interview. I know it is trashy. Well they won't drop the charges because, and I will try to be as precise as possible:
Ma'am we are doing it for your protection. Once the charges are dropped and aren't hanging over his head then he might retaliate and hurt you. And, since it is a felony charge, if we catch him and you are helping him we can charge you too.
WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? So you are telling me that when I practically made that department put the warrant on (before he went to rehab and that is another story), when he tried to turn himself in and you told him there wasn't any charges and he walked out and checked into rehab, when I called you and you told me to go to hell that now that the charges are there that you can't drop them, and then you are going to slap them on me? What the fuck is going on in my local police department?

I will allow them the grounds of assuming I am a trashy woman taking back an ex, blah blah blah. But past that, he is making every attempt at getting better. The only person he wronged was me and I don't want to punish him for that. So punish me. That was the craziest shit I had ever heard. I have one more shot, with the supervisor, unlikely but seriously. We go down, he gets processed and then goes to court only to have the judge see that he is now living in the very house he broke into and that he went to rehab for 4 months prior. What will the judge say? Hopefully that the police need a power and reality check.

I know they have a tough job and it isn't the police, it is the detectives. Those pompous pricks like on 48 hours or whatever that damn show is called on Court TV. They dress all nice and lie all the time. I hate being naive sometimes.

So that was my day. Another productive day. I mailed off the money that HE made for his 4 tickets from the previous city we lived him. God looks out for C. They dropped the DWI charge. Who gets that dropped? Well he passed every sobriety test and they still hauled him in for an open container. Whatever.

Oh, and I am taking 15 hours. Yes I love stress. And I still love Tylenol PMs. Until tomorrow.

Codependent everyday

I am sooo codependent. My friend, A, well she is my friend and I care for her dearly. She is the daughter of two alcoholics and the sister to a drug addict. She is not an addict to a drug or alcohol yet...

She takes Phentermine to lose weight and it worked, at first. Now she takes it because it makes her happy, but in her head. She is a raging bitch if she gets mad while she is on it. She spit on her husband on the day of her daughter's birthday party and threw cups at him. He hit her in the face. He is a whole other story that I cannot get into nor do I want to. He disgusts me.

So I find myself here at work thinking about her. She is off today. She took off yesterday. She doesn't want to work, clean, cook. She only wants to shop and spend money. She hasn't paid her mortgage in three months (they filed bankruptcy and keep rolling it in) and Super Nanny is going to come to her house next week. Yes friends, she is going to let cameras into her life.

I am trying to think of ways to rescue her. But I can't. There isn't anything I can say to her to stop her madness. It actually causes my stomach to churn when I think about how much she owes Reliant Energy and how much she just spent a Dillard's buying her kids more clothes. Those kids have more clothes than they will ever wear. So now I have to blog about it because it is on my mind and I have to remember those 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I cannot change it and I cannot control it. It is easier to love with detachment now. It is harder with C, but with A I can do it. It still makes me sick though.

I love my ex. I love him as deeply as I did the day we married, had babies, divorced and when I dropped him off at rehab. He is still doing well. We have had no relapses and we are working on month five of clean and sober living. He tells me he still thinks about it but it is easier to forget.

I am finding it easier to forget, well not forget but forgive. Once I finally understood that it isn't a choice, not a malicious act done to hurt me, I was able to put it into perspective. We don't ask questions about the past. I think that helps me. If I ask and get answers I will hurt fresh. I don't want that. The past is behind me.

We brought up the subject of remarriage. It makes us both laugh. Yet, we haven't done it. He is scared. He has a felony warrant for breaking and entering. Here is the kicker, it is my house and charges filed at my request. I told him when he went to rehab (after he decided to go) that I would drop them since his help needed to come from there not the county jail. Well the detective won't drop the charges. She insists that he come in, get processed and bail out then the DA can see the case and drop the charges. Is that for money? Do they have a bail bonds man that kicks back some referral money? I am a little pissed about it. He is going to take care of it, he knows that he is getting off lightly.

Other than that we are all well. I have strep throat and I have never felt this shitty in my whole life! I mean when I was prego with the third kid I felt dead on my feet but this it totally different. I feel like I was hit by a truck. It hurts to swallow. Ugh. Now I have to wait on my kids to get it. Fun times!

At least I got my room painted! It is a beautiful shade of light green. The girls' room is a dark pink and now I feel like it is mine. I love my house. I love that I own it and I can dress it up or keep it like it is. It makes me happy. The new puppy has been restricted to the kitchen or the backyard. She is smart but young. She is a bulldog and we all love her so. I did a lot of research before we decided on the breed. I wanted a dog that was great with kids. She is. And they love her so. She has the most precious face, all squishy. We named her Suey, like as in "SUUUEEYYY!!!" like how the farmer calls a pig. Her mom is maned Piggy because she snorts a lot. It is too funny. I love animals with character!

Well I do have to fold. The house has gone to shit while I have been sick. Thanks for your time!

Lessons learned

There are two types of people in this world: the "get it over with" folks and the "I'll get to it folks". It never fails that these two people hook up with one another. It has to be as frustrating to one half as it is to the other. It must make them want to yank every hair out of their heads like it does to the other.

I will give you one guess which one I am. I will give you one guess which one C is. If you had me pegged as the get it over with type then you do know me. I cannot begin to describe the level of frustration I feel when I am cleaning the kitchen and getting the kids things together for an outing with grandma and there he is eating and watching a dvd (that he has already seen and I am dying to watch by the way). If my head could seriously pop then he would need to call in a steam cleaning company because brains would have been all over the carpet.

So I am in here trying to relax and not fight. Then he comes in and disrupts my flow of writing because my boobs are nearly hanging out of my pjs and I know he is horny. He tells me he loves me. He smells like Pi (my fav cologne)and gets the kids out of the bath.

We have learned a lot from our past and I have learned to step away and not fight. There is no winner only losers. It is a hard pill to swallow and I have a hard time saying I am sorry. I have learned that the right way is the hard way and if it is hard to say I am sorry then it must be right.

Helloooo, is anyone there?

I took a short vacation and got out of the loop on blogging. I did get all signed up for school and caught up on the bills. We are all healthy now and C is still going strong. He received his first paycheck and endorsed it and handed it over at his urging. He even has direct deposit to my account with no access to it. He is being open now. I am happy with it. It is the most honest we have been since our first year of marriage. I even have on the wedding ring again. It feels like it should have always been there. I have composed an email to the family, but haven't sent it yet. I keep on finding excuses for it. The kids are thriving. I cannot wait for school to start. We all do so much better with a routine.

I have missed blogging and reading my fellow bloggers. I promise to get back on with that. It helps me so much. My PMS is really bad and that started my non-blogging binge. My life feels very positive and pointed. I feel like I have direction and purpose. I finally nailed down a degree (since I have about 65 hours and needed to settle) and I am going with education, more specifically middle school. That was the best years of my childhood and I want to pass on that passion and love. I love education and I love thinking I can make a difference. I think that is the codependent way.

I am off to bed, I have had a really long day. I hope you are all well and look forward to catching up soon!

Back to school, back to school, to prove to dad I'm not a fool

I figured out how to add my prestigious awards given to me by Junky's Wife! Thanks again for those. I am dorky enough to really like that crap!

On another note, I get to meet with my advisor at school on Thursday. I like chaos and I love school. Why not combine it and have a jolly time? It makes the weeks go by pretty fast. I an anal and cross everyday off on the syllabus. The older I get the more oc I get. I have two years left and need to knock them out. It keeps my mind busy which I have found is a sanity saver. I guess that is why I have the blog. So much internal energy so little time.

I hope that all are finding themselves well and happy today. It is a good day around here. We have ceased throwing up, yeah! Now on to the house cleaning. yuck

The bombshell

Things have been well. They have been really well. He is going to NA and working. I am working and coming home. It has been nice and when I feel myself thinking, "not if but when" I back off and thank God for the great day I had. That has been one of the biggest changes about me.

Now, how do I tell the family that he is here? Ha ha ha. Not really laughing. It is a sticky subject and they must know that something is up. I have been avoiding them like the plague. I don't want to hear it. And boy will I. Now I can go back to my codependent training and I will but just because I know it doesn't mean it will be any easier!

Oh help my codependent sisters and brothers and help addicts that we love! Help me construct the best email ever! Yes, I am a chicken shit. An email. That has to be more passive, right?

Still Kicking

So I am here and alive. I have been sick. We are passing around the most awful stomach bug ever and even typing this I can feel the need to vomit. I HATE throwing up. Not like everyone laughs while doing it but I have a really strong aversion to it. I will write more when I am better. Have a great night, you know where I will be-praying to the porcelain god.

Just for today

Blogging in anger must be better than yelling or emailing in anger. At least blogs are one sided and don't require another party, though you out in blog land can respond. Not the same though.

So addiction is selfish. We know this. The addict is selfish and I am selfless. I can support him and listen and care and try and mmmhmmm and listen and support him. I can do all of these things as he gets better and smile and pray and be happy. I can sit here on this computer and take deep breaths and not have the support I need.

So I have decided to be selfish. You know though I am not going to label is as selfish. I am going to choose self love. I have thought and planned and schemed on how to make my life better for a number of years. I think it hasn't been smooth, not like any life is smooth, for a number of reasons but the biggest one is me. Do I demand it? No. I give it and don't accept it. I should expect it and I don't. I will help someone with every bit that I can and when I need it I don't receive it. I am either too ashamed to ask for it or (usually) I won't accept when it is offered. Is it pride? Is it shame? Are the rhetorical questions?

I know I am tired. No amount of happiness or sadness or shame or love or anything is worth how fucking tired I am. I have learned some very valuable lessons about myself. The most important that the best or worst friend I can have is me. I am not a very good friend to myself and I want to be. I don't want to give, give, give and refuse to take. I don't want to take for the wrong reasons. I want to balance my life and my thinking. It makes me more sound and sane. It makes my life more sane and right.

If the hardest way is usually the right way then I will have to pull myself up by the boot straps and march on. The only problem I have with that is the fear of becoming an unfeeling bitch. How is the perfect balance achieved? What are the best tools that I can use to become more harmonious? Is harmony a pipe dream?

We are communicating better though. I have told him how I feel thought I probably yelled more than I should have. On a positive note C has a job. It isn't anything prestigious but it is glorious! Baby steps. He even did the right thing. The application had a spot for offenses and he listed one but not another important one. The manager had expressed a desire to hire him pending a back ground check. I told C that he should call the manager and tell him about the other offenses. He didn't want to and put it off. Old codependent ways die hard! I let him do it own his own (gentle urging) and he did and he got the job! Orientation and paperwork tomorrow! Yes! That is the first honest thing I have seen him do that he really didn't want to. Maybe I am not dreaming!

So as you can guess I got mine. And I got is over and over. So now that we are all sexed up we are a little tense. We both feel it. It is like, what next? What do we do now? We are walking on egg shells trying to balance our happiness and worry and NA meetings. Wow. I am really trying to communicate with him. That is something that we didn't do well before. But what addict/codependent does? We are learning to live with each other again as well as adjust to a clean environment. Scary and exciting. Any advice?? From both sides please. I can tend to be somewhat overbearing and controlling (figure that!) and would like some advice on backing off and letting go, detaching. So much easier to see it in someone Else's life!

Wow

Sometimes I really think I am psychic. I mean, I can think of a song, the most obscure song, one that I haven't heard on the radio in years and within a few days I hear it. The same goes with movies. My post last night was the same thing. I told you I could feel it brewing. Well it did. He left. He is on his way to an NA meeting, which I found out now they only offered NA or AA once a week. I would assume it would be every day but what do I know about rehab?

So I am nervous and happy. I am reserved and horny. I am confused and planning. I need to get in line with my subconscious. How? Who knows. I know I am not afraid. I cannot make him better. I cannot make him worse. I can make me better or worse. I cannot make him go to a meeting and I cannot make him go to work. I can make him fuck me, which I plan on doing.

I am not sad, I am not overjoyed. I am taking it one day at a time. I know there will be mixed reviews. I am mixed as well. I do feel that he has changed and I am not trying to sell it to you. I am not trying to sell it to myself. He is owning it, as Dr. Phil would say (not that I watch it but I have seen a really good impression of him that summed it up). So here I go, on to the next phase. At least I am getting laid!

I feel something in the air around me. It isn't tense but it is there. It is similar to the way I would feel before C would go on a bender but it isn't negative. It must be C related though or I think I would have nailed it by now.

He is so confident when I speak with him. It is different than any way he has ever acted. It is refreshing. No, I lied. It is how he acted when he stopped drinking early in our relationship and started working his steps. He was so sure of himself and confident. I believe that he is finding it again.

I am not sure what is in the air now, but it isn't dread. I think those of us living with those of you with addiction can relate to what I am talking about here, the 'in the air' stuff. You know when he is jonesing, and restless and freaking out a little? You can feel it even before he start jonesing and freaking. You can almost bring it on from the way things feel in your house. Then you get that anxious feeling in your stomach and your shoulders are tense. You know in a day or two he will be fidgety and an asshole and then he is gone. Then he comes home and his eyes, always the eyes, they aren't his. He is gone and someone else is there. And you want to shake him, and kick him, even run him over (which I thought of doing, like that crazy dentist that ran her husband over like 4 times, I can so relate that rage) and put him out of his and your misery.

I don't miss those days. Those are the worst days. C would do so good for a while and then something, and I still don't know that "it" is, it would happen and boom, all gone. Oh. I really hope that I can get over that. I mean, not forget but forgive? Let's say we are a year from today and C is home and we are both working and productive and something bad happens, like a death in the family. Will I freak if he leaves for hours? I probably will. Will I drive around looking for him? God I hope not. I pray by then I will have mastered the codepedency thing. I have learned to climb the codependent mountain but when I have to actually do it, will I use all that I have learned?

So back to the feelings. What is it I am feeling? I want to say anticipation. Of what? You remember when you were in middle school and it was summer break and you knew school was only a few weeks from starting? Part of you was dreading it but you were secretly excited? That is a little how it is. I am starting school again in the fall, maybe that is really it. Who knows? Maybe the mind knows something I don't. I am always scheming, something is always being planned in my head and I just don't know what it is. Ha ha. That is the second time I used that phrase and it was for two totally different things, or is it....

Sometimes we need to vent. We need that to clear our minds. It does nothing to hear how stupid we are for staying with him or how bad of a person he is. Why do people feel the need to comment? I didn't remember asking. Isn't a friend the one person you can cry to just to cry? If I wanted criticism I would ask my mom. I won't go into that but most of us here can probably relate to a trashed family relationship, especially on the side of the codependent. I am referring to the post at Junky's Wife. I hope that she can shake it off. I had an ex friend, the Xanax queen, comment on my support of C in rehab. "Why is she still chasing him?"
It is worse than nails on a chalkboard. How can she say it? Why did she say it? She is currently fighting her own addiction to Ice and Xanax, upper and downer, while trying to keep custody of her kids. C is doing the first right thing he has done for and on his own in years. Why would she down it? Is she jealous? Even worse, is she right? Dammit it pisses me off. I mean really pisses me off. I have let that comment stew for a little over 24 hours now. Ugh. It is still there, in my head. I hate it. Hate it.
As much as I would like to see C and I making it I am not stupid. I got a fucking divorce from him. Even if we never screw again (please no!) then at least he is sober and can be the dad he wants to be. I hate hearing people say, "when he gets out and uses" or "he will leave and get messed up just like so and so". Is it any wonder why addicts relapse? There is no positive message for them. I am sorry that we as a society don't offer more positive feelings, not only to those that need it most, but to those that need it least. Maybe then people could shut their mouths until I ask them for it. I know a few of us that feel this way. I do appreciate comments from my fellow bloggers. I post on here to get feedback. I don't live my life out in the real world to get unsolicited feedback.
Thanks folks for the vent.

For those of us passion freaks I thought this was interesting. I am a nerd by nature and am always researching something (never of great worldly importance). This is the triangular theory of love that I haven't seen before but found it thought provoking. I am now wondering which love I have. Hmmm....

I hate it when my kids are sick. It doesn't get better when they are older. The panic and fear that I feel when my child is ill is great. You can't help but think of all the people you know that have had children die or terminally ill children. It makes me thank my lucky stars that it is only the flu bug. If I could take it from them and put it in me I would. I remember my father saying the same thing to me when I was a kid. In fact I can recall a conversation he and I had when I was 16. We were discussing Aids and he told me that if I ever contracted HIV that he would cut my finger and his and give it to him so that I wouldn't have to ednure that alone and he could help me with it. I thought he was fucking crazy at the time but I get what he meant. My father and I had a very special relationship, almost like we knew what we were thinking. In fact the day my mother was pregnant, they tried for months, but she said when they were done doing the deed he told her that she was prego and she was. He also knew the day I would be born. I miss my dad. I knew when he died. Even before we got there. It will be 5 years this December and the missing him hasn't got any easier.

I mowed my front and back yard today. When I do something like yard work it gives me time in my head to think. The sound of the mower is loud enough to drown out distractions. I love analogies by the way. I think of how I mow the lawn, starting on the outside and working it, going into the sun and rewarding myself by walking into the cool shade of my house. I go around in circles and watch my progress the entire time. Seeing the shorter grass of where I once was and the long grass cast aside in my path makes me feel accomplished. I see the middle of my yard getting smaller and smaller as I make my rounds, the incline that is a pain to mow is already finished. It was my first task, the hardest part is always the first task. I remember having that same attitude with school work. In fact during the mandatory standardized tests I would flip to the back page and work from last to first. The numbers steadily going down made it less daunting. I tackle most things with this approach. C does not. When I have mentioned our differences in past blogs I mean that we are exact opposites. We can be so similar but so different. It takes me 45 minutes to ease into a cool pool. Chris is already enjoying himself having cannon balled nearly an hour earlier. It is what drives me crazy about him. I look for meaning and the why of things. He enjoys whatever I am analyzing. It is nearly symbiotic. I thought of our differences last night while meeting his "friends" at rehab. I shouldn't do friends in quotes but it is hard for me to trust his taste in friends. See that is me being tacky and pessimistic, the old me. While I am talking to these guys (and I am enjoying myself, complete 180 from the last time I visited him at rehab a couple of years ago) I am finding out that they too are the jump in the pool types. I cannot be that sort of person. Motorcycles scare the hell out of me. I cannot breathe at the top of a roller coaster before it zooms forward. I have had one gun pointed at me and it nearly did me in. I asked these guys if their past girlfriends were like me and for the most part I got a yes. I cannot loosen up enough to relax like Chris. He cannot tense up enough to be like me. At least we weren't able to before. The codependent book I read helped me with it. In fact when I recently was atop of the highest roller coaster I thought of something in that book, something about control. I am not going to control when it is my time. If that roller coaster fell off the tracks and I died then 1: what a cool way to die, 2: I couldn't have seen it coming, 3: what could I have done to prevent it? I relaxed at the top, took a deep breath and screamed. I learned a little about myself then. I learned a little about me today. If I mow the opposite direction then I really only have about 1 line of clippings to pick up. An old dog can learn new tricks when given the right steps to do so. What a positive start to my week! (FYI, that happens to be the roller coaster that I was riding in this story. I thought it was really neat that I found this pic! I did sit up front once with C and I was so tense when I got off I couldn't enjoy the rest of the day. I have never sat up front again. Yes, I am a chicken.)

Last night was "Open House" aka family night. He was able to have family (other than the kids) there for two hours. It was so great. I was able to talk to him, like really talk. Just being close was worth it. I miss the intimacy that two people share when they live in the same house. Even when he was using we were still intimate (sometimes). His eyes are so clear. I could always tell when he was using because of his eyes. A word to the addicts out there: We might live in denial about you but I swear we ALWAYS know when you are using. Once we have been with you long enough we know when you aren't you and when you are messed up. Your insistence that you are sober is laughable and just flat out makes us angry. You might be a fabulous liar but there are some things that you just cannot cover up.
Back to the story. The people I met there were so much better than I had prepared for. I suppose I only want to see what I want but if I had gone there a year ago I would have only seen a room full of weak, selfish people. Last night I saw a group of folks, all ages, with hope again. It made me happy. What made me happier is that I found out that my hot headed hubby hasn't been in trouble once. Not one single time! Can you believe that? C, who has a temper and an authority problem, was referred to as Mr. Rehab! Oh my heart sings! He told me the best part of it all is that he knows every morning he can wake up and walk out. Some of the people there were sent by probation officers and they have to finish the program. The rest are there because it was that or die. Of course he has been working out and damn he looks good! I wish we could have sneeked away but I don't want to get him in trouble. He did get to cop a feel, thrilling. I felt like I was in high school not sitting next to a man that has knocked me up. He is over 100 days sober. That is the longest time in probably 7 years (because the first year and a half of the marriage was wonderfully clean). Oh and my friends do you know what he brought up? Boundaries. He brought it up and I didn't tell him that I just wrote a post about those. Isn't that nice. I will get to see him every Sat. night now. I am trying really hard not to think 'this is too good to be true'. I am pessimistic, though I like to call it realist. I asked him if he wanted to leave and he said that he wasn't ready. Be still my heart. I have learned enough to know that I cannot put my eggs in a basket with him, I don't let him have the eggs anymore, but it makes me happy. Even if we don't make it at least he will, I will on my own. It will hurt but what hasn't hurt? We have had years of hurt. At least know we have the skills to deal with it properly. I get to have the quick slide of the hand down my leg to thrill me all week though. It is a great start!

Manic Monday (Thursday)

It feels like a Monday bc of the holiday. It is one of only 4 holidays that my work closes for. I enjoy taking it off and made a proper pig of myself. I ate so much that I actually still feel full. I have to watch that. I have put on weight, my form of self medication if you will. I have taken off 14 pounds but have several to go. I don't want to be one of those fat middle aged women I see walking around complaining about their weight while scarfing down a donut, donut holes and finishing off what the kids didn't eat. Food does similar things to your brain as heroin does. Scary thought for those of us that swear we would never, ever, EVER be like the addicts we love.

Patience

I pray for patience sometimes. I am normally very patient with my kids for example. With me being the only parent here though sometimes I find patience at dangerously low levels. These types of days make me very, very angry with C. I know that he is working hard and going through something that I will never understand but what he doesn't get is that I am the one taking care of not only myself but 3 other souls. That has to rank up there in "hard" with what he is enduring. I wonder if he ever thinks about these things. I know that addiction is selfish but for today I would like him to think about me and the fragile way I have things balanced at home while he is on the battle field. There is no easy way out of this I guess.

Labels

Being new to blogging can someone please tell me a few things? Why are labels important and am I doing myself a disservice by not putting them on my posts? And what is a meme? And what does it mean to be tagged by one? I am sure that I could find those answers with a little bit of research but I don't want to. Thanks!

Ultimatums

Once in an Al-Anon meeting I picked up that book, the one with the daily quotes in it. I read it and it all seemed to really fit in my life. I think it might have been there, or on some website maybe, where I read about ultimatums. It said that if I issued one I better be prepared to lose it and accept the consequences. I wish I had read that after I set those boundaries (what I called ultimatums then). What I know now is that I was not prepared to back up what I said. I really meant what I yelled, "It is either me or Vicodin!" "If you don't have a job by the weekend we are through!" and so on. Never ending ultimatums. I got so bad about it that one day I told my middle child, "If you do that again you are grounded!" to which I heard my eldest child reply, "Yeah right, like that is ever going to happen."
OOOHH! I was so mad but the oldest was right! I never backed it up. Too many failures with C made me lose my backbone. I finally stopped that. The day I heard that kiddo's smart ass remark from the backseat a new lady was born. Now I will not sit here and lie and say that every threat that has come from me I followed through with but every ultimatum was. When I told him to get help and we could work it out or it was over, I meant it. And I did it. I divorced him, made him move out and went on with my life. The fact that he is in rehab now is because of him. I took him to the interview but he did it. That is incidental. If he had not sought treatment then he would have died. That is his journey. It parted from mine when he chose that shit. It wasn't mine. I let go and I felt free. Sometimes when I read the blogs of others I can feel myself tense up. I remember those fights and can nearly word for word recall the dialogue. Maybe the words are a little different but as I am finding out we aren't all as different as we would like to be. Maybe he says cunt instead of bitch and she says pussy instead of loser, but the fight progresses the same. I guess I want you all to know I remember those times. If you can get anything from this it is this: The Hardest Thing To Do Is ALWAYS The Right Thing To Do! That is my own personal quote, but it is true!
Setting boundaries, aka ultimatums and threats, is probably the keystone to attachment or detachment. It took me 8 years to get detachment. Once I found it I will never go back. I can love him, but I will not help him destroy himself. I will not load that gun with him. I will let go and step back. That blood is not on my hands. Dammit, it is so hard. I know you want to stop him but if you cannot stop yourself how on God's green earth can you stop someone else? That is the base of codependency. Oh, heavy thoughts. I am off now to work from home and ease off the soap box. Thanks for listening.

Heavy Reading

Whoa. I just visited the blog recommended by Junky's Wife. The one over to the right there, Behind Pinned Eyes. I will have to take Tylenol PMS, at least 4. Oh, I suffer from a similar sleep issue, JW. I thought it was only me. I have done everything I can to stay off prescribed meds though. I don't have a depression issue, I mean not majorly. I do regularly switch from PMs to Benadryl to get a good night's sleep. I cannot turn it off. Sometimes I think that is what C goes through. I am really getting the humiliation thing lately. I do feel guilty when I think of the things we, or mostly I said to him. LOSER! LOWLIFE! BE A MAN!! BE A FATHER!!!!!
I hang my head in shame. There is no manual for being married to an addict. There should be one and I will nominate either Junky's Wife or Mary P Jones as their writing is beautiful. While I feel that my blogging friends are all super qualified I don't think an addict can nail it, unless you write the rebuttal, "How to be Married to a Codependent Shrew While Being an Active Addict". Would love to see the dedications! LOL!!!

Kiddos

I am eternally grateful for my children. Without them I would be someone totally different. I cannot imagine who I would be.

Thank you

Thank you to my blogs friends. It does make me feel better to know you are out there. It sucks that we have this common bond, or maybe it doesn't. I try to find the positive side to all of my experiences, though from the last blog you may wonder what a troll I really am! If I can find new, wonderful people from all over and connect with them, and we can learn and possibly heal together then the experiences are worth. I try to leave things better than when I found them. Thank you!!! =)

I am a hater today

For today I am a hater, but just today. I hate mowing the lawn and picking up the clippings. I hate trying to start my mower. I hate the way the little pieces of grass stick to my legs. I hate that my mower doesn't have a mulcher and I hate that I crawl aroung on my hands and knees getting the clippings because I am too cheap to buy a rake. I hate that I am cheap. I hate cleaning the garage and the way my face gets so red when I work outside. I hate sweeping my garage with the broken broom. I hate scooping the cat box. I hate the way the litter box smells. I hate that no matter how much laundry I do there is more behind it. I hate when I have to wash a spoon to eat oatmeal. I hate that my good bra is in the washing machine and I have to wear the one that flatters me sooo well (if I was 80 maybe). I hate this mood that I am in. I hate the C isn't here to help me do all of the above. I hate being a single parent. I hate that addiction has robbed me of my friend, lover and partner parent. I hate being afraid for my kids. I hate having a headache and not being able to cook dinner for the kids because of the throbbing pain in my temples. I hate lots of things today.
p.s. I normally don't let negative attitudes like this rule me, but every once in a while I have to get it out. That is why I have my blog. I feel better already.

I am like everyone else?

I think I am jaded. I have a great friend in denial of her hubby's addiction. I have previously posted about it but in case you missed it he is the one that said, and I quote, "A, crack is not addicting." (in that duh tone). So now he has a hurt back and has been prescribed my nemesis: Vicodin. I HATE Vicodin. This is very close to C's problem though he wasn't using crack at the time of his back injury (not in the early part). He didn't want to take pain medicine because he was afraid of it. This brings tears to my eyes when I think about it now. I worked about 60-70 hours a week during that time because we were poor and needed to incomes. He did get worker's comp but it was only 70% of his check and that was a big part. So after his surgery he still didn't take his medicine. We didn't fill the prescriptions. Then he started filling them. I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. We told his Dr. that he had addiction issues. I assumed it was under control. His mother (duh duh duh!) brings over her bottle (this happens earlier though I was unaware) and leaves it on the kitchen table. She cannot bear to see her son in pain! Crocodile tears. She knew he didn't want to take them. She left them there and he found them and the rest is history. So back to the original idea. I am jaded. I thought that we were all unique. I mean i guess we are but we are so similar. Why? My friend, A, her hubby is now taking Vicodin. Oh the Horror! I mean, Vicodin served its purpose for me after the birth of my third baby (when I had the tubes tied, best decision ever!!!) and I was hurting and I took like, 6 and that was enough. But for an addict, for an addict it is something else. Vicodin is the baby brother to Hydrocodone which is the baby brother to Heroin. It sucks. It all sucks. I can see into their future. Why does it always have to be the back?? Opioids are the worst thing ever. They are a drain, a leech and there is never enough. That addiction knows no "rock bottom" because it is a hole. A big, black hole. Oh it is so negative, I am sorry.

I really did get a prize!

Here it is, my prize!

I am a winner!!!!

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So you see what I won. The Junky's Wife gave it to me. I am so touched (seriously). I am waayyy nerdy enough to love that sort of recognition. But I am not nerdy enough to do it right. Forgive me, lord of blogs for my ignorance.

Hello Again!

Oh my it has been a long time. I apologize. I was overly emotional last week. I cried (in private of course) about everything. Turns out I was pms'ing and I started on Sunday. TMI I know but it is an excuse. Shabby, yes but it is an excuse. Truth is I am really sweating the money situation right now. I mean we have food and such but the life insurance money from you know who's passing hasn't come in and I stupidly used the house payment money on bills. Well I am feeling that pressure and it only makes me want to brood. I can brood. Oh yes I can. The kids are well. The older two are going with my mom to BFE, truly the end of the world for a week and a half. At least I don't have to feed them. I will miss them terribly but it will save some money. I have worrying about money. It never makes me feel better to worry about it but nonetheless there I am. Other than that nothing big has happened. My friend from work moved back in with her hubby. I am happy for them, I guess. I mean he just decides to quit using crack like it is a shampoo he doesn't like. But I remember those times, the "honeymoon" times as I called them. Everything really was perfect for about 3-4 weeks until he used again, on a binge. Worlds came crashing down then. Awful stuff. I am still no closer to deciding on what I want to be when I grow up. I keep going back to teaching. I had initially thought middle school but I think high school is the place for me. I hated high school. Maybe if I can find kids like me and let them know not everyone has lost hope for them, maybe they can find something from that. C is having a tough time at rehab. And it is a strict place. I am doing dangerous things though. I am starting to think negatively about the place, setting myself up for when he leaves before he needs to. I am building a base of "OK" with him leaving early so that when he does I am all right with it. But you see, I see this and I am catching it. It is one of the strictest programs around. If you graduate you have a 93% success rate of not using again. Sounds great! The down side: every month they go on a "ban" because someone screws up. It holds everyone accountable but then it punishes those that try. When they are on "ban" then there is no TV, no music, no sodas, no newspapers. You can read the bible and play games. I would go insane. INSANE! And that is not me trying to make it OK for him to leave tomorrow. I told him when i took the youngest by for parents day that he has to give me 6 solid months of this place. I believe that 6 months is a good rehab time. That is a hell of a lot longer than the 28 day program he did before. He is owning his behavior but leaving now will only get him back where he was. He cannot come here now. I am declaring it. My what a long post. I will let you rest your eyes.

Rainy, cloudy mood

I have a friend that is experiencing some of the same crap that I have gone through. It is so easy for me to tell her what to do. It is so easy to clear her life up for her. There isn't anything that I can say that will help her. She will have to figure it out for herself. It is sad, and black, and lonely and everything else bad. I remember feeling and saying the things I can hear her saying even now. I bargained, I issued ultimatums, I called names and controlled. I went crazy. She is going crazy. I can feel myself tense up just listening to her. It has infected my mind a little and now I am in a shitty mood. I will have to detach from her and let her live her own life. It hurts me to see it but what can I do? I have learned that there isn't anything that I can do to control another adult. She is no exception. At least now I realize how those around me must have felt when I lived through this crap. It is so easy to judge the situation from the safety and comfort of the bleachers. It is a whole other game on the field.

Reflective thoughts for my blogging friends

I struggled with Al-Anon meetings for a while. I know that there are other 12 step meetings but I always left angry. I still haven' figured out why. I have really grown to rely on the blogs of others similar to me. We are from all walks of life here bound by sadness, betrayal and lies (aka addiction). Fade to black. Ha ha.
But seriously folks. It is truly an anonymous forum here which makes it easier to be more openly honest without fear of ridicule. I have learned so much from the other people that I read here. It is better than a meeting. I will probably look up other groups soon since I realize that human contact is a necessary function of life. I can make up one million excuses why I haven't been in years. But I will spare you the bull shit.
I think a lot about the things I read from some of the blogs here. I think about them during the day some. I certainly don't blog as often as I read their heart wrenching stories. I guess my point is thanks! Thank you for sharing a part of your lives with me. It makes me feel more normal. I am insecure about where I fit in sometimes. I feel like MPJ (I use the abbreviation the Junky's Wife uses) when she described herself (and her family as well) as an outsider. That is what I am and I feel comforted that all of the shit that I have gone through, or more accurately allowed to happen, isn't all that fucked up. Does anyone else understand what I mean? I have a sneaking suspicion that more than one will. I leave you tonight with a sad, knowing smile. Thank you.

Fixin' to

Not much to say tonight. I am still reeling from the effects of the Sopranos finale. It is a freaking show! This is why I like movies that don't require much thinking. It bogs me down so. I still haven't received C's letter. I guess he is taking the rehab seriously as he hasn't sneaked in a call since last week! I am proud of that. More than he will ever know.
I did mail him a Father's Day card. I hope he gets it in time. It will bum him out to be there. Oh well better there than on the street, in jail or dead!
I am "fixin' to" go to bed. I cannot break my Texas mouth of that phrase! Ugh. It kills me that I can hear ain't uttered from the lips of someone across the room but I cannot refrain from that saying!!!! It sounds so ignorant. "Fixin' to". At least I have made a conscious effort. Tomorrow is fun day at Six Flags! We are fixin' to wear ourselves out (I couldn't resist!). I will type more tomorrow provided I have the energy!

Ooooh, anticipation

Think of Chandler from Friends as I write this: I am SOOO going to be a grown kid on Wednesday. The two older kids and I are headed to a theme park not far from our house. We were fortunate enough to receive season's passes and this is the first of many trips over there. I love that place. It makes me really happy. I always had such a good time there when I was younger. And truthfully I love the rides. It is the only time that I am out of control and it thrills me. It scares the piss out of me, but it is really thrilling. I know when I need some excitement when passing someone on a two lane farm road is thrilling!
Thanks are actually well between C and I right now. He must have been really horny when I saw him last because he kept complimenting the way I look. He would always start asking me if I had lost weight as a way to get me in the sack. Oh well, it never stopped him from getting a hard on so I guess I don't repulse him. He always liked me with a little meat on my bones. When I lost all the weight from our second he always asked me to put on at least another 15 pounds. He never gave me hard time about those issues. I will love him forever for that. Even if there was nothing else I will love him forever for that.
I will briefly cover the last episode of Sopranos. Oh!!! I am so sad but relieved. I am glad that it is finally over because now I can move on with my life. I miss it, like a dear friend but on the nights that new episodes were on it was all I dreamed about. I was nearly obsessed. I am glad that it is finally over so that I can discover other aspects of life! lol

Saturday Ramblings

The kids are going to visit C tomorrow. As you may recall every other Sunday is parent's day at the rehab. They do enjoy their time with him. There is plenty of activities and game room things for them to do. All three have a wonderful time. It is nice for me to have time to my self but truthfully I haven't found a good way to spend it. I don't have the money for a massage or pedicure. Last week I drove around the city to places I lived as a child. I spent the remainder of the time in the parking lot reading. I love to read but not in a hot parking lot. In Texas a parking lot isn't exactly a cool spot. I have had a chance to speak with C. He called me and asked me to bring smokes to his work. I was getting a little down about it. I wasn't down because he needed to smoke (I gave up on him quitting that a while ago). I was more down because he was breaking the rules. When I got there he met me at the car. He told me that I couldn't do this anymore. I nearly yelled, "ME?!?!?!" but then he said him. He didn't want to jeopardize his stay there. He said that he was very dedicated to the program. That made me feel much better. I don't want him to short change his treatment there. It is crucial to the kids. I mean, we will get along without him. We just don't want to. I don't want to. I am being selfish. It makes me feel good to think about a future with him. But it also makes me feel good to think of one without him. I mean if I had a preference I would choose him. I just know that now I can make it without him and be happy. I would be happy eventually. I won't lie, if it doesn't work out I will be devastated. At least though I can be devastated. Just a little bit ago I would have been numb having expected doom any day now. I hated feeling like that. I always had a piano suspended over my head. I could feel it. I don't feel that now. I sincerely feel that things have changed. It is promising. I hope that those that are in situations like I am can one day feel free of the "what ifs" and the "whens". Life like that sucks. It is so stressful and anxious. Will write more tomorrow but not during the eight o'clock hour. Does anyone know what that time slot is reserved for???? The final episode of Sopranos!! I can't hardly wait!!

Norhing doing

Well, no news is good news. That has been a welcomed change. I didn't even get a bill in the mail today!! Yippee!!! And the diet is coming along. I forgot to mention that. We have a contest at work with about twenty people. Who ever loses the most weight gets the difference between their ending weight and everyone else's times two. So far, if the contest ends today the winner would get nearly seven hundred dollars. Nice prize. So I have lost about 14 pounds. Not bad considering I love food. And I mowed the lawn, front and back. That has to do something. I sweat like a pig when I do that. And I edged. It is more. It can't hurt. Oh well. The nice thing about these types on contests is that as long as you lose weight you win. I mean, even if I lose I still lost at least 14 pounds. That is a nice start!

Today's thoughts

Today was a good day. I had a productive day at work. Business is really picking up so hopefully money won't be an issue any longer. I also received a call from C today. It is always a nice surprise when he calls. I feel less insecure about us. I figure there is really nothing that I can do to make it work if "it"isn't there. But when he calls and he says that he loves me he means it. Love was never the problem with us. The girls at work are insane as it turns out. I am sad that a great friend is leaving us in two weeks. She makes me feel better. I am sad to see her go but she found a great position near her home. It is better for her there. Oh well. In the fall when school starts I won't have as much time to sit a chat anyways. Did I forget to mention that? On top of everything else I am crazy enough to finish my degree. Yes, I am a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. Truth be told it makes me feel better to stay mentally occupied. It helps. There wasn't too much going on today. I am waiting on payday. Who doesn't? I am not looking for donuts yet but I am getting a little bare in the cupboards. Over all it is a good day. Look how short the post is, it must have been all right!

Totally Awesome!

Are any of you out there Sopranos fans? I am really sad that the show is ending and C isn't here for me to talk to about it. Ugh. We love that stupid show and he is missing it and so much is happening! It was an awesome episode tonight!!
Well, I am still having feeling of inadequacy where C is concerned. I have gone over the day again, though not insanely. I feel his distance though now, with a day or two behind me, I think he may have been a little freaked at how I acted. I am not touchy by nature. We used to fight about this when we first married. He is very touchy and I never think about it. Well that was reversed for me on Friday and he may not have been ready for that. I have this great overture of love for him on the day of his mother's funeral. I should have backed off some. To me, it wasn't sad. I was happy to see him, overjoyed! He was sad, though happy to have a "normal" day compared to his every days. I am not making much of. I will write him and tell him that if he is unsure of he and I, if he needs time to consider to let me know. I love him enough to let him go and be his friend. I love him that much. Ultimately it was my decision to divorce, not his. It was the right decision at the time and don't regret it. I must live with the consequences. I will and will be ok. I might cry, cause you know I don't do that enough these days! But I only want to be with him if he wants to be with me. Why would I want to be with someone that doesn't love me? I mean love me like that. I will not love someone that doesn't love me. That isn't love, that is pathetic. I do love me enough to expect it back. I have changed that part of me. I am not a martyr nor do I wish to be one. I want the real deal. I will discuss this with him in a passive, accepting tone. I believe that we owe that to each other. I love him so much, but I love me too now. I will not accept a destructive relationship any longer and neither should he. I have changed enough about me in these months that he has been away that this will not be compromised! Then why do I feel the need to declare it? As if I am trying to convince myself? I am not! I am excited about this! I talked at length with two friends of mine that are at the beginning of what I experience all those years ago. I told them that I bawled in my car last week and came back in to work. Yes I was sad but I was relieved! I could feel! I felt not disappointment or uncontrollable rage or anything from the past. I cry because I am accepting it, all of it. I am accepting my life and his life. The fact that he went into rehab is purely coincidental. I let go when I believed that he was gone, on his way to death's door. Even now I cannot say that he will not find that path again. But now I can say with conviction that I cannot change it and it is LIBERATING!! No amount of control will prevent it. I am free. I don't have that responsibility any longer. Thank God! He is an adult. I can only support him and love him. Is this detachment? Wow. I struggled with that concept for years! I never knew what it meant! Melanie is right. Recovery for codependents is wonderful. I waited for it and it is here. I will not lie and say that I am not sad. I am. But that is encouraging. It signals acceptance. I am not depressed. I am sad. Way different. Wow these posts are long. Much to say, I suppose. If C and I end up together, well that is the bonus. Bu the game is over. I won. I didn't lose. All those years I lost but I stopped and decided to take it back. I am happy about that. Things really clear up when you do the right things. I am into Melanie's second book now. That is nice. It talks about goal setting. I have some. They are quickly working their way to a check mark. That is great. I will write the letter to C now. I will mail it before I receive his. I need him to know this, what I am experiencing. Maybe it will relieve him as well. Maybe he will focus on him and his recovery and decide what is right. Maybe we both will. I don't want to choose a life without him. I don't want to grow old without him. If he chooses to continue life without me then I cannot change that. I will have to accept it and move on. Of course I will be sad, but I cannot worry about the future. Codependency principles work in so many other areas! I guess I will have to start taking it one day at a time also.

Overactive tear ducts!

I cry at movies. I cry inappropriately at movies now. I might have cried when the boy shot the dog or the mom is at the daughter's funeral with her friends but now I cry at everything. My children probably think their mother is a basket case filled with tissues. What is wrong with me? I cry when I tell stories about crying. For Pete's sake! My sinuses cannot handle the pressure of the runny snot! It is refreshing to think that I empathize with so many people. I must really believe the stories or maybe the acting is just that good. I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again. I love the movie. I don't recall bawling the last time I watched it though. I needed a few minutes to gather my composure three weeks ago when I watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants! What is up with that? I can place myself in the drama of the movies and mold it to fit me somehow. Boy am I reaching for some excitement???
At any rate I never have to worry about a clogged tear duct. They run constantly. I haven't thought of C overly today. I mean, I think of him as often as I do but I am insecure. I am over analyzing our touches and movements. I feel distant sometimes, like maybe I am reaching out too hard? Did I feel him pull away from me? It is hard. I am going to have to give it up. If I have learned nothing over the years it is this: what good does worrying do about it? So, it doesn't work out. I will eventually drag myself out of the despair and mow the lawn. Someone has to do it. What a random thing to end that sentence with, huh? Mow the lawn! I am losing it. I guess I need sleep.
I would like to think about my future. I want to post here that he is out, we are reunited and can actually leave the past where it is, behind us. Not forget, but forgive and move on. I would like to leave the words of encouragement that I will have under my belt solid by then. I want to have assurance that things will be well. Oh, but if my codependency isn't better by then, then someone run me over! Can you believe I typed that? How can I have assurance? Control. I need to let go of control. Can you see it? That sentence about assurance. That is control. Ooh. I have to be careful. You see beautiful people, we control without even thinking. Do you wonder if they use without even thinking? I never cease to be amazed by addiction. I think codependency is an addiction lock, stock and barrel. I am/was addicted to C. He was addicted to everything. I guess some part of that was me. I know it was. The only thing I can do now is turn it over, give it to Him. My faith is returning and I am happy to give my uncontrollable, not caused by me, I cannot change problem away. I was never overly religious, in fact I had/have a hard time with some things still. My experience has been that the hardest way is generally the right way. If it is hard to believe in it (higher power), then maybe it is right. Things always seem to work better for me when I trust that (higher power), though. It can't hurt! It certainly wasn't working when I only trusted negativity.