When we get remarried do I keep the name the same? I mean when I came up with the name it was symbolic that while I was no longer legally married to him I was obsessed enough to still be. Any thoughts on that?
Also, it has been a while since I left a meaty post. I will attempt to do so now. I am deathly afraid of my children. Not like they are going to smother me while I sleep. I am afraid that they will be like C. When I was in school and offered drugs and had boyfriends that were bad I was scared. I mean I wasn't afraid like someone was going to hurt me but I was afraid because I knew what I was doing was wrong.
I had sex for the first time to spite myself. I made him stop after a few pushes. It hurt like hell. I smoked weed once and I made a deal with God that it wouldn't happen again. I did drink. I drank at parties but never to a point of black out. Oh, I threw up once or twice but I stopped at tipsy. I did my share of sneaking out and getting caught and skipping school. I hated my family because they were stupid. I knew it was all wrong.
I never went past it though. I never went to the point of partying like C did. By 15 he was into coke and speed. I was way to scared for those things. He never was. If he was scared he got over it. I would have never ever been able to do those things. I am not afraid of life. I am not afraid of the cops (though now I really don't like them). I am not afraid of being by myself.
I am afraid of not wearing a seat belt. I am afraid of speeding. I hate being up past 10 (even though it is 11). I have narrowed the reason why I am the way that I am to one thing : I am 80. I am an 80 year old person that has the sex drive of a 15 year old boy. That is only a recent thing btw. When C was really bad we were lucky to have sex once a month. I didn't want to most of the time. I was too hurt.
So now I am afraid of my kids. How do I make them not like C and not like me? How do I put them in the middle. Not afraid of spice, but afraid of fire? Is there a way to make them happy and level and happy level? Does it work that way?
They are still innocent and perfect but I am staring down the barrel of teen angst and before they hate me I want to mold them. Oh, the pain and pleasure of parenting.
4 comments:
send me an email and ill add you to the write thought.
ejsblog@gmail.com
Of course I will add you!
E
That's funny. Sometimes you say things and I think, wow - she is me. I am her. I always say that I am an old person trapped in a young person's body. Is there really anything wrong with that? I don't think so. Maybe we should meet and tell each other all of the things we do and don't do. Old souls. That's it.
That's a heavy post...lots of stuff going on.
I think you should keep the name, first of all. It's weird, and I like it, and Married To An Addict already has Married To An Addict...although, you could be The Crackhead's Wife.
Hah.
Ooo, ooo! I'm flailing my hand in the air -- I know this one! I worry about this too, because genes play such a big part in addiction -- because my sex addict husband was so scared of becoming an addict after watching his alcoholic parents and drug addicted brothers that he never smoked, drank or did drugs, but still found something to get addicted to... But the best way to keep the kids safe is to work your recovery and have C work his. Model healthy behavior for them and they will learn it.
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