Back to school, back to school, to prove to dad I'm not a fool

I figured out how to add my prestigious awards given to me by Junky's Wife! Thanks again for those. I am dorky enough to really like that crap!

On another note, I get to meet with my advisor at school on Thursday. I like chaos and I love school. Why not combine it and have a jolly time? It makes the weeks go by pretty fast. I an anal and cross everyday off on the syllabus. The older I get the more oc I get. I have two years left and need to knock them out. It keeps my mind busy which I have found is a sanity saver. I guess that is why I have the blog. So much internal energy so little time.

I hope that all are finding themselves well and happy today. It is a good day around here. We have ceased throwing up, yeah! Now on to the house cleaning. yuck

The bombshell

Things have been well. They have been really well. He is going to NA and working. I am working and coming home. It has been nice and when I feel myself thinking, "not if but when" I back off and thank God for the great day I had. That has been one of the biggest changes about me.

Now, how do I tell the family that he is here? Ha ha ha. Not really laughing. It is a sticky subject and they must know that something is up. I have been avoiding them like the plague. I don't want to hear it. And boy will I. Now I can go back to my codependent training and I will but just because I know it doesn't mean it will be any easier!

Oh help my codependent sisters and brothers and help addicts that we love! Help me construct the best email ever! Yes, I am a chicken shit. An email. That has to be more passive, right?

Still Kicking

So I am here and alive. I have been sick. We are passing around the most awful stomach bug ever and even typing this I can feel the need to vomit. I HATE throwing up. Not like everyone laughs while doing it but I have a really strong aversion to it. I will write more when I am better. Have a great night, you know where I will be-praying to the porcelain god.

Just for today

Blogging in anger must be better than yelling or emailing in anger. At least blogs are one sided and don't require another party, though you out in blog land can respond. Not the same though.

So addiction is selfish. We know this. The addict is selfish and I am selfless. I can support him and listen and care and try and mmmhmmm and listen and support him. I can do all of these things as he gets better and smile and pray and be happy. I can sit here on this computer and take deep breaths and not have the support I need.

So I have decided to be selfish. You know though I am not going to label is as selfish. I am going to choose self love. I have thought and planned and schemed on how to make my life better for a number of years. I think it hasn't been smooth, not like any life is smooth, for a number of reasons but the biggest one is me. Do I demand it? No. I give it and don't accept it. I should expect it and I don't. I will help someone with every bit that I can and when I need it I don't receive it. I am either too ashamed to ask for it or (usually) I won't accept when it is offered. Is it pride? Is it shame? Are the rhetorical questions?

I know I am tired. No amount of happiness or sadness or shame or love or anything is worth how fucking tired I am. I have learned some very valuable lessons about myself. The most important that the best or worst friend I can have is me. I am not a very good friend to myself and I want to be. I don't want to give, give, give and refuse to take. I don't want to take for the wrong reasons. I want to balance my life and my thinking. It makes me more sound and sane. It makes my life more sane and right.

If the hardest way is usually the right way then I will have to pull myself up by the boot straps and march on. The only problem I have with that is the fear of becoming an unfeeling bitch. How is the perfect balance achieved? What are the best tools that I can use to become more harmonious? Is harmony a pipe dream?

We are communicating better though. I have told him how I feel thought I probably yelled more than I should have. On a positive note C has a job. It isn't anything prestigious but it is glorious! Baby steps. He even did the right thing. The application had a spot for offenses and he listed one but not another important one. The manager had expressed a desire to hire him pending a back ground check. I told C that he should call the manager and tell him about the other offenses. He didn't want to and put it off. Old codependent ways die hard! I let him do it own his own (gentle urging) and he did and he got the job! Orientation and paperwork tomorrow! Yes! That is the first honest thing I have seen him do that he really didn't want to. Maybe I am not dreaming!

So as you can guess I got mine. And I got is over and over. So now that we are all sexed up we are a little tense. We both feel it. It is like, what next? What do we do now? We are walking on egg shells trying to balance our happiness and worry and NA meetings. Wow. I am really trying to communicate with him. That is something that we didn't do well before. But what addict/codependent does? We are learning to live with each other again as well as adjust to a clean environment. Scary and exciting. Any advice?? From both sides please. I can tend to be somewhat overbearing and controlling (figure that!) and would like some advice on backing off and letting go, detaching. So much easier to see it in someone Else's life!

Wow

Sometimes I really think I am psychic. I mean, I can think of a song, the most obscure song, one that I haven't heard on the radio in years and within a few days I hear it. The same goes with movies. My post last night was the same thing. I told you I could feel it brewing. Well it did. He left. He is on his way to an NA meeting, which I found out now they only offered NA or AA once a week. I would assume it would be every day but what do I know about rehab?

So I am nervous and happy. I am reserved and horny. I am confused and planning. I need to get in line with my subconscious. How? Who knows. I know I am not afraid. I cannot make him better. I cannot make him worse. I can make me better or worse. I cannot make him go to a meeting and I cannot make him go to work. I can make him fuck me, which I plan on doing.

I am not sad, I am not overjoyed. I am taking it one day at a time. I know there will be mixed reviews. I am mixed as well. I do feel that he has changed and I am not trying to sell it to you. I am not trying to sell it to myself. He is owning it, as Dr. Phil would say (not that I watch it but I have seen a really good impression of him that summed it up). So here I go, on to the next phase. At least I am getting laid!

I feel something in the air around me. It isn't tense but it is there. It is similar to the way I would feel before C would go on a bender but it isn't negative. It must be C related though or I think I would have nailed it by now.

He is so confident when I speak with him. It is different than any way he has ever acted. It is refreshing. No, I lied. It is how he acted when he stopped drinking early in our relationship and started working his steps. He was so sure of himself and confident. I believe that he is finding it again.

I am not sure what is in the air now, but it isn't dread. I think those of us living with those of you with addiction can relate to what I am talking about here, the 'in the air' stuff. You know when he is jonesing, and restless and freaking out a little? You can feel it even before he start jonesing and freaking. You can almost bring it on from the way things feel in your house. Then you get that anxious feeling in your stomach and your shoulders are tense. You know in a day or two he will be fidgety and an asshole and then he is gone. Then he comes home and his eyes, always the eyes, they aren't his. He is gone and someone else is there. And you want to shake him, and kick him, even run him over (which I thought of doing, like that crazy dentist that ran her husband over like 4 times, I can so relate that rage) and put him out of his and your misery.

I don't miss those days. Those are the worst days. C would do so good for a while and then something, and I still don't know that "it" is, it would happen and boom, all gone. Oh. I really hope that I can get over that. I mean, not forget but forgive? Let's say we are a year from today and C is home and we are both working and productive and something bad happens, like a death in the family. Will I freak if he leaves for hours? I probably will. Will I drive around looking for him? God I hope not. I pray by then I will have mastered the codepedency thing. I have learned to climb the codependent mountain but when I have to actually do it, will I use all that I have learned?

So back to the feelings. What is it I am feeling? I want to say anticipation. Of what? You remember when you were in middle school and it was summer break and you knew school was only a few weeks from starting? Part of you was dreading it but you were secretly excited? That is a little how it is. I am starting school again in the fall, maybe that is really it. Who knows? Maybe the mind knows something I don't. I am always scheming, something is always being planned in my head and I just don't know what it is. Ha ha. That is the second time I used that phrase and it was for two totally different things, or is it....

Sometimes we need to vent. We need that to clear our minds. It does nothing to hear how stupid we are for staying with him or how bad of a person he is. Why do people feel the need to comment? I didn't remember asking. Isn't a friend the one person you can cry to just to cry? If I wanted criticism I would ask my mom. I won't go into that but most of us here can probably relate to a trashed family relationship, especially on the side of the codependent. I am referring to the post at Junky's Wife. I hope that she can shake it off. I had an ex friend, the Xanax queen, comment on my support of C in rehab. "Why is she still chasing him?"
It is worse than nails on a chalkboard. How can she say it? Why did she say it? She is currently fighting her own addiction to Ice and Xanax, upper and downer, while trying to keep custody of her kids. C is doing the first right thing he has done for and on his own in years. Why would she down it? Is she jealous? Even worse, is she right? Dammit it pisses me off. I mean really pisses me off. I have let that comment stew for a little over 24 hours now. Ugh. It is still there, in my head. I hate it. Hate it.
As much as I would like to see C and I making it I am not stupid. I got a fucking divorce from him. Even if we never screw again (please no!) then at least he is sober and can be the dad he wants to be. I hate hearing people say, "when he gets out and uses" or "he will leave and get messed up just like so and so". Is it any wonder why addicts relapse? There is no positive message for them. I am sorry that we as a society don't offer more positive feelings, not only to those that need it most, but to those that need it least. Maybe then people could shut their mouths until I ask them for it. I know a few of us that feel this way. I do appreciate comments from my fellow bloggers. I post on here to get feedback. I don't live my life out in the real world to get unsolicited feedback.
Thanks folks for the vent.

For those of us passion freaks I thought this was interesting. I am a nerd by nature and am always researching something (never of great worldly importance). This is the triangular theory of love that I haven't seen before but found it thought provoking. I am now wondering which love I have. Hmmm....

I hate it when my kids are sick. It doesn't get better when they are older. The panic and fear that I feel when my child is ill is great. You can't help but think of all the people you know that have had children die or terminally ill children. It makes me thank my lucky stars that it is only the flu bug. If I could take it from them and put it in me I would. I remember my father saying the same thing to me when I was a kid. In fact I can recall a conversation he and I had when I was 16. We were discussing Aids and he told me that if I ever contracted HIV that he would cut my finger and his and give it to him so that I wouldn't have to ednure that alone and he could help me with it. I thought he was fucking crazy at the time but I get what he meant. My father and I had a very special relationship, almost like we knew what we were thinking. In fact the day my mother was pregnant, they tried for months, but she said when they were done doing the deed he told her that she was prego and she was. He also knew the day I would be born. I miss my dad. I knew when he died. Even before we got there. It will be 5 years this December and the missing him hasn't got any easier.

I mowed my front and back yard today. When I do something like yard work it gives me time in my head to think. The sound of the mower is loud enough to drown out distractions. I love analogies by the way. I think of how I mow the lawn, starting on the outside and working it, going into the sun and rewarding myself by walking into the cool shade of my house. I go around in circles and watch my progress the entire time. Seeing the shorter grass of where I once was and the long grass cast aside in my path makes me feel accomplished. I see the middle of my yard getting smaller and smaller as I make my rounds, the incline that is a pain to mow is already finished. It was my first task, the hardest part is always the first task. I remember having that same attitude with school work. In fact during the mandatory standardized tests I would flip to the back page and work from last to first. The numbers steadily going down made it less daunting. I tackle most things with this approach. C does not. When I have mentioned our differences in past blogs I mean that we are exact opposites. We can be so similar but so different. It takes me 45 minutes to ease into a cool pool. Chris is already enjoying himself having cannon balled nearly an hour earlier. It is what drives me crazy about him. I look for meaning and the why of things. He enjoys whatever I am analyzing. It is nearly symbiotic. I thought of our differences last night while meeting his "friends" at rehab. I shouldn't do friends in quotes but it is hard for me to trust his taste in friends. See that is me being tacky and pessimistic, the old me. While I am talking to these guys (and I am enjoying myself, complete 180 from the last time I visited him at rehab a couple of years ago) I am finding out that they too are the jump in the pool types. I cannot be that sort of person. Motorcycles scare the hell out of me. I cannot breathe at the top of a roller coaster before it zooms forward. I have had one gun pointed at me and it nearly did me in. I asked these guys if their past girlfriends were like me and for the most part I got a yes. I cannot loosen up enough to relax like Chris. He cannot tense up enough to be like me. At least we weren't able to before. The codependent book I read helped me with it. In fact when I recently was atop of the highest roller coaster I thought of something in that book, something about control. I am not going to control when it is my time. If that roller coaster fell off the tracks and I died then 1: what a cool way to die, 2: I couldn't have seen it coming, 3: what could I have done to prevent it? I relaxed at the top, took a deep breath and screamed. I learned a little about myself then. I learned a little about me today. If I mow the opposite direction then I really only have about 1 line of clippings to pick up. An old dog can learn new tricks when given the right steps to do so. What a positive start to my week! (FYI, that happens to be the roller coaster that I was riding in this story. I thought it was really neat that I found this pic! I did sit up front once with C and I was so tense when I got off I couldn't enjoy the rest of the day. I have never sat up front again. Yes, I am a chicken.)

Last night was "Open House" aka family night. He was able to have family (other than the kids) there for two hours. It was so great. I was able to talk to him, like really talk. Just being close was worth it. I miss the intimacy that two people share when they live in the same house. Even when he was using we were still intimate (sometimes). His eyes are so clear. I could always tell when he was using because of his eyes. A word to the addicts out there: We might live in denial about you but I swear we ALWAYS know when you are using. Once we have been with you long enough we know when you aren't you and when you are messed up. Your insistence that you are sober is laughable and just flat out makes us angry. You might be a fabulous liar but there are some things that you just cannot cover up.
Back to the story. The people I met there were so much better than I had prepared for. I suppose I only want to see what I want but if I had gone there a year ago I would have only seen a room full of weak, selfish people. Last night I saw a group of folks, all ages, with hope again. It made me happy. What made me happier is that I found out that my hot headed hubby hasn't been in trouble once. Not one single time! Can you believe that? C, who has a temper and an authority problem, was referred to as Mr. Rehab! Oh my heart sings! He told me the best part of it all is that he knows every morning he can wake up and walk out. Some of the people there were sent by probation officers and they have to finish the program. The rest are there because it was that or die. Of course he has been working out and damn he looks good! I wish we could have sneeked away but I don't want to get him in trouble. He did get to cop a feel, thrilling. I felt like I was in high school not sitting next to a man that has knocked me up. He is over 100 days sober. That is the longest time in probably 7 years (because the first year and a half of the marriage was wonderfully clean). Oh and my friends do you know what he brought up? Boundaries. He brought it up and I didn't tell him that I just wrote a post about those. Isn't that nice. I will get to see him every Sat. night now. I am trying really hard not to think 'this is too good to be true'. I am pessimistic, though I like to call it realist. I asked him if he wanted to leave and he said that he wasn't ready. Be still my heart. I have learned enough to know that I cannot put my eggs in a basket with him, I don't let him have the eggs anymore, but it makes me happy. Even if we don't make it at least he will, I will on my own. It will hurt but what hasn't hurt? We have had years of hurt. At least know we have the skills to deal with it properly. I get to have the quick slide of the hand down my leg to thrill me all week though. It is a great start!

Manic Monday (Thursday)

It feels like a Monday bc of the holiday. It is one of only 4 holidays that my work closes for. I enjoy taking it off and made a proper pig of myself. I ate so much that I actually still feel full. I have to watch that. I have put on weight, my form of self medication if you will. I have taken off 14 pounds but have several to go. I don't want to be one of those fat middle aged women I see walking around complaining about their weight while scarfing down a donut, donut holes and finishing off what the kids didn't eat. Food does similar things to your brain as heroin does. Scary thought for those of us that swear we would never, ever, EVER be like the addicts we love.

Patience

I pray for patience sometimes. I am normally very patient with my kids for example. With me being the only parent here though sometimes I find patience at dangerously low levels. These types of days make me very, very angry with C. I know that he is working hard and going through something that I will never understand but what he doesn't get is that I am the one taking care of not only myself but 3 other souls. That has to rank up there in "hard" with what he is enduring. I wonder if he ever thinks about these things. I know that addiction is selfish but for today I would like him to think about me and the fragile way I have things balanced at home while he is on the battle field. There is no easy way out of this I guess.

Labels

Being new to blogging can someone please tell me a few things? Why are labels important and am I doing myself a disservice by not putting them on my posts? And what is a meme? And what does it mean to be tagged by one? I am sure that I could find those answers with a little bit of research but I don't want to. Thanks!

Ultimatums

Once in an Al-Anon meeting I picked up that book, the one with the daily quotes in it. I read it and it all seemed to really fit in my life. I think it might have been there, or on some website maybe, where I read about ultimatums. It said that if I issued one I better be prepared to lose it and accept the consequences. I wish I had read that after I set those boundaries (what I called ultimatums then). What I know now is that I was not prepared to back up what I said. I really meant what I yelled, "It is either me or Vicodin!" "If you don't have a job by the weekend we are through!" and so on. Never ending ultimatums. I got so bad about it that one day I told my middle child, "If you do that again you are grounded!" to which I heard my eldest child reply, "Yeah right, like that is ever going to happen."
OOOHH! I was so mad but the oldest was right! I never backed it up. Too many failures with C made me lose my backbone. I finally stopped that. The day I heard that kiddo's smart ass remark from the backseat a new lady was born. Now I will not sit here and lie and say that every threat that has come from me I followed through with but every ultimatum was. When I told him to get help and we could work it out or it was over, I meant it. And I did it. I divorced him, made him move out and went on with my life. The fact that he is in rehab now is because of him. I took him to the interview but he did it. That is incidental. If he had not sought treatment then he would have died. That is his journey. It parted from mine when he chose that shit. It wasn't mine. I let go and I felt free. Sometimes when I read the blogs of others I can feel myself tense up. I remember those fights and can nearly word for word recall the dialogue. Maybe the words are a little different but as I am finding out we aren't all as different as we would like to be. Maybe he says cunt instead of bitch and she says pussy instead of loser, but the fight progresses the same. I guess I want you all to know I remember those times. If you can get anything from this it is this: The Hardest Thing To Do Is ALWAYS The Right Thing To Do! That is my own personal quote, but it is true!
Setting boundaries, aka ultimatums and threats, is probably the keystone to attachment or detachment. It took me 8 years to get detachment. Once I found it I will never go back. I can love him, but I will not help him destroy himself. I will not load that gun with him. I will let go and step back. That blood is not on my hands. Dammit, it is so hard. I know you want to stop him but if you cannot stop yourself how on God's green earth can you stop someone else? That is the base of codependency. Oh, heavy thoughts. I am off now to work from home and ease off the soap box. Thanks for listening.

Heavy Reading

Whoa. I just visited the blog recommended by Junky's Wife. The one over to the right there, Behind Pinned Eyes. I will have to take Tylenol PMS, at least 4. Oh, I suffer from a similar sleep issue, JW. I thought it was only me. I have done everything I can to stay off prescribed meds though. I don't have a depression issue, I mean not majorly. I do regularly switch from PMs to Benadryl to get a good night's sleep. I cannot turn it off. Sometimes I think that is what C goes through. I am really getting the humiliation thing lately. I do feel guilty when I think of the things we, or mostly I said to him. LOSER! LOWLIFE! BE A MAN!! BE A FATHER!!!!!
I hang my head in shame. There is no manual for being married to an addict. There should be one and I will nominate either Junky's Wife or Mary P Jones as their writing is beautiful. While I feel that my blogging friends are all super qualified I don't think an addict can nail it, unless you write the rebuttal, "How to be Married to a Codependent Shrew While Being an Active Addict". Would love to see the dedications! LOL!!!

Kiddos

I am eternally grateful for my children. Without them I would be someone totally different. I cannot imagine who I would be.

Thank you

Thank you to my blogs friends. It does make me feel better to know you are out there. It sucks that we have this common bond, or maybe it doesn't. I try to find the positive side to all of my experiences, though from the last blog you may wonder what a troll I really am! If I can find new, wonderful people from all over and connect with them, and we can learn and possibly heal together then the experiences are worth. I try to leave things better than when I found them. Thank you!!! =)

I am a hater today

For today I am a hater, but just today. I hate mowing the lawn and picking up the clippings. I hate trying to start my mower. I hate the way the little pieces of grass stick to my legs. I hate that my mower doesn't have a mulcher and I hate that I crawl aroung on my hands and knees getting the clippings because I am too cheap to buy a rake. I hate that I am cheap. I hate cleaning the garage and the way my face gets so red when I work outside. I hate sweeping my garage with the broken broom. I hate scooping the cat box. I hate the way the litter box smells. I hate that no matter how much laundry I do there is more behind it. I hate when I have to wash a spoon to eat oatmeal. I hate that my good bra is in the washing machine and I have to wear the one that flatters me sooo well (if I was 80 maybe). I hate this mood that I am in. I hate the C isn't here to help me do all of the above. I hate being a single parent. I hate that addiction has robbed me of my friend, lover and partner parent. I hate being afraid for my kids. I hate having a headache and not being able to cook dinner for the kids because of the throbbing pain in my temples. I hate lots of things today.
p.s. I normally don't let negative attitudes like this rule me, but every once in a while I have to get it out. That is why I have my blog. I feel better already.