Saturday, October 20, 2007

I'm feeling a little funky. I started reading the regular round 'o blogs and I stopped. Something negative is there and I can feel it. I hate addiction. A great friend of mine is going through the worst of times and it sucks for her. She calls me and cries to me. I am a bad friend to her. I don't want to hear it. Is that wrong? It is too fresh for me still. Is that horrible of me? Of all the things I have learned in my time I have learned to appreciate the value of a good day. I had a good day. I can make my days good and that is what I choose now. There is little I can effect but I can affect much. If what I have been through left me anything it is the scars of my own making. Life is too short for this shit.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

A big greasy burrito

I don't believe in reincarnation. I think it is a really neat idea to consider. This is not to say that I don't believe in spirits or a spiritual world because I do but I don't really subscribe to the idea that I have had past lives. This being said, I really feel like an old person in a 29 year-old body. I don't enjoy the things my peer do. When I went through my divorce I had a compulsion to go out and party. And I did, once. And I drank, three drinks. And I went home. Period. I didn't dance. I didn't pick up anyone. I ate a greasy burrito.

My life is a greasy burrito. I enjoyed the burrito more than the $7 Sangrias and the shitty band that played.

It was refreshing to go out an let my hair down. I always regret it though b/c I think of the money I spent and what is left to show for it.

I had my first baby at 18. I made the choice then to put aside any partying tendencies and raise her the best I could. I had so many acquaintances that had babies young and was a co-parent to their child with their parents. I vowed not to ever do that, not to me, to her or to my parents. And I didn't. I have my 11 year-old baby along with my 8 and 3 (one of which is on my lap).

I guess the point to the rambling post is the loneliness I feel sometimes. I work with women very similar to me that enjoy clubbing and such. Am I alone? Am I really an 80 year old person in my 29 year-old body? Ugh.

I wish I could relax enough to see the value in drinking and dancing. Is it b/c of my addict hubby? Do you think he made me really hate it? I see so many problems when I see my friends "going out". There are so many things that could/should/and do go wrong. I know we live for today but aren't we not really asking for it but should we expect it when we put ourselves in those situations? I need clarity.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

I normally count my blessings and can snap out of these moods but today I cannot. I am inside my head. I am having a problem but I cannot figure out what it is. There is something nameless floating around inside of me but I cannot grab it and shake it.

I am melancholy. I love that word. It is beautiful. I wish it wasn't so sad. I wasn't this way when I woke up. I received a call from my friend. She was giving me the details of her night that included our co-worker and an ex-friend of ours. I say ex because once that crazy bitch found ice we had to let her go. It was easier to set that boundary than with my hubby. At least I learned something.

At any rate she was giving me the details of how it progressed from dancing in a club to ending up at a drug dealers house where they were given a choice, tits or money. Fun times.

I am not sure why I am so affected by this story. If they want to flash for joints then that is their perogative. Why I am so pulled down by this?

My overall feeling right now is alone. I feel alone sometimes. I don't feel like I fit in with society sometimes. I am growing jaded and sad. I hate what I see around me sometimes. As a child I believed that people were good until they grew up. Once they grew up they made the decision to be bad or good. If that was/is true then why do I see so many good people doing bad things? Why does this hurt me so bad today?

I wish I didn't have such a problem with Church. Don't get me wrong, I am not an atheist. I believe in God and Jesus but I am also a woman and a feminist and I don't like how women are portrayed in many aspects of the bible or how hypocritical the members of a church can be (grew up in a southern baptist area). That being said, I wish I didn't have such a problem with it. I really feel like I could find a home in religion. Maybe it is what I need, to be full of faith that my fellow people are good and want to do good things.

I don't believe that all people should fit into cookie cutter shapes, that if the shoe doesn't fit too bad. I know that we have diversity and cultures and I love that about our world. But there are some things that cross all cut lures as being bad and lying is one of those things. What good happens when you are out at 3 am? Can someone please tell me what the hell this rambling post points me to?

Sorry if anything in here offended anyone. I am just typing as it comes to me and I don't wish anyone harm or feel that I have attacked any beliefs. I encourage feed back. Did I really just type a disclaimer?

Wednesday, October 3, 2007


Here's the problem: remarriage. Do I want to? Can I? What makes me put it off? I cringe at the thought of divorce. I am not entering into this with that on the forefront but we have to be realistic. He is a recovering addict. Does 6 months clean make a success story? Would like to think so but again, realistic. I am not being stubborn or a bitch. I am scared. I am afraid of opening up my mortgage, my car payment, my bank account to a person that has squeezed the life and blood out of me (by my permission).
Do I open the kids up to that again? The thought of telling them sorry, we are divorcing? Daddy didn't recover? Omg. I am so confused. I love him. I really do. I believe that he is clean and healthy and happy. I don't trust him yet. I mean I do, with small things like cashing his paycheck and giving it to me. Small trips with the car, stuff like that. It was hard but I had to give and so did he. Do I trust him with EVERYTHING? When is it long enough to be sure? Again I feel like I did in the throes of codependency and addiction. Ugh. I hate being unsure. That is the worst part of "it". The "it" as you will recall is that demon, the thing that consumes the addict and those around him/her. "It" runs on it's own time frame and it never jives with my plans. That is when I gave it up. It was nice to release. What a rambling post. It truly feels better to get it out. That energy is destructive to the mind and spirit. Thanks for the unloading.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Squeezing my lemons.

Parenting is probably one of the most underrated jobs ever. The top is being in a relationship and being a parent. I cannot think of a situation with more time bombs just tick tick ticking away.
The shit happens when one parent is the disciplinarian and the other, well, a friend. I am always the "bad guy", the one that kills fun time for bed time and the one that makes them brush their teeth. I make them do homework and check their folders and he takes them on bike rides. Great. I am glad that they are bonding.
Hell no.
I actually heard him tell the kids "you better hurry and get this done or we will all be in trouble". WTF.
That was really said. I don't fucking think so. We are in this job together. The kids aren't supposed to like us. Love us, yeah. Trust us, yeah. Respect us, yeah. Like us, conditional (depending on the moment).
Boiling mad right now. Just might explode. But alas, here I sit, typing a short entry into my blog. You might here me explode in a bit. Don't worry, it isn't terminal. It is just another night in paradise. The good thing about it is the kids are now all in their rooms and I don't have to watch football! When life gives you lemons throw them at someone near you!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Roses are red.

My old man turned 22 yesterday. I am estimating his mental age a little but we are definitely out of the teen age years. Sometimes I would put him closer to his actual age (34) but for the most part b/c of the fart jokes he is still in the early twenties. I am pleased to say that he is still employed and has twice cashed his checks without me and deposited them into my bank account without me. You must know what an accomplishment this is. I was even shown the check stubs! We are getting so responsible.
I was a little concerned b/c the deposit amount didn't match the check amount. I was waiting, deciding how to handle this when I was surprised with a dozen roses delivered to my work! I am in love.
So he was properly banged for his birthday.
I am swamped with school and work. I am debating on a major change (again!). I am never satisfied. Does anyone else go through this? Why are we defined by our careers? Ugh. I need a guidance counselor. Will I always go through this? How can a 20 year old person know exactly what they want to be? I am the only person in any of my classes that flip flops like this. Help!
I cannot decide if a job with actual money is worth the change. I am giving so much of myself away right now. I want to be fairly compensated for it. I currently make about $40-50k a year (depending on the market) and I don't want to work this damn hard only to make the same money. Is is wrong of me? I feel the pull of the legal field so strong and I want to do it. Help!!!!

Friday, September 14, 2007

But my stapler...

I am sure that everyone has seen Office Space by now. Well, the poor fellow that keeps getting shoved into closets and basements, that is me. We are moving my department into a break room. This break room has "permanent dirt" that cannot be cleaned. It is also the location of the coffee machine and fridge. Everyone comes in there and heats up their smelly food. It has tile floors. The majority of work I do is over the phone. I am sure it will be loud as hell. I am actually feeling very unappreciated today. I am going to whine and stomp my feet I think. Some days being 5 really rocks.