I am like everyone else?

I think I am jaded. I have a great friend in denial of her hubby's addiction. I have previously posted about it but in case you missed it he is the one that said, and I quote, "A, crack is not addicting." (in that duh tone). So now he has a hurt back and has been prescribed my nemesis: Vicodin. I HATE Vicodin. This is very close to C's problem though he wasn't using crack at the time of his back injury (not in the early part). He didn't want to take pain medicine because he was afraid of it. This brings tears to my eyes when I think about it now. I worked about 60-70 hours a week during that time because we were poor and needed to incomes. He did get worker's comp but it was only 70% of his check and that was a big part. So after his surgery he still didn't take his medicine. We didn't fill the prescriptions. Then he started filling them. I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. We told his Dr. that he had addiction issues. I assumed it was under control. His mother (duh duh duh!) brings over her bottle (this happens earlier though I was unaware) and leaves it on the kitchen table. She cannot bear to see her son in pain! Crocodile tears. She knew he didn't want to take them. She left them there and he found them and the rest is history. So back to the original idea. I am jaded. I thought that we were all unique. I mean i guess we are but we are so similar. Why? My friend, A, her hubby is now taking Vicodin. Oh the Horror! I mean, Vicodin served its purpose for me after the birth of my third baby (when I had the tubes tied, best decision ever!!!) and I was hurting and I took like, 6 and that was enough. But for an addict, for an addict it is something else. Vicodin is the baby brother to Hydrocodone which is the baby brother to Heroin. It sucks. It all sucks. I can see into their future. Why does it always have to be the back?? Opioids are the worst thing ever. They are a drain, a leech and there is never enough. That addiction knows no "rock bottom" because it is a hole. A big, black hole. Oh it is so negative, I am sorry.

I really did get a prize!

Here it is, my prize!

I am a winner!!!!

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So you see what I won. The Junky's Wife gave it to me. I am so touched (seriously). I am waayyy nerdy enough to love that sort of recognition. But I am not nerdy enough to do it right. Forgive me, lord of blogs for my ignorance.

Hello Again!

Oh my it has been a long time. I apologize. I was overly emotional last week. I cried (in private of course) about everything. Turns out I was pms'ing and I started on Sunday. TMI I know but it is an excuse. Shabby, yes but it is an excuse. Truth is I am really sweating the money situation right now. I mean we have food and such but the life insurance money from you know who's passing hasn't come in and I stupidly used the house payment money on bills. Well I am feeling that pressure and it only makes me want to brood. I can brood. Oh yes I can. The kids are well. The older two are going with my mom to BFE, truly the end of the world for a week and a half. At least I don't have to feed them. I will miss them terribly but it will save some money. I have worrying about money. It never makes me feel better to worry about it but nonetheless there I am. Other than that nothing big has happened. My friend from work moved back in with her hubby. I am happy for them, I guess. I mean he just decides to quit using crack like it is a shampoo he doesn't like. But I remember those times, the "honeymoon" times as I called them. Everything really was perfect for about 3-4 weeks until he used again, on a binge. Worlds came crashing down then. Awful stuff. I am still no closer to deciding on what I want to be when I grow up. I keep going back to teaching. I had initially thought middle school but I think high school is the place for me. I hated high school. Maybe if I can find kids like me and let them know not everyone has lost hope for them, maybe they can find something from that. C is having a tough time at rehab. And it is a strict place. I am doing dangerous things though. I am starting to think negatively about the place, setting myself up for when he leaves before he needs to. I am building a base of "OK" with him leaving early so that when he does I am all right with it. But you see, I see this and I am catching it. It is one of the strictest programs around. If you graduate you have a 93% success rate of not using again. Sounds great! The down side: every month they go on a "ban" because someone screws up. It holds everyone accountable but then it punishes those that try. When they are on "ban" then there is no TV, no music, no sodas, no newspapers. You can read the bible and play games. I would go insane. INSANE! And that is not me trying to make it OK for him to leave tomorrow. I told him when i took the youngest by for parents day that he has to give me 6 solid months of this place. I believe that 6 months is a good rehab time. That is a hell of a lot longer than the 28 day program he did before. He is owning his behavior but leaving now will only get him back where he was. He cannot come here now. I am declaring it. My what a long post. I will let you rest your eyes.

Rainy, cloudy mood

I have a friend that is experiencing some of the same crap that I have gone through. It is so easy for me to tell her what to do. It is so easy to clear her life up for her. There isn't anything that I can say that will help her. She will have to figure it out for herself. It is sad, and black, and lonely and everything else bad. I remember feeling and saying the things I can hear her saying even now. I bargained, I issued ultimatums, I called names and controlled. I went crazy. She is going crazy. I can feel myself tense up just listening to her. It has infected my mind a little and now I am in a shitty mood. I will have to detach from her and let her live her own life. It hurts me to see it but what can I do? I have learned that there isn't anything that I can do to control another adult. She is no exception. At least now I realize how those around me must have felt when I lived through this crap. It is so easy to judge the situation from the safety and comfort of the bleachers. It is a whole other game on the field.

Reflective thoughts for my blogging friends

I struggled with Al-Anon meetings for a while. I know that there are other 12 step meetings but I always left angry. I still haven' figured out why. I have really grown to rely on the blogs of others similar to me. We are from all walks of life here bound by sadness, betrayal and lies (aka addiction). Fade to black. Ha ha.
But seriously folks. It is truly an anonymous forum here which makes it easier to be more openly honest without fear of ridicule. I have learned so much from the other people that I read here. It is better than a meeting. I will probably look up other groups soon since I realize that human contact is a necessary function of life. I can make up one million excuses why I haven't been in years. But I will spare you the bull shit.
I think a lot about the things I read from some of the blogs here. I think about them during the day some. I certainly don't blog as often as I read their heart wrenching stories. I guess my point is thanks! Thank you for sharing a part of your lives with me. It makes me feel more normal. I am insecure about where I fit in sometimes. I feel like MPJ (I use the abbreviation the Junky's Wife uses) when she described herself (and her family as well) as an outsider. That is what I am and I feel comforted that all of the shit that I have gone through, or more accurately allowed to happen, isn't all that fucked up. Does anyone else understand what I mean? I have a sneaking suspicion that more than one will. I leave you tonight with a sad, knowing smile. Thank you.

Fixin' to

Not much to say tonight. I am still reeling from the effects of the Sopranos finale. It is a freaking show! This is why I like movies that don't require much thinking. It bogs me down so. I still haven't received C's letter. I guess he is taking the rehab seriously as he hasn't sneaked in a call since last week! I am proud of that. More than he will ever know.
I did mail him a Father's Day card. I hope he gets it in time. It will bum him out to be there. Oh well better there than on the street, in jail or dead!
I am "fixin' to" go to bed. I cannot break my Texas mouth of that phrase! Ugh. It kills me that I can hear ain't uttered from the lips of someone across the room but I cannot refrain from that saying!!!! It sounds so ignorant. "Fixin' to". At least I have made a conscious effort. Tomorrow is fun day at Six Flags! We are fixin' to wear ourselves out (I couldn't resist!). I will type more tomorrow provided I have the energy!

Ooooh, anticipation

Think of Chandler from Friends as I write this: I am SOOO going to be a grown kid on Wednesday. The two older kids and I are headed to a theme park not far from our house. We were fortunate enough to receive season's passes and this is the first of many trips over there. I love that place. It makes me really happy. I always had such a good time there when I was younger. And truthfully I love the rides. It is the only time that I am out of control and it thrills me. It scares the piss out of me, but it is really thrilling. I know when I need some excitement when passing someone on a two lane farm road is thrilling!
Thanks are actually well between C and I right now. He must have been really horny when I saw him last because he kept complimenting the way I look. He would always start asking me if I had lost weight as a way to get me in the sack. Oh well, it never stopped him from getting a hard on so I guess I don't repulse him. He always liked me with a little meat on my bones. When I lost all the weight from our second he always asked me to put on at least another 15 pounds. He never gave me hard time about those issues. I will love him forever for that. Even if there was nothing else I will love him forever for that.
I will briefly cover the last episode of Sopranos. Oh!!! I am so sad but relieved. I am glad that it is finally over because now I can move on with my life. I miss it, like a dear friend but on the nights that new episodes were on it was all I dreamed about. I was nearly obsessed. I am glad that it is finally over so that I can discover other aspects of life! lol

Saturday Ramblings

The kids are going to visit C tomorrow. As you may recall every other Sunday is parent's day at the rehab. They do enjoy their time with him. There is plenty of activities and game room things for them to do. All three have a wonderful time. It is nice for me to have time to my self but truthfully I haven't found a good way to spend it. I don't have the money for a massage or pedicure. Last week I drove around the city to places I lived as a child. I spent the remainder of the time in the parking lot reading. I love to read but not in a hot parking lot. In Texas a parking lot isn't exactly a cool spot. I have had a chance to speak with C. He called me and asked me to bring smokes to his work. I was getting a little down about it. I wasn't down because he needed to smoke (I gave up on him quitting that a while ago). I was more down because he was breaking the rules. When I got there he met me at the car. He told me that I couldn't do this anymore. I nearly yelled, "ME?!?!?!" but then he said him. He didn't want to jeopardize his stay there. He said that he was very dedicated to the program. That made me feel much better. I don't want him to short change his treatment there. It is crucial to the kids. I mean, we will get along without him. We just don't want to. I don't want to. I am being selfish. It makes me feel good to think about a future with him. But it also makes me feel good to think of one without him. I mean if I had a preference I would choose him. I just know that now I can make it without him and be happy. I would be happy eventually. I won't lie, if it doesn't work out I will be devastated. At least though I can be devastated. Just a little bit ago I would have been numb having expected doom any day now. I hated feeling like that. I always had a piano suspended over my head. I could feel it. I don't feel that now. I sincerely feel that things have changed. It is promising. I hope that those that are in situations like I am can one day feel free of the "what ifs" and the "whens". Life like that sucks. It is so stressful and anxious. Will write more tomorrow but not during the eight o'clock hour. Does anyone know what that time slot is reserved for???? The final episode of Sopranos!! I can't hardly wait!!

Norhing doing

Well, no news is good news. That has been a welcomed change. I didn't even get a bill in the mail today!! Yippee!!! And the diet is coming along. I forgot to mention that. We have a contest at work with about twenty people. Who ever loses the most weight gets the difference between their ending weight and everyone else's times two. So far, if the contest ends today the winner would get nearly seven hundred dollars. Nice prize. So I have lost about 14 pounds. Not bad considering I love food. And I mowed the lawn, front and back. That has to do something. I sweat like a pig when I do that. And I edged. It is more. It can't hurt. Oh well. The nice thing about these types on contests is that as long as you lose weight you win. I mean, even if I lose I still lost at least 14 pounds. That is a nice start!

Today's thoughts

Today was a good day. I had a productive day at work. Business is really picking up so hopefully money won't be an issue any longer. I also received a call from C today. It is always a nice surprise when he calls. I feel less insecure about us. I figure there is really nothing that I can do to make it work if "it"isn't there. But when he calls and he says that he loves me he means it. Love was never the problem with us. The girls at work are insane as it turns out. I am sad that a great friend is leaving us in two weeks. She makes me feel better. I am sad to see her go but she found a great position near her home. It is better for her there. Oh well. In the fall when school starts I won't have as much time to sit a chat anyways. Did I forget to mention that? On top of everything else I am crazy enough to finish my degree. Yes, I am a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. Truth be told it makes me feel better to stay mentally occupied. It helps. There wasn't too much going on today. I am waiting on payday. Who doesn't? I am not looking for donuts yet but I am getting a little bare in the cupboards. Over all it is a good day. Look how short the post is, it must have been all right!

Totally Awesome!

Are any of you out there Sopranos fans? I am really sad that the show is ending and C isn't here for me to talk to about it. Ugh. We love that stupid show and he is missing it and so much is happening! It was an awesome episode tonight!!
Well, I am still having feeling of inadequacy where C is concerned. I have gone over the day again, though not insanely. I feel his distance though now, with a day or two behind me, I think he may have been a little freaked at how I acted. I am not touchy by nature. We used to fight about this when we first married. He is very touchy and I never think about it. Well that was reversed for me on Friday and he may not have been ready for that. I have this great overture of love for him on the day of his mother's funeral. I should have backed off some. To me, it wasn't sad. I was happy to see him, overjoyed! He was sad, though happy to have a "normal" day compared to his every days. I am not making much of. I will write him and tell him that if he is unsure of he and I, if he needs time to consider to let me know. I love him enough to let him go and be his friend. I love him that much. Ultimately it was my decision to divorce, not his. It was the right decision at the time and don't regret it. I must live with the consequences. I will and will be ok. I might cry, cause you know I don't do that enough these days! But I only want to be with him if he wants to be with me. Why would I want to be with someone that doesn't love me? I mean love me like that. I will not love someone that doesn't love me. That isn't love, that is pathetic. I do love me enough to expect it back. I have changed that part of me. I am not a martyr nor do I wish to be one. I want the real deal. I will discuss this with him in a passive, accepting tone. I believe that we owe that to each other. I love him so much, but I love me too now. I will not accept a destructive relationship any longer and neither should he. I have changed enough about me in these months that he has been away that this will not be compromised! Then why do I feel the need to declare it? As if I am trying to convince myself? I am not! I am excited about this! I talked at length with two friends of mine that are at the beginning of what I experience all those years ago. I told them that I bawled in my car last week and came back in to work. Yes I was sad but I was relieved! I could feel! I felt not disappointment or uncontrollable rage or anything from the past. I cry because I am accepting it, all of it. I am accepting my life and his life. The fact that he went into rehab is purely coincidental. I let go when I believed that he was gone, on his way to death's door. Even now I cannot say that he will not find that path again. But now I can say with conviction that I cannot change it and it is LIBERATING!! No amount of control will prevent it. I am free. I don't have that responsibility any longer. Thank God! He is an adult. I can only support him and love him. Is this detachment? Wow. I struggled with that concept for years! I never knew what it meant! Melanie is right. Recovery for codependents is wonderful. I waited for it and it is here. I will not lie and say that I am not sad. I am. But that is encouraging. It signals acceptance. I am not depressed. I am sad. Way different. Wow these posts are long. Much to say, I suppose. If C and I end up together, well that is the bonus. Bu the game is over. I won. I didn't lose. All those years I lost but I stopped and decided to take it back. I am happy about that. Things really clear up when you do the right things. I am into Melanie's second book now. That is nice. It talks about goal setting. I have some. They are quickly working their way to a check mark. That is great. I will write the letter to C now. I will mail it before I receive his. I need him to know this, what I am experiencing. Maybe it will relieve him as well. Maybe he will focus on him and his recovery and decide what is right. Maybe we both will. I don't want to choose a life without him. I don't want to grow old without him. If he chooses to continue life without me then I cannot change that. I will have to accept it and move on. Of course I will be sad, but I cannot worry about the future. Codependency principles work in so many other areas! I guess I will have to start taking it one day at a time also.

Overactive tear ducts!

I cry at movies. I cry inappropriately at movies now. I might have cried when the boy shot the dog or the mom is at the daughter's funeral with her friends but now I cry at everything. My children probably think their mother is a basket case filled with tissues. What is wrong with me? I cry when I tell stories about crying. For Pete's sake! My sinuses cannot handle the pressure of the runny snot! It is refreshing to think that I empathize with so many people. I must really believe the stories or maybe the acting is just that good. I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again. I love the movie. I don't recall bawling the last time I watched it though. I needed a few minutes to gather my composure three weeks ago when I watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants! What is up with that? I can place myself in the drama of the movies and mold it to fit me somehow. Boy am I reaching for some excitement???
At any rate I never have to worry about a clogged tear duct. They run constantly. I haven't thought of C overly today. I mean, I think of him as often as I do but I am insecure. I am over analyzing our touches and movements. I feel distant sometimes, like maybe I am reaching out too hard? Did I feel him pull away from me? It is hard. I am going to have to give it up. If I have learned nothing over the years it is this: what good does worrying do about it? So, it doesn't work out. I will eventually drag myself out of the despair and mow the lawn. Someone has to do it. What a random thing to end that sentence with, huh? Mow the lawn! I am losing it. I guess I need sleep.
I would like to think about my future. I want to post here that he is out, we are reunited and can actually leave the past where it is, behind us. Not forget, but forgive and move on. I would like to leave the words of encouragement that I will have under my belt solid by then. I want to have assurance that things will be well. Oh, but if my codependency isn't better by then, then someone run me over! Can you believe I typed that? How can I have assurance? Control. I need to let go of control. Can you see it? That sentence about assurance. That is control. Ooh. I have to be careful. You see beautiful people, we control without even thinking. Do you wonder if they use without even thinking? I never cease to be amazed by addiction. I think codependency is an addiction lock, stock and barrel. I am/was addicted to C. He was addicted to everything. I guess some part of that was me. I know it was. The only thing I can do now is turn it over, give it to Him. My faith is returning and I am happy to give my uncontrollable, not caused by me, I cannot change problem away. I was never overly religious, in fact I had/have a hard time with some things still. My experience has been that the hardest way is generally the right way. If it is hard to believe in it (higher power), then maybe it is right. Things always seem to work better for me when I trust that (higher power), though. It can't hurt! It certainly wasn't working when I only trusted negativity.

Today

I woke up in a really good mood. I had some troubling dreams but it is mores dealing with the red tape at C's rehab then anything. I hope that he isn't in trouble for the time he took. Last I spoke with S, his caseworker I told her that he needed to be back at 6:30 and they didn't say no. I had dreams that I was put before a panel and asked hundreds of questions by the rehab directors. It was frustrating. Overall I feel well today. I am cherishing yesterday. I love him, I love me, I love our children (of course, that goes without saying). The first two loves though, those are genuine and becoming fearless instead of fearful.

I might be glowing. I really think that I am. In spite of the events that led us to spend the day together, it was wonderful! I thank God for today. The funeral went well. His family was more supportive that he thought. He enjoyed seeing everyone including his shitty dad. His dad was never around as a child, he never paid one dime of support and only saw his kids at one of his 10 weddings. His dad likes to play daddy every 6 months or so. He hasn't ever called me to check on C by the way.
So he cried, which I expected but there was another element there, something I couldn't place. He told me later that he stared at her in the casket trying to find something that looked like her. I think it brought him closure to see how she looked. Death changed her entire face. She didn't look anything like she did in life, so different that I wondered if they had the right person! I think that helped C understand and deal with it. Now I know that the greiving for him hasn't begun, truly my own dad has been dead almost 5 years and I am not done grieving. I am not happy but relieved with his reaction. We came back here and spent 2 1/2 glorious hours together. The kids played in the backyard while we "talked". We had to. Discussions were intense but incredible! I never forget how wonderful sex is with him, but I am always reminded how wonderful it is every single time. Even when I didn't want to in the past, he always persuaded me and I always, always enjoyed myself.
I loved it. I love him. We even squeezed in another round, just for good measure as it will be December before my next roll in the hay. He knows that I am waiting here and that I don't mind waiting for him. I love him. He loves me. We want to be a family, a happy sober family. If we can get him out of there on his terms, on our terms, then we will be a happy family. That is all I want. I don't want a Benz, a yacht or a 5,000 square foot house. I want my man, our children and a nice life.
I see in him what I saw in the beginning. He sees it too. After our second session I actually cried and didn't let him go. I am normally not very cuddly by nature so he knew it was special. I love him. I want him to be here with me. He knows it. He wants it too. Sappy, yes. I have hope. I love hope. I haven't had hope in so long. I gave up on the dream of our lives. I read somewhere that addiction is a disease of dreams. It is. It feeds on them, smashes them and leaves them empty and dead. I mourned those dreams, but what I thought had died is beating again. There are signs of life in a desolate area in my heart. It didn't kill me. I am powerless over it. I have let go. But by God, it didn't kill me! This is the joy I read about in Melody's book. I have forgotten how good it feels. I was always waiting. I waited on the other shoe to drop. I felt like a dark cloud was always over me and though I could see the sun I could feel the rain. Skies are clearing and life is turning around. Even if he leaves tomorrow and uses again, even if he stays but we don't reunite, even if the world ends tonight, I have today. And that is finally enough for me.