I feel something in the air around me. It isn't tense but it is there. It is similar to the way I would feel before C would go on a bender but it isn't negative. It must be C related though or I think I would have nailed it by now.

He is so confident when I speak with him. It is different than any way he has ever acted. It is refreshing. No, I lied. It is how he acted when he stopped drinking early in our relationship and started working his steps. He was so sure of himself and confident. I believe that he is finding it again.

I am not sure what is in the air now, but it isn't dread. I think those of us living with those of you with addiction can relate to what I am talking about here, the 'in the air' stuff. You know when he is jonesing, and restless and freaking out a little? You can feel it even before he start jonesing and freaking. You can almost bring it on from the way things feel in your house. Then you get that anxious feeling in your stomach and your shoulders are tense. You know in a day or two he will be fidgety and an asshole and then he is gone. Then he comes home and his eyes, always the eyes, they aren't his. He is gone and someone else is there. And you want to shake him, and kick him, even run him over (which I thought of doing, like that crazy dentist that ran her husband over like 4 times, I can so relate that rage) and put him out of his and your misery.

I don't miss those days. Those are the worst days. C would do so good for a while and then something, and I still don't know that "it" is, it would happen and boom, all gone. Oh. I really hope that I can get over that. I mean, not forget but forgive? Let's say we are a year from today and C is home and we are both working and productive and something bad happens, like a death in the family. Will I freak if he leaves for hours? I probably will. Will I drive around looking for him? God I hope not. I pray by then I will have mastered the codepedency thing. I have learned to climb the codependent mountain but when I have to actually do it, will I use all that I have learned?

So back to the feelings. What is it I am feeling? I want to say anticipation. Of what? You remember when you were in middle school and it was summer break and you knew school was only a few weeks from starting? Part of you was dreading it but you were secretly excited? That is a little how it is. I am starting school again in the fall, maybe that is really it. Who knows? Maybe the mind knows something I don't. I am always scheming, something is always being planned in my head and I just don't know what it is. Ha ha. That is the second time I used that phrase and it was for two totally different things, or is it....