Just for today

Blogging in anger must be better than yelling or emailing in anger. At least blogs are one sided and don't require another party, though you out in blog land can respond. Not the same though.

So addiction is selfish. We know this. The addict is selfish and I am selfless. I can support him and listen and care and try and mmmhmmm and listen and support him. I can do all of these things as he gets better and smile and pray and be happy. I can sit here on this computer and take deep breaths and not have the support I need.

So I have decided to be selfish. You know though I am not going to label is as selfish. I am going to choose self love. I have thought and planned and schemed on how to make my life better for a number of years. I think it hasn't been smooth, not like any life is smooth, for a number of reasons but the biggest one is me. Do I demand it? No. I give it and don't accept it. I should expect it and I don't. I will help someone with every bit that I can and when I need it I don't receive it. I am either too ashamed to ask for it or (usually) I won't accept when it is offered. Is it pride? Is it shame? Are the rhetorical questions?

I know I am tired. No amount of happiness or sadness or shame or love or anything is worth how fucking tired I am. I have learned some very valuable lessons about myself. The most important that the best or worst friend I can have is me. I am not a very good friend to myself and I want to be. I don't want to give, give, give and refuse to take. I don't want to take for the wrong reasons. I want to balance my life and my thinking. It makes me more sound and sane. It makes my life more sane and right.

If the hardest way is usually the right way then I will have to pull myself up by the boot straps and march on. The only problem I have with that is the fear of becoming an unfeeling bitch. How is the perfect balance achieved? What are the best tools that I can use to become more harmonious? Is harmony a pipe dream?

We are communicating better though. I have told him how I feel thought I probably yelled more than I should have. On a positive note C has a job. It isn't anything prestigious but it is glorious! Baby steps. He even did the right thing. The application had a spot for offenses and he listed one but not another important one. The manager had expressed a desire to hire him pending a back ground check. I told C that he should call the manager and tell him about the other offenses. He didn't want to and put it off. Old codependent ways die hard! I let him do it own his own (gentle urging) and he did and he got the job! Orientation and paperwork tomorrow! Yes! That is the first honest thing I have seen him do that he really didn't want to. Maybe I am not dreaming!