Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Patience
I pray for patience sometimes. I am normally very patient with my kids for example. With me being the only parent here though sometimes I find patience at dangerously low levels. These types of days make me very, very angry with C. I know that he is working hard and going through something that I will never understand but what he doesn't get is that I am the one taking care of not only myself but 3 other souls. That has to rank up there in "hard" with what he is enduring. I wonder if he ever thinks about these things. I know that addiction is selfish but for today I would like him to think about me and the fragile way I have things balanced at home while he is on the battle field. There is no easy way out of this I guess.
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I can't speak for your husband, but I can tell you that for me, without a doubt, I think constantly on what I have put my g/f through, what I put my kids through, how she picked up the slack when I was being a slacker. It's just not something I admit while active in addiction. There will come a time when I will try to make amends for all the shitty things I have done, for be being absent when I was really there, for it all. The funny thing about this process is that even it is a selfish process, it's a way for the addict to learn to forgive themselves, because if we don't learn to let go of the guilt of our past, it will come back to haunt us and ultimately lead us back to our drug of choice. So for now, if he can't recognize the sacrifices you are making, how hard it is for you, I will, I know it's not easy for you, in fact, this may be one of the hardest things you may ever have to live through. But please give yourself credit for doing it on your own, for being strong, for raising your kids, for setting your boundaries, and for staying by your man. You are doing an amazing thing, and are an amazing person for taking on those responsibilities. He appreciates it, but may just not know how to express it yet, but hopefully someday he will.
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