Hello Again!

Oh my it has been a long time. I apologize. I was overly emotional last week. I cried (in private of course) about everything. Turns out I was pms'ing and I started on Sunday. TMI I know but it is an excuse. Shabby, yes but it is an excuse. Truth is I am really sweating the money situation right now. I mean we have food and such but the life insurance money from you know who's passing hasn't come in and I stupidly used the house payment money on bills. Well I am feeling that pressure and it only makes me want to brood. I can brood. Oh yes I can. The kids are well. The older two are going with my mom to BFE, truly the end of the world for a week and a half. At least I don't have to feed them. I will miss them terribly but it will save some money. I have worrying about money. It never makes me feel better to worry about it but nonetheless there I am. Other than that nothing big has happened. My friend from work moved back in with her hubby. I am happy for them, I guess. I mean he just decides to quit using crack like it is a shampoo he doesn't like. But I remember those times, the "honeymoon" times as I called them. Everything really was perfect for about 3-4 weeks until he used again, on a binge. Worlds came crashing down then. Awful stuff. I am still no closer to deciding on what I want to be when I grow up. I keep going back to teaching. I had initially thought middle school but I think high school is the place for me. I hated high school. Maybe if I can find kids like me and let them know not everyone has lost hope for them, maybe they can find something from that. C is having a tough time at rehab. And it is a strict place. I am doing dangerous things though. I am starting to think negatively about the place, setting myself up for when he leaves before he needs to. I am building a base of "OK" with him leaving early so that when he does I am all right with it. But you see, I see this and I am catching it. It is one of the strictest programs around. If you graduate you have a 93% success rate of not using again. Sounds great! The down side: every month they go on a "ban" because someone screws up. It holds everyone accountable but then it punishes those that try. When they are on "ban" then there is no TV, no music, no sodas, no newspapers. You can read the bible and play games. I would go insane. INSANE! And that is not me trying to make it OK for him to leave tomorrow. I told him when i took the youngest by for parents day that he has to give me 6 solid months of this place. I believe that 6 months is a good rehab time. That is a hell of a lot longer than the 28 day program he did before. He is owning his behavior but leaving now will only get him back where he was. He cannot come here now. I am declaring it. My what a long post. I will let you rest your eyes.