Last night was "Open House" aka family night. He was able to have family (other than the kids) there for two hours. It was so great. I was able to talk to him, like really talk. Just being close was worth it. I miss the intimacy that two people share when they live in the same house. Even when he was using we were still intimate (sometimes). His eyes are so clear. I could always tell when he was using because of his eyes. A word to the addicts out there: We might live in denial about you but I swear we ALWAYS know when you are using. Once we have been with you long enough we know when you aren't you and when you are messed up. Your insistence that you are sober is laughable and just flat out makes us angry. You might be a fabulous liar but there are some things that you just cannot cover up.
Back to the story. The people I met there were so much better than I had prepared for. I suppose I only want to see what I want but if I had gone there a year ago I would have only seen a room full of weak, selfish people. Last night I saw a group of folks, all ages, with hope again. It made me happy. What made me happier is that I found out that my hot headed hubby hasn't been in trouble once. Not one single time! Can you believe that? C, who has a temper and an authority problem, was referred to as Mr. Rehab! Oh my heart sings! He told me the best part of it all is that he knows every morning he can wake up and walk out. Some of the people there were sent by probation officers and they have to finish the program. The rest are there because it was that or die. Of course he has been working out and damn he looks good! I wish we could have sneeked away but I don't want to get him in trouble. He did get to cop a feel, thrilling. I felt like I was in high school not sitting next to a man that has knocked me up. He is over 100 days sober. That is the longest time in probably 7 years (because the first year and a half of the marriage was wonderfully clean). Oh and my friends do you know what he brought up? Boundaries. He brought it up and I didn't tell him that I just wrote a post about those. Isn't that nice. I will get to see him every Sat. night now. I am trying really hard not to think 'this is too good to be true'. I am pessimistic, though I like to call it realist. I asked him if he wanted to leave and he said that he wasn't ready. Be still my heart. I have learned enough to know that I cannot put my eggs in a basket with him, I don't let him have the eggs anymore, but it makes me happy. Even if we don't make it at least he will, I will on my own. It will hurt but what hasn't hurt? We have had years of hurt. At least know we have the skills to deal with it properly. I get to have the quick slide of the hand down my leg to thrill me all week though. It is a great start!