I was a married to an addict long enough to have everything of value pawned for drugs. I am now acquiring those things that were stolen and sold for a fraction of their price for crack. It has been fun buying a new camera, dvd's, TVs and jewelry. I am a little tight so I don't buy very expensive items for myself. I do splurge on the kids though. My last insane purchase for myself was my Coach purse and wallet. Guys will never understand the purse obsession.
ps My Louis Vitton purse was also pawned. What a sad day.
To the point. My necklace is missing. It is my fault. I took it off at the computer desk. Even when taking it off I remember making a mental note to put it up. My room is not a sacred hideaway like my parents was. My children are welcome anytime and my 3 year old loves it in here. She also loves jewelry.
So my necklace isn't just lost, it is dead. I cannot find it anywhere. I am disappointed but mostly because of the symbolic meaning behind that necklace. It was a necklace the C bought me. I really didn't care for the style but I loved it because of the care and pride he showed when he gave it to me.
I have looked for it for weeks and it didn't occur to me that he could have pawned it until my friend, A, mentioned her camera is gone. Well those of you that have found her blog probably can guess where that camera is. I remember those feelings. Such frustration and hurt. It made me remember wondering about my camcorder, dvds, whatever. Then I thought about the necklace.
He was hurt when I brought it up but he does have some history there. He told me that he hadn't been in a pawn shop in months. He didn't swear it. He didn't promise it. He didn't defend it and then get really mad and bring up something that I never did (cheat) to take the focus off him. He just said that it upsets him that I have that question but he understands why.
I would just really feel better if the necklace appeared. I hate that doubt. To be honest though, I hadn't thought about him pawning it until now and I do feel that I am barking up the wrong tree. In the past when I thought something about a situation, usually my first gut feeling was always right. When the necklace disappeared I didn't think that way at all. He has a job and has money. He has gained 20 pounds since coming home in July.
Now I sound like I am defending him. Funny how we (codies) will do that. Be that as it may, even is he did pawn it I cannot stop him from doing so. I have learned much about addiction in the past year, more than I did in any other year. I have learned that I truly cannot control C, change C or cause his addiction. I do have a firm grasp on that. One day, in 20 years I will find that stupid necklace in some obscure corner of this house and I will present it to my three year old, then 23, with her present. I am sure she will love it now as much as she did on the day she picked it up and took it with all the other socks I am missing.
4 comments:
I still get those feelings too -- the ones where you are thrown back into "what is real, what is the truth?" He'll change his routine and I'll wonder if it's because he's seeing someone else.
I don't ask anymore, because I know I can't trust the answers -- and I don't ask him to change the way he does anything -- I just voice it. "This makes me sad and anxious because it reminds me of when you were active in your addiction." And he is at a place now where he can accept that and not get defensive or hurt. If he is lying, he'll tell me when he's ready. In the end, the truth will out -- always.
MPJ knows everything.
But yeah, that's hard. We just had a moment like that this weekend. There is a strange purchase on my ATM card. It was a withdrawal in our town, but we were in another town together, with my ATM card, all weekend. Even though it is completely illogical, I can't help but question him...and I hate that. I hate it that whenever anything goes missing or wrong, the person I most want to trust in the world is Suspect Number 1.
Yuck.
Yuck.
Yuck.
If he's not getting all pissed off and is merely accepting your fears, then he didn't do anything with it most likely.
It's with the socks.
But I know this shit sucks the big one.
Peace,
Scout
I once found a misplace necklace by going to a tarot card reader- she used some dice thing. It worked, go figure. I would try it ( well of course I would- I already did!) if I were you. Ya never know....
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