Saturday Ramblings

The kids are going to visit C tomorrow. As you may recall every other Sunday is parent's day at the rehab. They do enjoy their time with him. There is plenty of activities and game room things for them to do. All three have a wonderful time. It is nice for me to have time to my self but truthfully I haven't found a good way to spend it. I don't have the money for a massage or pedicure. Last week I drove around the city to places I lived as a child. I spent the remainder of the time in the parking lot reading. I love to read but not in a hot parking lot. In Texas a parking lot isn't exactly a cool spot. I have had a chance to speak with C. He called me and asked me to bring smokes to his work. I was getting a little down about it. I wasn't down because he needed to smoke (I gave up on him quitting that a while ago). I was more down because he was breaking the rules. When I got there he met me at the car. He told me that I couldn't do this anymore. I nearly yelled, "ME?!?!?!" but then he said him. He didn't want to jeopardize his stay there. He said that he was very dedicated to the program. That made me feel much better. I don't want him to short change his treatment there. It is crucial to the kids. I mean, we will get along without him. We just don't want to. I don't want to. I am being selfish. It makes me feel good to think about a future with him. But it also makes me feel good to think of one without him. I mean if I had a preference I would choose him. I just know that now I can make it without him and be happy. I would be happy eventually. I won't lie, if it doesn't work out I will be devastated. At least though I can be devastated. Just a little bit ago I would have been numb having expected doom any day now. I hated feeling like that. I always had a piano suspended over my head. I could feel it. I don't feel that now. I sincerely feel that things have changed. It is promising. I hope that those that are in situations like I am can one day feel free of the "what ifs" and the "whens". Life like that sucks. It is so stressful and anxious. Will write more tomorrow but not during the eight o'clock hour. Does anyone know what that time slot is reserved for???? The final episode of Sopranos!! I can't hardly wait!!