Ultimatums

Once in an Al-Anon meeting I picked up that book, the one with the daily quotes in it. I read it and it all seemed to really fit in my life. I think it might have been there, or on some website maybe, where I read about ultimatums. It said that if I issued one I better be prepared to lose it and accept the consequences. I wish I had read that after I set those boundaries (what I called ultimatums then). What I know now is that I was not prepared to back up what I said. I really meant what I yelled, "It is either me or Vicodin!" "If you don't have a job by the weekend we are through!" and so on. Never ending ultimatums. I got so bad about it that one day I told my middle child, "If you do that again you are grounded!" to which I heard my eldest child reply, "Yeah right, like that is ever going to happen."
OOOHH! I was so mad but the oldest was right! I never backed it up. Too many failures with C made me lose my backbone. I finally stopped that. The day I heard that kiddo's smart ass remark from the backseat a new lady was born. Now I will not sit here and lie and say that every threat that has come from me I followed through with but every ultimatum was. When I told him to get help and we could work it out or it was over, I meant it. And I did it. I divorced him, made him move out and went on with my life. The fact that he is in rehab now is because of him. I took him to the interview but he did it. That is incidental. If he had not sought treatment then he would have died. That is his journey. It parted from mine when he chose that shit. It wasn't mine. I let go and I felt free. Sometimes when I read the blogs of others I can feel myself tense up. I remember those fights and can nearly word for word recall the dialogue. Maybe the words are a little different but as I am finding out we aren't all as different as we would like to be. Maybe he says cunt instead of bitch and she says pussy instead of loser, but the fight progresses the same. I guess I want you all to know I remember those times. If you can get anything from this it is this: The Hardest Thing To Do Is ALWAYS The Right Thing To Do! That is my own personal quote, but it is true!
Setting boundaries, aka ultimatums and threats, is probably the keystone to attachment or detachment. It took me 8 years to get detachment. Once I found it I will never go back. I can love him, but I will not help him destroy himself. I will not load that gun with him. I will let go and step back. That blood is not on my hands. Dammit, it is so hard. I know you want to stop him but if you cannot stop yourself how on God's green earth can you stop someone else? That is the base of codependency. Oh, heavy thoughts. I am off now to work from home and ease off the soap box. Thanks for listening.