What?

You know that hero voice, the one super heroes use when they are injured but they continue on? Well think that when reading this: can't go on.... too much homework... must read another chapter... must write a 30 pages paper on something on humanities which really, if you take a pic of my class everyone looks like the pic I am posting here... must write not so fun papers...

Oh yes, I am totally overwhelmed, but only for a moment. I am finding my groove. Lord, I hope I find that groove. C is well. He hasn't cracked or anything so that everyday is looking a little brighter. Everyday that isn't clouded with crack, liquor or that blood sucking whore Vicodin is a super day! (why don't I tell you how I really feel, huh?) ;)

So, I am reading posts, I promise and when I get pissed I will cuntface over at JW's place but I promise I am still around, just got my balls to the walls baby!

Quickee

School was awesome. As I walked on the campus with my backpack I felt like I was home. I love school. It is one area that I am truly passionate about.

Home is great. I mean, it is messy, but it is great. My son is playing tackle football this year (I am in TX and football is religion here). He looks so cute though.

I did find a scratch off ticket in my car console. That concerns me b/c like a good addict he is addicting to gambling too. C is addicting to everything that leads him to either a bar, a pawn shop or jail.

I talked with him about it and he said he wasn't hiding it from me. He knows it could be a problem and it was a good talk. He wasn't defensive. He has promised to try. That is better than an "I won't ever" promise. More meaningful. He always promised "never again" and didn't deliver. Now he is trying so that is something.

I get my two school kiddos into school Monday and I cannot wait. I am ready for that structure.

Money is tight, but when isn't it? I had to buy my books, their supplies, C's work clothes, and on and on. Oh well. At least it is for good things.

I met with the Assistant District Attorney last week. I forgot to mention it. I signed an affidavit of non prosecution. He isn't sure if they are dropping it or not, but it is a step. I wanted to ask, wtf will it take? It is my damn house and if I don't want to prosecute I should have that option. Damn. The legal system is a bitch.

So that is my quick update. On to the blogs of others.

School's in

School starts for me tomorrow. I am attempting 15 hours and a full time job. I will blog as often as I can. I will do it instead of working!!!

So now I am angry because I cannot find his belt. Why should I have to look for his goddamn belt? It is in some insane place that he put it and cannot remember where that is. Are all guys like this?

He calls me unorganized all of the time. He doesn't know what day of the week it is. I bought a big calendar and wrote out every one's schedule. It isn't anal, it is prepared! Will he ever look at it? No. Will he call me and ask me what I work or where so and so is? Yes.

Oh, he found his belt. It was on a pair of shorts that were thrown into the closet, dirty. Can you guess who did that?

At any rate. It will smooth out. I am excited about school and received all my books through the mail without incident. I am taking three education classes, a humanities class and a religion class. I am sincerely excited about them all. I will keep you updated without boring lectures.

Mother, may I.....

When we get remarried do I keep the name the same? I mean when I came up with the name it was symbolic that while I was no longer legally married to him I was obsessed enough to still be. Any thoughts on that?

Also, it has been a while since I left a meaty post. I will attempt to do so now. I am deathly afraid of my children. Not like they are going to smother me while I sleep. I am afraid that they will be like C. When I was in school and offered drugs and had boyfriends that were bad I was scared. I mean I wasn't afraid like someone was going to hurt me but I was afraid because I knew what I was doing was wrong.


I had sex for the first time to spite myself. I made him stop after a few pushes. It hurt like hell. I smoked weed once and I made a deal with God that it wouldn't happen again. I did drink. I drank at parties but never to a point of black out. Oh, I threw up once or twice but I stopped at tipsy. I did my share of sneaking out and getting caught and skipping school. I hated my family because they were stupid. I knew it was all wrong.

I never went past it though. I never went to the point of partying like C did. By 15 he was into coke and speed. I was way to scared for those things. He never was. If he was scared he got over it. I would have never ever been able to do those things. I am not afraid of life. I am not afraid of the cops (though now I really don't like them). I am not afraid of being by myself.

I am afraid of not wearing a seat belt. I am afraid of speeding. I hate being up past 10 (even though it is 11). I have narrowed the reason why I am the way that I am to one thing : I am 80. I am an 80 year old person that has the sex drive of a 15 year old boy. That is only a recent thing btw. When C was really bad we were lucky to have sex once a month. I didn't want to most of the time. I was too hurt.

So now I am afraid of my kids. How do I make them not like C and not like me? How do I put them in the middle. Not afraid of spice, but afraid of fire? Is there a way to make them happy and level and happy level? Does it work that way?

They are still innocent and perfect but I am staring down the barrel of teen angst and before they hate me I want to mold them. Oh, the pain and pleasure of parenting.

From the past

This isn't a war story because I am not proud of it. But I have a very dry, dark humor and really laugh at some of the weird shit I did over addiction. I went through all of the stages of grief but I think I should include one that isn't listed: Insanity. I had it down. In my insane moments I did really insane stuff. I will put it here but if I ever run for public office and someone finds this I am ruined.

Some of you may have read the Cinnamon story at Mantramine's blog, in reference to her story about searching her hubby's van. Who hasn't plowed through someones belongings looking for "it". "It" ladies and gentleman is that, something we know is wrong although we aren't sure what "it" is. We will know when we find "it". Some of us know what paraphernalia or drugs look like, some of don't. I had no idea why I had Brillo pad pieces in the pocket of my seat in the car. I didn't smoke crack so I didn't know what it was for.

But I did know when I found something that shouldn't be there. And when I became aware I began searching. I wasn't sure for what but I would know when I found "it". I found lots of things he didn't want me to see. I went through a period when I thought he hid things like a scavenger hunt and it was a game. I was so sick.

But to the funny stories. Or sad. It depends on the way you read it. Imagine a laugh track like to Funny Videos, it makes it better. Once when C was high on speed he passed a pig farm. He knew he had been very bad so he thought he would buy me a pig to make up for it. We live in city limits. We have a dog and a cat. He brought the pig to my work. What the fuck am I going to do with a pig at my work???

Once I found a plethora of pills on a cig package and dumped them on the front lawn. I turned on the water hose and watered them into the ground. I think if he hadn't been high he would have killed me. Once after investigating our cell phone bill I found a number over and over. I called it and pretended to have received the name and number from C because he thought she might be interested in a car. It blew her mind that C would say she wanted a car because she didn't really even know him. She turned out to be one half of a couple that sold speed. I should have taken the pig to her house. ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

I found a crack pipe in an empty cassette case with tin foil. I wasn't too sure at the time what those were but he said that he found in on the road. That was paired up with a really raunchy porn mag that cost a lot because it showed everything. All I could think was that girl taking that 5" in diameter penis was someones daughter. It looked really painful.

Once I found pills and I flushed them but left a really funny note in their place. He found it because I found it crumpled on the floor near the hiding spot but he never said anything. I felt so satisfied about that one. It was a really big thing for me because I didn't confront him.

This isn't too funny. Well, somethings are. It is funnier in my head than on paper. Well, we have more times ahead and so far this month has been better than the previous 6 years!! I feel positive about it. This shit was on my mind and had to get it out.

Thanks!

Three and one to grow on....

Today is my littlest baby's birthday. She is 3. She thinks she is 5 so if you ask her how old she is you get that answer. We went to Chuck E Cheese and C and I had a ski ball competition. I kicked his ass. It was fun.

The text books are coming in without incident and I am enjoying receiving something other than bills in the mail. I am a dork and have already scanned most of the first chapters of the books I have so far. I love school. I love most things about it. I love the accomplishment you feel at the end of a semester and I haven't taken one class that I didn't enjoy. Those that I thought I would hate I loved. Such is life.

C is calling on the warrants and tickets all by himself. I guess my little man is growing up. Sniff. He told me the other day that he is a man. I think he means it. That makes me happy. At 33 he should be. He is mentally growing up. It was hard living with a 20 year old so I am happy to see the 30's catching up with him. I guess it is true that when the addiction starts the brain stops!

I did get really mad. For the last years of our marriage he slept on the couch. It was symbolic really, him not in my bed. I put him there. He wanted to be there. It was easier to drink or smoke or snort without me in the way. One of my conditions when moving back in was that he go to bed with me and stay with me. In the middle of the night he gets up and eats (thin as he is) and falls asleep on the couch. It is really pissing me off because it flashes me back immediately and I freak. I have not gotten out of bed except once to "check" on him, aka. police sort of checking.

I did have my house booby trapped one time to catch him (hiding places, etc) but I will not ever go back to that.

Well I have to catch up on the reading and have to play with my princess (she really is a princess with the glittery pink gown on she received). Have a wonderful night!

Sunday, Sunday

I have had the first lazy Sunday that I have had in a while. It is nice to never get out of your pajamas. Well, you take a bath and change into different pajamas, but it rocks! I did do the dishes and fix the garbage disposal. I am woman, hear me roar!

So C and I are being as honest and open about the future. We both know what it takes to stay sober, stay honest and stay happy. We are not fools and we know that hard times always come with good, but it is how we handle it that makes the difference.

Like the warrant issue. I cannot tell the story without it sounding like a transcript of a Maury Povich episode. The warrants needed to be satisfied. We get down there and do the bonds. Lo and behold! An outstanding warrant. Another $1000 down the drain. I am not mad at him. We both called that county on separate occasions so set up payment arrangements for 4 tickets and even asked, "Is that all?" to which we got a "Yes" but apparently not.

I used to truly believe that police were honest and as long as you did the right things then they would work for you. Wrong. I have been lied to twice and the only wrong things I have ever done was a seat belt ticket in high school, a speeding ticket and a ticket for out dated registration. The end. Oh yeah, and a MIP in high school for being around people with alcohol at a street dance in the town I lived in. That was a crock of shit.

At any rate. I am really down with law enforcement and it will take a lot to resume that level of respect. I even donate annually to the something fund for fallen officers and their families. Ugh. Reality sucks.

So that is Sunday. Nothing big. Which makes it my favorite kind of days. And for the codependents out there, he is calling these places too. I am not doing it for him. Me saying this almost sounds like an admission of guilt, huh?

My Major

When narrowing down my major I considered many things. I have a strong background in sales, automotive, customer service and food service industries. I am a quick learner and enjoy problem solving. I have strong values and morals (yes I know that I am married to my opposite, but hey, it makes life interesting). I want to leave a positive mark on humanity when I die and want to feel that I am helping my fellow Americans (codependent to the core!). I originally thought that I would continue a major in Business since I have that in my background but that is not what I want to do. I would love to help deliver babies but I would cry when that happens and that is unprofessional. I love education and school supplies. I also truly feel that childhood and adolescence is so important. I want to let those kids know that someone does care about them and their future. I landed on teaching for a number of reasons and having summers off was the deal clincher. I have more specifically decided on middle school and social studies. I have come to realize the importance of history and social interaction. I think the right teacher with the right tools can be the right combination for kids in the gray area.

So my major is education.

Another day, another bond

I bought my text books online. I am a huge geek and freak about the small details of life. As you can guess I am a student that comes to class prepared and the cell phone off because lets face it a ringing phone is a distraction to everyone. I have always purchased my books in the bookstore to make sure that what I am buying is what the professor wants FOR SURE. So you can imagine how hard it was for me to buy them online. Ooooh, scary. What a risk. But it is (whine). If they don't arrive in time for classes I will be a tense bitch. You must know that I am not this anal in all aspects of my life. My car, for instance, is a pig pen. It isn't unsanitary yet.....

C cleaned the garage. He even edged and we argued about the best way to position the sprinkler. It was nice. We have those stupid felony charges for breaking into the house that he lives in now. Yes, Springer can call me for an interview. I know it is trashy. Well they won't drop the charges because, and I will try to be as precise as possible:
Ma'am we are doing it for your protection. Once the charges are dropped and aren't hanging over his head then he might retaliate and hurt you. And, since it is a felony charge, if we catch him and you are helping him we can charge you too.
WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? So you are telling me that when I practically made that department put the warrant on (before he went to rehab and that is another story), when he tried to turn himself in and you told him there wasn't any charges and he walked out and checked into rehab, when I called you and you told me to go to hell that now that the charges are there that you can't drop them, and then you are going to slap them on me? What the fuck is going on in my local police department?

I will allow them the grounds of assuming I am a trashy woman taking back an ex, blah blah blah. But past that, he is making every attempt at getting better. The only person he wronged was me and I don't want to punish him for that. So punish me. That was the craziest shit I had ever heard. I have one more shot, with the supervisor, unlikely but seriously. We go down, he gets processed and then goes to court only to have the judge see that he is now living in the very house he broke into and that he went to rehab for 4 months prior. What will the judge say? Hopefully that the police need a power and reality check.

I know they have a tough job and it isn't the police, it is the detectives. Those pompous pricks like on 48 hours or whatever that damn show is called on Court TV. They dress all nice and lie all the time. I hate being naive sometimes.

So that was my day. Another productive day. I mailed off the money that HE made for his 4 tickets from the previous city we lived him. God looks out for C. They dropped the DWI charge. Who gets that dropped? Well he passed every sobriety test and they still hauled him in for an open container. Whatever.

Oh, and I am taking 15 hours. Yes I love stress. And I still love Tylenol PMs. Until tomorrow.

Codependent everyday

I am sooo codependent. My friend, A, well she is my friend and I care for her dearly. She is the daughter of two alcoholics and the sister to a drug addict. She is not an addict to a drug or alcohol yet...

She takes Phentermine to lose weight and it worked, at first. Now she takes it because it makes her happy, but in her head. She is a raging bitch if she gets mad while she is on it. She spit on her husband on the day of her daughter's birthday party and threw cups at him. He hit her in the face. He is a whole other story that I cannot get into nor do I want to. He disgusts me.

So I find myself here at work thinking about her. She is off today. She took off yesterday. She doesn't want to work, clean, cook. She only wants to shop and spend money. She hasn't paid her mortgage in three months (they filed bankruptcy and keep rolling it in) and Super Nanny is going to come to her house next week. Yes friends, she is going to let cameras into her life.

I am trying to think of ways to rescue her. But I can't. There isn't anything I can say to her to stop her madness. It actually causes my stomach to churn when I think about how much she owes Reliant Energy and how much she just spent a Dillard's buying her kids more clothes. Those kids have more clothes than they will ever wear. So now I have to blog about it because it is on my mind and I have to remember those 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I cannot change it and I cannot control it. It is easier to love with detachment now. It is harder with C, but with A I can do it. It still makes me sick though.

I love my ex. I love him as deeply as I did the day we married, had babies, divorced and when I dropped him off at rehab. He is still doing well. We have had no relapses and we are working on month five of clean and sober living. He tells me he still thinks about it but it is easier to forget.

I am finding it easier to forget, well not forget but forgive. Once I finally understood that it isn't a choice, not a malicious act done to hurt me, I was able to put it into perspective. We don't ask questions about the past. I think that helps me. If I ask and get answers I will hurt fresh. I don't want that. The past is behind me.

We brought up the subject of remarriage. It makes us both laugh. Yet, we haven't done it. He is scared. He has a felony warrant for breaking and entering. Here is the kicker, it is my house and charges filed at my request. I told him when he went to rehab (after he decided to go) that I would drop them since his help needed to come from there not the county jail. Well the detective won't drop the charges. She insists that he come in, get processed and bail out then the DA can see the case and drop the charges. Is that for money? Do they have a bail bonds man that kicks back some referral money? I am a little pissed about it. He is going to take care of it, he knows that he is getting off lightly.

Other than that we are all well. I have strep throat and I have never felt this shitty in my whole life! I mean when I was prego with the third kid I felt dead on my feet but this it totally different. I feel like I was hit by a truck. It hurts to swallow. Ugh. Now I have to wait on my kids to get it. Fun times!

At least I got my room painted! It is a beautiful shade of light green. The girls' room is a dark pink and now I feel like it is mine. I love my house. I love that I own it and I can dress it up or keep it like it is. It makes me happy. The new puppy has been restricted to the kitchen or the backyard. She is smart but young. She is a bulldog and we all love her so. I did a lot of research before we decided on the breed. I wanted a dog that was great with kids. She is. And they love her so. She has the most precious face, all squishy. We named her Suey, like as in "SUUUEEYYY!!!" like how the farmer calls a pig. Her mom is maned Piggy because she snorts a lot. It is too funny. I love animals with character!

Well I do have to fold. The house has gone to shit while I have been sick. Thanks for your time!

Lessons learned

There are two types of people in this world: the "get it over with" folks and the "I'll get to it folks". It never fails that these two people hook up with one another. It has to be as frustrating to one half as it is to the other. It must make them want to yank every hair out of their heads like it does to the other.

I will give you one guess which one I am. I will give you one guess which one C is. If you had me pegged as the get it over with type then you do know me. I cannot begin to describe the level of frustration I feel when I am cleaning the kitchen and getting the kids things together for an outing with grandma and there he is eating and watching a dvd (that he has already seen and I am dying to watch by the way). If my head could seriously pop then he would need to call in a steam cleaning company because brains would have been all over the carpet.

So I am in here trying to relax and not fight. Then he comes in and disrupts my flow of writing because my boobs are nearly hanging out of my pjs and I know he is horny. He tells me he loves me. He smells like Pi (my fav cologne)and gets the kids out of the bath.

We have learned a lot from our past and I have learned to step away and not fight. There is no winner only losers. It is a hard pill to swallow and I have a hard time saying I am sorry. I have learned that the right way is the hard way and if it is hard to say I am sorry then it must be right.

Helloooo, is anyone there?

I took a short vacation and got out of the loop on blogging. I did get all signed up for school and caught up on the bills. We are all healthy now and C is still going strong. He received his first paycheck and endorsed it and handed it over at his urging. He even has direct deposit to my account with no access to it. He is being open now. I am happy with it. It is the most honest we have been since our first year of marriage. I even have on the wedding ring again. It feels like it should have always been there. I have composed an email to the family, but haven't sent it yet. I keep on finding excuses for it. The kids are thriving. I cannot wait for school to start. We all do so much better with a routine.

I have missed blogging and reading my fellow bloggers. I promise to get back on with that. It helps me so much. My PMS is really bad and that started my non-blogging binge. My life feels very positive and pointed. I feel like I have direction and purpose. I finally nailed down a degree (since I have about 65 hours and needed to settle) and I am going with education, more specifically middle school. That was the best years of my childhood and I want to pass on that passion and love. I love education and I love thinking I can make a difference. I think that is the codependent way.

I am off to bed, I have had a really long day. I hope you are all well and look forward to catching up soon!