I might be glowing. I really think that I am. In spite of the events that led us to spend the day together, it was wonderful! I thank God for today. The funeral went well. His family was more supportive that he thought. He enjoyed seeing everyone including his shitty dad. His dad was never around as a child, he never paid one dime of support and only saw his kids at one of his 10 weddings. His dad likes to play daddy every 6 months or so. He hasn't ever called me to check on C by the way.
So he cried, which I expected but there was another element there, something I couldn't place. He told me later that he stared at her in the casket trying to find something that looked like her. I think it brought him closure to see how she looked. Death changed her entire face. She didn't look anything like she did in life, so different that I wondered if they had the right person! I think that helped C understand and deal with it. Now I know that the greiving for him hasn't begun, truly my own dad has been dead almost 5 years and I am not done grieving. I am not happy but relieved with his reaction. We came back here and spent 2 1/2 glorious hours together. The kids played in the backyard while we "talked". We had to. Discussions were intense but incredible! I never forget how wonderful sex is with him, but I am always reminded how wonderful it is every single time. Even when I didn't want to in the past, he always persuaded me and I always, always enjoyed myself.
I loved it. I love him. We even squeezed in another round, just for good measure as it will be December before my next roll in the hay. He knows that I am waiting here and that I don't mind waiting for him. I love him. He loves me. We want to be a family, a happy sober family. If we can get him out of there on his terms, on our terms, then we will be a happy family. That is all I want. I don't want a Benz, a yacht or a 5,000 square foot house. I want my man, our children and a nice life.
I see in him what I saw in the beginning. He sees it too. After our second session I actually cried and didn't let him go. I am normally not very cuddly by nature so he knew it was special. I love him. I want him to be here with me. He knows it. He wants it too. Sappy, yes. I have hope. I love hope. I haven't had hope in so long. I gave up on the dream of our lives. I read somewhere that addiction is a disease of dreams. It is. It feeds on them, smashes them and leaves them empty and dead. I mourned those dreams, but what I thought had died is beating again. There are signs of life in a desolate area in my heart. It didn't kill me. I am powerless over it. I have let go. But by God, it didn't kill me! This is the joy I read about in Melody's book. I have forgotten how good it feels. I was always waiting. I waited on the other shoe to drop. I felt like a dark cloud was always over me and though I could see the sun I could feel the rain. Skies are clearing and life is turning around. Even if he leaves tomorrow and uses again, even if he stays but we don't reunite, even if the world ends tonight, I have today. And that is finally enough for me.