Here's the problem: remarriage. Do I want to? Can I? What makes me put it off? I cringe at the thought of divorce. I am not entering into this with that on the forefront but we have to be realistic. He is a recovering addict. Does 6 months clean make a success story? Would like to think so but again, realistic. I am not being stubborn or a bitch. I am scared. I am afraid of opening up my mortgage, my car payment, my bank account to a person that has squeezed the life and blood out of me (by my permission).
Do I open the kids up to that again? The thought of telling them sorry, we are divorcing? Daddy didn't recover? Omg. I am so confused. I love him. I really do. I believe that he is clean and healthy and happy. I don't trust him yet. I mean I do, with small things like cashing his paycheck and giving it to me. Small trips with the car, stuff like that. It was hard but I had to give and so did he. Do I trust him with EVERYTHING? When is it long enough to be sure? Again I feel like I did in the throes of codependency and addiction. Ugh. I hate being unsure. That is the worst part of "it". The "it" as you will recall is that demon, the thing that consumes the addict and those around him/her. "It" runs on it's own time frame and it never jives with my plans. That is when I gave it up. It was nice to release. What a rambling post. It truly feels better to get it out. That energy is destructive to the mind and spirit. Thanks for the unloading.
About Me
- Stepbackjack
- I am a mother of three awesome children. I am a reluctant divorcee though we are planning to reconcile after rehab gradutation (aren't I asking for it =0)!
I strive to be like water, flowing around obstacles, serene and giving, useful and cleansing, relentless and lasting.
3 comments:
My sponsor always tells me when I get all "BUT DO I LEAVE? DO I STAY? DO WE DIVORCE AND STILL DATE? WHAT DO I DO?" that I don't have to make any decisions or do anything right now if I don't want to. I can wait, reflect, talk to folks, and decide later, or decide never. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You don't have to do anything, period.
What JW said.
Makes me wonder if I would choose to get back into this if I had chosen to get out...
what they both said... and- there is no exact amount of clean time that will save you both from relapse-- what was MPJ post, about a new kind of trust... ? It's a gooder- I should have it on my fridge
Is that still in your top MPJ? Thats what you need to go into it with- and yeah, you don't have to decide anything. actions speak louder than words anyways
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