I mowed my front and back yard today. When I do something like yard work it gives me time in my head to think. The sound of the mower is loud enough to drown out distractions. I love analogies by the way. I think of how I mow the lawn, starting on the outside and working it, going into the sun and rewarding myself by walking into the cool shade of my house. I go around in circles and watch my progress the entire time. Seeing the shorter grass of where I once was and the long grass cast aside in my path makes me feel accomplished. I see the middle of my yard getting smaller and smaller as I make my rounds, the incline that is a pain to mow is already finished. It was my first task, the hardest part is always the first task. I remember having that same attitude with school work. In fact during the mandatory standardized tests I would flip to the back page and work from last to first. The numbers steadily going down made it less daunting. I tackle most things with this approach. C does not. When I have mentioned our differences in past blogs I mean that we are exact opposites. We can be so similar but so different. It takes me 45 minutes to ease into a cool pool. Chris is already enjoying himself having cannon balled nearly an hour earlier. It is what drives me crazy about him. I look for meaning and the why of things. He enjoys whatever I am analyzing. It is nearly symbiotic. I thought of our differences last night while meeting his "friends" at rehab. I shouldn't do friends in quotes but it is hard for me to trust his taste in friends. See that is me being tacky and pessimistic, the old me. While I am talking to these guys (and I am enjoying myself, complete 180 from the last time I visited him at rehab a couple of years ago) I am finding out that they too are the jump in the pool types. I cannot be that sort of person. Motorcycles scare the hell out of me. I cannot breathe at the top of a roller coaster before it zooms forward. I have had one gun pointed at me and it nearly did me in. I asked these guys if their past girlfriends were like me and for the most part I got a yes. I cannot loosen up enough to relax like Chris. He cannot tense up enough to be like me. At least we weren't able to before. The codependent book I read helped me with it. In fact when I recently was atop of the highest roller coaster I thought of something in that book, something about control. I am not going to control when it is my time. If that roller coaster fell off the tracks and I died then 1: what a cool way to die, 2: I couldn't have seen it coming, 3: what could I have done to prevent it? I relaxed at the top, took a deep breath and screamed. I learned a little about myself then. I learned a little about me today. If I mow the opposite direction then I really only have about 1 line of clippings to pick up. An old dog can learn new tricks when given the right steps to do so. What a positive start to my week! (FYI, that happens to be the roller coaster that I was riding in this story. I thought it was really neat that I found this pic! I did sit up front once with C and I was so tense when I got off I couldn't enjoy the rest of the day. I have never sat up front again. Yes, I am a chicken.)

Totally Awesome!

Are any of you out there Sopranos fans? I am really sad that the show is ending and C isn't here for me to talk to about it. Ugh. We love that stupid show and he is missing it and so much is happening! It was an awesome episode tonight!!
Well, I am still having feeling of inadequacy where C is concerned. I have gone over the day again, though not insanely. I feel his distance though now, with a day or two behind me, I think he may have been a little freaked at how I acted. I am not touchy by nature. We used to fight about this when we first married. He is very touchy and I never think about it. Well that was reversed for me on Friday and he may not have been ready for that. I have this great overture of love for him on the day of his mother's funeral. I should have backed off some. To me, it wasn't sad. I was happy to see him, overjoyed! He was sad, though happy to have a "normal" day compared to his every days. I am not making much of. I will write him and tell him that if he is unsure of he and I, if he needs time to consider to let me know. I love him enough to let him go and be his friend. I love him that much. Ultimately it was my decision to divorce, not his. It was the right decision at the time and don't regret it. I must live with the consequences. I will and will be ok. I might cry, cause you know I don't do that enough these days! But I only want to be with him if he wants to be with me. Why would I want to be with someone that doesn't love me? I mean love me like that. I will not love someone that doesn't love me. That isn't love, that is pathetic. I do love me enough to expect it back. I have changed that part of me. I am not a martyr nor do I wish to be one. I want the real deal. I will discuss this with him in a passive, accepting tone. I believe that we owe that to each other. I love him so much, but I love me too now. I will not accept a destructive relationship any longer and neither should he. I have changed enough about me in these months that he has been away that this will not be compromised! Then why do I feel the need to declare it? As if I am trying to convince myself? I am not! I am excited about this! I talked at length with two friends of mine that are at the beginning of what I experience all those years ago. I told them that I bawled in my car last week and came back in to work. Yes I was sad but I was relieved! I could feel! I felt not disappointment or uncontrollable rage or anything from the past. I cry because I am accepting it, all of it. I am accepting my life and his life. The fact that he went into rehab is purely coincidental. I let go when I believed that he was gone, on his way to death's door. Even now I cannot say that he will not find that path again. But now I can say with conviction that I cannot change it and it is LIBERATING!! No amount of control will prevent it. I am free. I don't have that responsibility any longer. Thank God! He is an adult. I can only support him and love him. Is this detachment? Wow. I struggled with that concept for years! I never knew what it meant! Melanie is right. Recovery for codependents is wonderful. I waited for it and it is here. I will not lie and say that I am not sad. I am. But that is encouraging. It signals acceptance. I am not depressed. I am sad. Way different. Wow these posts are long. Much to say, I suppose. If C and I end up together, well that is the bonus. Bu the game is over. I won. I didn't lose. All those years I lost but I stopped and decided to take it back. I am happy about that. Things really clear up when you do the right things. I am into Melanie's second book now. That is nice. It talks about goal setting. I have some. They are quickly working their way to a check mark. That is great. I will write the letter to C now. I will mail it before I receive his. I need him to know this, what I am experiencing. Maybe it will relieve him as well. Maybe he will focus on him and his recovery and decide what is right. Maybe we both will. I don't want to choose a life without him. I don't want to grow old without him. If he chooses to continue life without me then I cannot change that. I will have to accept it and move on. Of course I will be sad, but I cannot worry about the future. Codependency principles work in so many other areas! I guess I will have to start taking it one day at a time also.