Ultimatums

Once in an Al-Anon meeting I picked up that book, the one with the daily quotes in it. I read it and it all seemed to really fit in my life. I think it might have been there, or on some website maybe, where I read about ultimatums. It said that if I issued one I better be prepared to lose it and accept the consequences. I wish I had read that after I set those boundaries (what I called ultimatums then). What I know now is that I was not prepared to back up what I said. I really meant what I yelled, "It is either me or Vicodin!" "If you don't have a job by the weekend we are through!" and so on. Never ending ultimatums. I got so bad about it that one day I told my middle child, "If you do that again you are grounded!" to which I heard my eldest child reply, "Yeah right, like that is ever going to happen."
OOOHH! I was so mad but the oldest was right! I never backed it up. Too many failures with C made me lose my backbone. I finally stopped that. The day I heard that kiddo's smart ass remark from the backseat a new lady was born. Now I will not sit here and lie and say that every threat that has come from me I followed through with but every ultimatum was. When I told him to get help and we could work it out or it was over, I meant it. And I did it. I divorced him, made him move out and went on with my life. The fact that he is in rehab now is because of him. I took him to the interview but he did it. That is incidental. If he had not sought treatment then he would have died. That is his journey. It parted from mine when he chose that shit. It wasn't mine. I let go and I felt free. Sometimes when I read the blogs of others I can feel myself tense up. I remember those fights and can nearly word for word recall the dialogue. Maybe the words are a little different but as I am finding out we aren't all as different as we would like to be. Maybe he says cunt instead of bitch and she says pussy instead of loser, but the fight progresses the same. I guess I want you all to know I remember those times. If you can get anything from this it is this: The Hardest Thing To Do Is ALWAYS The Right Thing To Do! That is my own personal quote, but it is true!
Setting boundaries, aka ultimatums and threats, is probably the keystone to attachment or detachment. It took me 8 years to get detachment. Once I found it I will never go back. I can love him, but I will not help him destroy himself. I will not load that gun with him. I will let go and step back. That blood is not on my hands. Dammit, it is so hard. I know you want to stop him but if you cannot stop yourself how on God's green earth can you stop someone else? That is the base of codependency. Oh, heavy thoughts. I am off now to work from home and ease off the soap box. Thanks for listening.

Reflective thoughts for my blogging friends

I struggled with Al-Anon meetings for a while. I know that there are other 12 step meetings but I always left angry. I still haven' figured out why. I have really grown to rely on the blogs of others similar to me. We are from all walks of life here bound by sadness, betrayal and lies (aka addiction). Fade to black. Ha ha.
But seriously folks. It is truly an anonymous forum here which makes it easier to be more openly honest without fear of ridicule. I have learned so much from the other people that I read here. It is better than a meeting. I will probably look up other groups soon since I realize that human contact is a necessary function of life. I can make up one million excuses why I haven't been in years. But I will spare you the bull shit.
I think a lot about the things I read from some of the blogs here. I think about them during the day some. I certainly don't blog as often as I read their heart wrenching stories. I guess my point is thanks! Thank you for sharing a part of your lives with me. It makes me feel more normal. I am insecure about where I fit in sometimes. I feel like MPJ (I use the abbreviation the Junky's Wife uses) when she described herself (and her family as well) as an outsider. That is what I am and I feel comforted that all of the shit that I have gone through, or more accurately allowed to happen, isn't all that fucked up. Does anyone else understand what I mean? I have a sneaking suspicion that more than one will. I leave you tonight with a sad, knowing smile. Thank you.

Totally Awesome!

Are any of you out there Sopranos fans? I am really sad that the show is ending and C isn't here for me to talk to about it. Ugh. We love that stupid show and he is missing it and so much is happening! It was an awesome episode tonight!!
Well, I am still having feeling of inadequacy where C is concerned. I have gone over the day again, though not insanely. I feel his distance though now, with a day or two behind me, I think he may have been a little freaked at how I acted. I am not touchy by nature. We used to fight about this when we first married. He is very touchy and I never think about it. Well that was reversed for me on Friday and he may not have been ready for that. I have this great overture of love for him on the day of his mother's funeral. I should have backed off some. To me, it wasn't sad. I was happy to see him, overjoyed! He was sad, though happy to have a "normal" day compared to his every days. I am not making much of. I will write him and tell him that if he is unsure of he and I, if he needs time to consider to let me know. I love him enough to let him go and be his friend. I love him that much. Ultimately it was my decision to divorce, not his. It was the right decision at the time and don't regret it. I must live with the consequences. I will and will be ok. I might cry, cause you know I don't do that enough these days! But I only want to be with him if he wants to be with me. Why would I want to be with someone that doesn't love me? I mean love me like that. I will not love someone that doesn't love me. That isn't love, that is pathetic. I do love me enough to expect it back. I have changed that part of me. I am not a martyr nor do I wish to be one. I want the real deal. I will discuss this with him in a passive, accepting tone. I believe that we owe that to each other. I love him so much, but I love me too now. I will not accept a destructive relationship any longer and neither should he. I have changed enough about me in these months that he has been away that this will not be compromised! Then why do I feel the need to declare it? As if I am trying to convince myself? I am not! I am excited about this! I talked at length with two friends of mine that are at the beginning of what I experience all those years ago. I told them that I bawled in my car last week and came back in to work. Yes I was sad but I was relieved! I could feel! I felt not disappointment or uncontrollable rage or anything from the past. I cry because I am accepting it, all of it. I am accepting my life and his life. The fact that he went into rehab is purely coincidental. I let go when I believed that he was gone, on his way to death's door. Even now I cannot say that he will not find that path again. But now I can say with conviction that I cannot change it and it is LIBERATING!! No amount of control will prevent it. I am free. I don't have that responsibility any longer. Thank God! He is an adult. I can only support him and love him. Is this detachment? Wow. I struggled with that concept for years! I never knew what it meant! Melanie is right. Recovery for codependents is wonderful. I waited for it and it is here. I will not lie and say that I am not sad. I am. But that is encouraging. It signals acceptance. I am not depressed. I am sad. Way different. Wow these posts are long. Much to say, I suppose. If C and I end up together, well that is the bonus. Bu the game is over. I won. I didn't lose. All those years I lost but I stopped and decided to take it back. I am happy about that. Things really clear up when you do the right things. I am into Melanie's second book now. That is nice. It talks about goal setting. I have some. They are quickly working their way to a check mark. That is great. I will write the letter to C now. I will mail it before I receive his. I need him to know this, what I am experiencing. Maybe it will relieve him as well. Maybe he will focus on him and his recovery and decide what is right. Maybe we both will. I don't want to choose a life without him. I don't want to grow old without him. If he chooses to continue life without me then I cannot change that. I will have to accept it and move on. Of course I will be sad, but I cannot worry about the future. Codependency principles work in so many other areas! I guess I will have to start taking it one day at a time also.

Overactive tear ducts!

I cry at movies. I cry inappropriately at movies now. I might have cried when the boy shot the dog or the mom is at the daughter's funeral with her friends but now I cry at everything. My children probably think their mother is a basket case filled with tissues. What is wrong with me? I cry when I tell stories about crying. For Pete's sake! My sinuses cannot handle the pressure of the runny snot! It is refreshing to think that I empathize with so many people. I must really believe the stories or maybe the acting is just that good. I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again. I love the movie. I don't recall bawling the last time I watched it though. I needed a few minutes to gather my composure three weeks ago when I watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants! What is up with that? I can place myself in the drama of the movies and mold it to fit me somehow. Boy am I reaching for some excitement???
At any rate I never have to worry about a clogged tear duct. They run constantly. I haven't thought of C overly today. I mean, I think of him as often as I do but I am insecure. I am over analyzing our touches and movements. I feel distant sometimes, like maybe I am reaching out too hard? Did I feel him pull away from me? It is hard. I am going to have to give it up. If I have learned nothing over the years it is this: what good does worrying do about it? So, it doesn't work out. I will eventually drag myself out of the despair and mow the lawn. Someone has to do it. What a random thing to end that sentence with, huh? Mow the lawn! I am losing it. I guess I need sleep.
I would like to think about my future. I want to post here that he is out, we are reunited and can actually leave the past where it is, behind us. Not forget, but forgive and move on. I would like to leave the words of encouragement that I will have under my belt solid by then. I want to have assurance that things will be well. Oh, but if my codependency isn't better by then, then someone run me over! Can you believe I typed that? How can I have assurance? Control. I need to let go of control. Can you see it? That sentence about assurance. That is control. Ooh. I have to be careful. You see beautiful people, we control without even thinking. Do you wonder if they use without even thinking? I never cease to be amazed by addiction. I think codependency is an addiction lock, stock and barrel. I am/was addicted to C. He was addicted to everything. I guess some part of that was me. I know it was. The only thing I can do now is turn it over, give it to Him. My faith is returning and I am happy to give my uncontrollable, not caused by me, I cannot change problem away. I was never overly religious, in fact I had/have a hard time with some things still. My experience has been that the hardest way is generally the right way. If it is hard to believe in it (higher power), then maybe it is right. Things always seem to work better for me when I trust that (higher power), though. It can't hurt! It certainly wasn't working when I only trusted negativity.

The shit never ends. It is pouring. But I see the sun...

I am thoroughly sick. I did not realize that I was this ill until today. C called from rehab wanting me to get him and escort him to the viewing. As you will recall C's mom passed away on Monday. Historically C deals with death by medicating himself silly with a pill or crack or whatever he can find. I was not surprised to hear him on the phone telling, not asking me, to retrieve him from his "work" and take shuttle him to the funeral home. I know that he is frustrated and I know that he is grieving but I lost it. I left work on a quick break to deposit a check (that is already spent) and cried like a baby to the bank and back. Why? Why to I do this? Why do I base so much of who I am with this man? Is it unhealthy? I love him. I love him deeply. I want to be with him forever. I love the man behind the addict. He is beautiful, tough, emotional, hard, sexy, caring, jerk, etc. All of these characteristics make me love him more. Make me? How can someone make me? I make myself. Or do I? Isn't this what I read about, contemplated about? Codependency.
For years I lost to Vicodin. I lost every battle I waged. I lost my mind. When C couldn't find his beloved pills he turned to liquor, the other love of his life. When that wasn't as much fun he turned to speed, meth, ice, crack, coke, and on and on. He never did heroin, though I suspect that his love affair with Vic would have progressed to Heroin. They are all related. He loves them, he hates them.
Now I face a distinct possibility of losing him forever. I cannot endure the scenes that flicker through my head, a horror movie that will not stop. I see him with the life insurance money and I see his pain. His anguish is apparent with every cent he wastes on pseudo happiness. Does it matter what he buys? He can drink his sorrow, snort it or smoke it. It will all give him the same effect. Every pill he swallows carries him further away from life, from light and warmth and the love he refuses to acknowledge. The disease warps his mind as he lies on the concrete of an overpass, dirty and stinking from days of zoned out living in the Texas summer. The children's questions turn to cries as they search for the answer to "why?". My voice falters when the phone rings. I knew this day would come though I prayed that I would not receive the call. He did not make it through the last escape. He has succumb to a disease that killed his soul. I watched it. I loved him through it. I die in part with him. The disease kills me too, though I live to raise our children. Again he has the escape and I have the pain. I have the nights of sleeplessness with crying children. I have the night of loneliness with no one. I have nights of silence when I used to have nights of fighting.
I sit here at my computer typing these words that C will never see. He will never acknowledge my pain. His disease is selfish and as such causes the patient selfishness. He could read the words and never feel what I mean by them. I can only pray to God that C does return to rehab tomorrow. I can only pray that C will stay at rehab once the reality of mom's passing sinks in. I can only pray. Lord knows I cannot change it! It took about 6 years but I can say it and mean it! I know that I am basically insane, but I am going to put the marriage idea on the back burner for a while. I have to make sure that C is going to be committed to this before I commit to him again.
On a happy note, sober or not, our sex life was slamming. It has been several months since this girl got "her rocks off" as my brothers would say! Tomorrow, and yes this is really bad, we have plans to sneak back here and fuck like animals before I have to return him to the rehab. He is a man after all and they cannot really expect an adult to abstain from sex for 18 months! Also, isn't the saying something like "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll!"? I mean, if the place is full of addicts chances are they when they were rocking out to great music, mellow and high, that they really liked to screw. Wouldn't sex be something that they really miss? Enough with analyzing. Even if I get nothing else from him, one last orgasm (or several if we have the time!!!) is a great way to part.

P.S. Thank you to Junky's Wife. I read your blog daily. I read the blogs you have on the side of your page. I enjoy, no, I need to see them. Misery loves company but so does happiness! http://www.thejunkyswife.com