I mowed my front and back yard today. When I do something like yard work it gives me time in my head to think. The sound of the mower is loud enough to drown out distractions. I love analogies by the way. I think of how I mow the lawn, starting on the outside and working it, going into the sun and rewarding myself by walking into the cool shade of my house. I go around in circles and watch my progress the entire time. Seeing the shorter grass of where I once was and the long grass cast aside in my path makes me feel accomplished. I see the middle of my yard getting smaller and smaller as I make my rounds, the incline that is a pain to mow is already finished. It was my first task, the hardest part is always the first task. I remember having that same attitude with school work. In fact during the mandatory standardized tests I would flip to the back page and work from last to first. The numbers steadily going down made it less daunting. I tackle most things with this approach. C does not. When I have mentioned our differences in past blogs I mean that we are exact opposites. We can be so similar but so different. It takes me 45 minutes to ease into a cool pool. Chris is already enjoying himself having cannon balled nearly an hour earlier. It is what drives me crazy about him. I look for meaning and the why of things. He enjoys whatever I am analyzing. It is nearly symbiotic. I thought of our differences last night while meeting his "friends" at rehab. I shouldn't do friends in quotes but it is hard for me to trust his taste in friends. See that is me being tacky and pessimistic, the old me. While I am talking to these guys (and I am enjoying myself, complete 180 from the last time I visited him at rehab a couple of years ago) I am finding out that they too are the jump in the pool types. I cannot be that sort of person. Motorcycles scare the hell out of me. I cannot breathe at the top of a roller coaster before it zooms forward. I have had one gun pointed at me and it nearly did me in. I asked these guys if their past girlfriends were like me and for the most part I got a yes. I cannot loosen up enough to relax like Chris. He cannot tense up enough to be like me. At least we weren't able to before. The codependent book I read helped me with it. In fact when I recently was atop of the highest roller coaster I thought of something in that book, something about control. I am not going to control when it is my time. If that roller coaster fell off the tracks and I died then 1: what a cool way to die, 2: I couldn't have seen it coming, 3: what could I have done to prevent it? I relaxed at the top, took a deep breath and screamed. I learned a little about myself then. I learned a little about me today. If I mow the opposite direction then I really only have about 1 line of clippings to pick up. An old dog can learn new tricks when given the right steps to do so. What a positive start to my week! (FYI, that happens to be the roller coaster that I was riding in this story. I thought it was really neat that I found this pic! I did sit up front once with C and I was so tense when I got off I couldn't enjoy the rest of the day. I have never sat up front again. Yes, I am a chicken.)

Hello Again!

Oh my it has been a long time. I apologize. I was overly emotional last week. I cried (in private of course) about everything. Turns out I was pms'ing and I started on Sunday. TMI I know but it is an excuse. Shabby, yes but it is an excuse. Truth is I am really sweating the money situation right now. I mean we have food and such but the life insurance money from you know who's passing hasn't come in and I stupidly used the house payment money on bills. Well I am feeling that pressure and it only makes me want to brood. I can brood. Oh yes I can. The kids are well. The older two are going with my mom to BFE, truly the end of the world for a week and a half. At least I don't have to feed them. I will miss them terribly but it will save some money. I have worrying about money. It never makes me feel better to worry about it but nonetheless there I am. Other than that nothing big has happened. My friend from work moved back in with her hubby. I am happy for them, I guess. I mean he just decides to quit using crack like it is a shampoo he doesn't like. But I remember those times, the "honeymoon" times as I called them. Everything really was perfect for about 3-4 weeks until he used again, on a binge. Worlds came crashing down then. Awful stuff. I am still no closer to deciding on what I want to be when I grow up. I keep going back to teaching. I had initially thought middle school but I think high school is the place for me. I hated high school. Maybe if I can find kids like me and let them know not everyone has lost hope for them, maybe they can find something from that. C is having a tough time at rehab. And it is a strict place. I am doing dangerous things though. I am starting to think negatively about the place, setting myself up for when he leaves before he needs to. I am building a base of "OK" with him leaving early so that when he does I am all right with it. But you see, I see this and I am catching it. It is one of the strictest programs around. If you graduate you have a 93% success rate of not using again. Sounds great! The down side: every month they go on a "ban" because someone screws up. It holds everyone accountable but then it punishes those that try. When they are on "ban" then there is no TV, no music, no sodas, no newspapers. You can read the bible and play games. I would go insane. INSANE! And that is not me trying to make it OK for him to leave tomorrow. I told him when i took the youngest by for parents day that he has to give me 6 solid months of this place. I believe that 6 months is a good rehab time. That is a hell of a lot longer than the 28 day program he did before. He is owning his behavior but leaving now will only get him back where he was. He cannot come here now. I am declaring it. My what a long post. I will let you rest your eyes.