Totally Awesome!

Are any of you out there Sopranos fans? I am really sad that the show is ending and C isn't here for me to talk to about it. Ugh. We love that stupid show and he is missing it and so much is happening! It was an awesome episode tonight!!
Well, I am still having feeling of inadequacy where C is concerned. I have gone over the day again, though not insanely. I feel his distance though now, with a day or two behind me, I think he may have been a little freaked at how I acted. I am not touchy by nature. We used to fight about this when we first married. He is very touchy and I never think about it. Well that was reversed for me on Friday and he may not have been ready for that. I have this great overture of love for him on the day of his mother's funeral. I should have backed off some. To me, it wasn't sad. I was happy to see him, overjoyed! He was sad, though happy to have a "normal" day compared to his every days. I am not making much of. I will write him and tell him that if he is unsure of he and I, if he needs time to consider to let me know. I love him enough to let him go and be his friend. I love him that much. Ultimately it was my decision to divorce, not his. It was the right decision at the time and don't regret it. I must live with the consequences. I will and will be ok. I might cry, cause you know I don't do that enough these days! But I only want to be with him if he wants to be with me. Why would I want to be with someone that doesn't love me? I mean love me like that. I will not love someone that doesn't love me. That isn't love, that is pathetic. I do love me enough to expect it back. I have changed that part of me. I am not a martyr nor do I wish to be one. I want the real deal. I will discuss this with him in a passive, accepting tone. I believe that we owe that to each other. I love him so much, but I love me too now. I will not accept a destructive relationship any longer and neither should he. I have changed enough about me in these months that he has been away that this will not be compromised! Then why do I feel the need to declare it? As if I am trying to convince myself? I am not! I am excited about this! I talked at length with two friends of mine that are at the beginning of what I experience all those years ago. I told them that I bawled in my car last week and came back in to work. Yes I was sad but I was relieved! I could feel! I felt not disappointment or uncontrollable rage or anything from the past. I cry because I am accepting it, all of it. I am accepting my life and his life. The fact that he went into rehab is purely coincidental. I let go when I believed that he was gone, on his way to death's door. Even now I cannot say that he will not find that path again. But now I can say with conviction that I cannot change it and it is LIBERATING!! No amount of control will prevent it. I am free. I don't have that responsibility any longer. Thank God! He is an adult. I can only support him and love him. Is this detachment? Wow. I struggled with that concept for years! I never knew what it meant! Melanie is right. Recovery for codependents is wonderful. I waited for it and it is here. I will not lie and say that I am not sad. I am. But that is encouraging. It signals acceptance. I am not depressed. I am sad. Way different. Wow these posts are long. Much to say, I suppose. If C and I end up together, well that is the bonus. Bu the game is over. I won. I didn't lose. All those years I lost but I stopped and decided to take it back. I am happy about that. Things really clear up when you do the right things. I am into Melanie's second book now. That is nice. It talks about goal setting. I have some. They are quickly working their way to a check mark. That is great. I will write the letter to C now. I will mail it before I receive his. I need him to know this, what I am experiencing. Maybe it will relieve him as well. Maybe he will focus on him and his recovery and decide what is right. Maybe we both will. I don't want to choose a life without him. I don't want to grow old without him. If he chooses to continue life without me then I cannot change that. I will have to accept it and move on. Of course I will be sad, but I cannot worry about the future. Codependency principles work in so many other areas! I guess I will have to start taking it one day at a time also.

The shit never ends. It is pouring. But I see the sun...

I am thoroughly sick. I did not realize that I was this ill until today. C called from rehab wanting me to get him and escort him to the viewing. As you will recall C's mom passed away on Monday. Historically C deals with death by medicating himself silly with a pill or crack or whatever he can find. I was not surprised to hear him on the phone telling, not asking me, to retrieve him from his "work" and take shuttle him to the funeral home. I know that he is frustrated and I know that he is grieving but I lost it. I left work on a quick break to deposit a check (that is already spent) and cried like a baby to the bank and back. Why? Why to I do this? Why do I base so much of who I am with this man? Is it unhealthy? I love him. I love him deeply. I want to be with him forever. I love the man behind the addict. He is beautiful, tough, emotional, hard, sexy, caring, jerk, etc. All of these characteristics make me love him more. Make me? How can someone make me? I make myself. Or do I? Isn't this what I read about, contemplated about? Codependency.
For years I lost to Vicodin. I lost every battle I waged. I lost my mind. When C couldn't find his beloved pills he turned to liquor, the other love of his life. When that wasn't as much fun he turned to speed, meth, ice, crack, coke, and on and on. He never did heroin, though I suspect that his love affair with Vic would have progressed to Heroin. They are all related. He loves them, he hates them.
Now I face a distinct possibility of losing him forever. I cannot endure the scenes that flicker through my head, a horror movie that will not stop. I see him with the life insurance money and I see his pain. His anguish is apparent with every cent he wastes on pseudo happiness. Does it matter what he buys? He can drink his sorrow, snort it or smoke it. It will all give him the same effect. Every pill he swallows carries him further away from life, from light and warmth and the love he refuses to acknowledge. The disease warps his mind as he lies on the concrete of an overpass, dirty and stinking from days of zoned out living in the Texas summer. The children's questions turn to cries as they search for the answer to "why?". My voice falters when the phone rings. I knew this day would come though I prayed that I would not receive the call. He did not make it through the last escape. He has succumb to a disease that killed his soul. I watched it. I loved him through it. I die in part with him. The disease kills me too, though I live to raise our children. Again he has the escape and I have the pain. I have the nights of sleeplessness with crying children. I have the night of loneliness with no one. I have nights of silence when I used to have nights of fighting.
I sit here at my computer typing these words that C will never see. He will never acknowledge my pain. His disease is selfish and as such causes the patient selfishness. He could read the words and never feel what I mean by them. I can only pray to God that C does return to rehab tomorrow. I can only pray that C will stay at rehab once the reality of mom's passing sinks in. I can only pray. Lord knows I cannot change it! It took about 6 years but I can say it and mean it! I know that I am basically insane, but I am going to put the marriage idea on the back burner for a while. I have to make sure that C is going to be committed to this before I commit to him again.
On a happy note, sober or not, our sex life was slamming. It has been several months since this girl got "her rocks off" as my brothers would say! Tomorrow, and yes this is really bad, we have plans to sneak back here and fuck like animals before I have to return him to the rehab. He is a man after all and they cannot really expect an adult to abstain from sex for 18 months! Also, isn't the saying something like "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll!"? I mean, if the place is full of addicts chances are they when they were rocking out to great music, mellow and high, that they really liked to screw. Wouldn't sex be something that they really miss? Enough with analyzing. Even if I get nothing else from him, one last orgasm (or several if we have the time!!!) is a great way to part.

P.S. Thank you to Junky's Wife. I read your blog daily. I read the blogs you have on the side of your page. I enjoy, no, I need to see them. Misery loves company but so does happiness! http://www.thejunkyswife.com