I am like everyone else?

I think I am jaded. I have a great friend in denial of her hubby's addiction. I have previously posted about it but in case you missed it he is the one that said, and I quote, "A, crack is not addicting." (in that duh tone). So now he has a hurt back and has been prescribed my nemesis: Vicodin. I HATE Vicodin. This is very close to C's problem though he wasn't using crack at the time of his back injury (not in the early part). He didn't want to take pain medicine because he was afraid of it. This brings tears to my eyes when I think about it now. I worked about 60-70 hours a week during that time because we were poor and needed to incomes. He did get worker's comp but it was only 70% of his check and that was a big part. So after his surgery he still didn't take his medicine. We didn't fill the prescriptions. Then he started filling them. I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. We told his Dr. that he had addiction issues. I assumed it was under control. His mother (duh duh duh!) brings over her bottle (this happens earlier though I was unaware) and leaves it on the kitchen table. She cannot bear to see her son in pain! Crocodile tears. She knew he didn't want to take them. She left them there and he found them and the rest is history. So back to the original idea. I am jaded. I thought that we were all unique. I mean i guess we are but we are so similar. Why? My friend, A, her hubby is now taking Vicodin. Oh the Horror! I mean, Vicodin served its purpose for me after the birth of my third baby (when I had the tubes tied, best decision ever!!!) and I was hurting and I took like, 6 and that was enough. But for an addict, for an addict it is something else. Vicodin is the baby brother to Hydrocodone which is the baby brother to Heroin. It sucks. It all sucks. I can see into their future. Why does it always have to be the back?? Opioids are the worst thing ever. They are a drain, a leech and there is never enough. That addiction knows no "rock bottom" because it is a hole. A big, black hole. Oh it is so negative, I am sorry.

I really did get a prize!

Here it is, my prize!

I am a winner!!!!

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So you see what I won. The Junky's Wife gave it to me. I am so touched (seriously). I am waayyy nerdy enough to love that sort of recognition. But I am not nerdy enough to do it right. Forgive me, lord of blogs for my ignorance.

Hello Again!

Oh my it has been a long time. I apologize. I was overly emotional last week. I cried (in private of course) about everything. Turns out I was pms'ing and I started on Sunday. TMI I know but it is an excuse. Shabby, yes but it is an excuse. Truth is I am really sweating the money situation right now. I mean we have food and such but the life insurance money from you know who's passing hasn't come in and I stupidly used the house payment money on bills. Well I am feeling that pressure and it only makes me want to brood. I can brood. Oh yes I can. The kids are well. The older two are going with my mom to BFE, truly the end of the world for a week and a half. At least I don't have to feed them. I will miss them terribly but it will save some money. I have worrying about money. It never makes me feel better to worry about it but nonetheless there I am. Other than that nothing big has happened. My friend from work moved back in with her hubby. I am happy for them, I guess. I mean he just decides to quit using crack like it is a shampoo he doesn't like. But I remember those times, the "honeymoon" times as I called them. Everything really was perfect for about 3-4 weeks until he used again, on a binge. Worlds came crashing down then. Awful stuff. I am still no closer to deciding on what I want to be when I grow up. I keep going back to teaching. I had initially thought middle school but I think high school is the place for me. I hated high school. Maybe if I can find kids like me and let them know not everyone has lost hope for them, maybe they can find something from that. C is having a tough time at rehab. And it is a strict place. I am doing dangerous things though. I am starting to think negatively about the place, setting myself up for when he leaves before he needs to. I am building a base of "OK" with him leaving early so that when he does I am all right with it. But you see, I see this and I am catching it. It is one of the strictest programs around. If you graduate you have a 93% success rate of not using again. Sounds great! The down side: every month they go on a "ban" because someone screws up. It holds everyone accountable but then it punishes those that try. When they are on "ban" then there is no TV, no music, no sodas, no newspapers. You can read the bible and play games. I would go insane. INSANE! And that is not me trying to make it OK for him to leave tomorrow. I told him when i took the youngest by for parents day that he has to give me 6 solid months of this place. I believe that 6 months is a good rehab time. That is a hell of a lot longer than the 28 day program he did before. He is owning his behavior but leaving now will only get him back where he was. He cannot come here now. I am declaring it. My what a long post. I will let you rest your eyes.

Rainy, cloudy mood

I have a friend that is experiencing some of the same crap that I have gone through. It is so easy for me to tell her what to do. It is so easy to clear her life up for her. There isn't anything that I can say that will help her. She will have to figure it out for herself. It is sad, and black, and lonely and everything else bad. I remember feeling and saying the things I can hear her saying even now. I bargained, I issued ultimatums, I called names and controlled. I went crazy. She is going crazy. I can feel myself tense up just listening to her. It has infected my mind a little and now I am in a shitty mood. I will have to detach from her and let her live her own life. It hurts me to see it but what can I do? I have learned that there isn't anything that I can do to control another adult. She is no exception. At least now I realize how those around me must have felt when I lived through this crap. It is so easy to judge the situation from the safety and comfort of the bleachers. It is a whole other game on the field.

Reflective thoughts for my blogging friends

I struggled with Al-Anon meetings for a while. I know that there are other 12 step meetings but I always left angry. I still haven' figured out why. I have really grown to rely on the blogs of others similar to me. We are from all walks of life here bound by sadness, betrayal and lies (aka addiction). Fade to black. Ha ha.
But seriously folks. It is truly an anonymous forum here which makes it easier to be more openly honest without fear of ridicule. I have learned so much from the other people that I read here. It is better than a meeting. I will probably look up other groups soon since I realize that human contact is a necessary function of life. I can make up one million excuses why I haven't been in years. But I will spare you the bull shit.
I think a lot about the things I read from some of the blogs here. I think about them during the day some. I certainly don't blog as often as I read their heart wrenching stories. I guess my point is thanks! Thank you for sharing a part of your lives with me. It makes me feel more normal. I am insecure about where I fit in sometimes. I feel like MPJ (I use the abbreviation the Junky's Wife uses) when she described herself (and her family as well) as an outsider. That is what I am and I feel comforted that all of the shit that I have gone through, or more accurately allowed to happen, isn't all that fucked up. Does anyone else understand what I mean? I have a sneaking suspicion that more than one will. I leave you tonight with a sad, knowing smile. Thank you.

Fixin' to

Not much to say tonight. I am still reeling from the effects of the Sopranos finale. It is a freaking show! This is why I like movies that don't require much thinking. It bogs me down so. I still haven't received C's letter. I guess he is taking the rehab seriously as he hasn't sneaked in a call since last week! I am proud of that. More than he will ever know.
I did mail him a Father's Day card. I hope he gets it in time. It will bum him out to be there. Oh well better there than on the street, in jail or dead!
I am "fixin' to" go to bed. I cannot break my Texas mouth of that phrase! Ugh. It kills me that I can hear ain't uttered from the lips of someone across the room but I cannot refrain from that saying!!!! It sounds so ignorant. "Fixin' to". At least I have made a conscious effort. Tomorrow is fun day at Six Flags! We are fixin' to wear ourselves out (I couldn't resist!). I will type more tomorrow provided I have the energy!