Wondering

My friend, A, has decided to leave her crack addicted hubby. I can feel it. It makes my stomach hurt. The same way an addict can spot another addict and know he/she is using is the same way a codie can spot another codie and know when they are "using". I knew he was about to binge and I asked her if she did. She admitted that she could feel it. It is something I think we can all feel.

I hate that drugs and alcohol rule and ruin so many people. It isn't just the addict, it is so far reaching. It screws up so many people. Society needs to do more than what is does now to fight addiction and the problems is causes.

I don't see addiction being addressed in the manner needed to curb it. If awareness and acceptance are stressed maybe it will change some lives. I know that until I fully understood addiction I really put C in the dirt and gutter. So many of my loved ones still would but they don't understand. It isn't a choice. It took me YEARS to get that small concept but it changed my thinking.

I drive down a road littered with crack heads and I used to think of them as trash. Not anymore. Now I see them for what they are; sick, lonely and lost. It is overwhelming sometimes. I know I can't change the world, but I would like to make it a little better.

What?

You know that hero voice, the one super heroes use when they are injured but they continue on? Well think that when reading this: can't go on.... too much homework... must read another chapter... must write a 30 pages paper on something on humanities which really, if you take a pic of my class everyone looks like the pic I am posting here... must write not so fun papers...

Oh yes, I am totally overwhelmed, but only for a moment. I am finding my groove. Lord, I hope I find that groove. C is well. He hasn't cracked or anything so that everyday is looking a little brighter. Everyday that isn't clouded with crack, liquor or that blood sucking whore Vicodin is a super day! (why don't I tell you how I really feel, huh?) ;)

So, I am reading posts, I promise and when I get pissed I will cuntface over at JW's place but I promise I am still around, just got my balls to the walls baby!

Quickee

School was awesome. As I walked on the campus with my backpack I felt like I was home. I love school. It is one area that I am truly passionate about.

Home is great. I mean, it is messy, but it is great. My son is playing tackle football this year (I am in TX and football is religion here). He looks so cute though.

I did find a scratch off ticket in my car console. That concerns me b/c like a good addict he is addicting to gambling too. C is addicting to everything that leads him to either a bar, a pawn shop or jail.

I talked with him about it and he said he wasn't hiding it from me. He knows it could be a problem and it was a good talk. He wasn't defensive. He has promised to try. That is better than an "I won't ever" promise. More meaningful. He always promised "never again" and didn't deliver. Now he is trying so that is something.

I get my two school kiddos into school Monday and I cannot wait. I am ready for that structure.

Money is tight, but when isn't it? I had to buy my books, their supplies, C's work clothes, and on and on. Oh well. At least it is for good things.

I met with the Assistant District Attorney last week. I forgot to mention it. I signed an affidavit of non prosecution. He isn't sure if they are dropping it or not, but it is a step. I wanted to ask, wtf will it take? It is my damn house and if I don't want to prosecute I should have that option. Damn. The legal system is a bitch.

So that is my quick update. On to the blogs of others.

School's in

School starts for me tomorrow. I am attempting 15 hours and a full time job. I will blog as often as I can. I will do it instead of working!!!

So now I am angry because I cannot find his belt. Why should I have to look for his goddamn belt? It is in some insane place that he put it and cannot remember where that is. Are all guys like this?

He calls me unorganized all of the time. He doesn't know what day of the week it is. I bought a big calendar and wrote out every one's schedule. It isn't anal, it is prepared! Will he ever look at it? No. Will he call me and ask me what I work or where so and so is? Yes.

Oh, he found his belt. It was on a pair of shorts that were thrown into the closet, dirty. Can you guess who did that?

At any rate. It will smooth out. I am excited about school and received all my books through the mail without incident. I am taking three education classes, a humanities class and a religion class. I am sincerely excited about them all. I will keep you updated without boring lectures.

Mother, may I.....

When we get remarried do I keep the name the same? I mean when I came up with the name it was symbolic that while I was no longer legally married to him I was obsessed enough to still be. Any thoughts on that?

Also, it has been a while since I left a meaty post. I will attempt to do so now. I am deathly afraid of my children. Not like they are going to smother me while I sleep. I am afraid that they will be like C. When I was in school and offered drugs and had boyfriends that were bad I was scared. I mean I wasn't afraid like someone was going to hurt me but I was afraid because I knew what I was doing was wrong.


I had sex for the first time to spite myself. I made him stop after a few pushes. It hurt like hell. I smoked weed once and I made a deal with God that it wouldn't happen again. I did drink. I drank at parties but never to a point of black out. Oh, I threw up once or twice but I stopped at tipsy. I did my share of sneaking out and getting caught and skipping school. I hated my family because they were stupid. I knew it was all wrong.

I never went past it though. I never went to the point of partying like C did. By 15 he was into coke and speed. I was way to scared for those things. He never was. If he was scared he got over it. I would have never ever been able to do those things. I am not afraid of life. I am not afraid of the cops (though now I really don't like them). I am not afraid of being by myself.

I am afraid of not wearing a seat belt. I am afraid of speeding. I hate being up past 10 (even though it is 11). I have narrowed the reason why I am the way that I am to one thing : I am 80. I am an 80 year old person that has the sex drive of a 15 year old boy. That is only a recent thing btw. When C was really bad we were lucky to have sex once a month. I didn't want to most of the time. I was too hurt.

So now I am afraid of my kids. How do I make them not like C and not like me? How do I put them in the middle. Not afraid of spice, but afraid of fire? Is there a way to make them happy and level and happy level? Does it work that way?

They are still innocent and perfect but I am staring down the barrel of teen angst and before they hate me I want to mold them. Oh, the pain and pleasure of parenting.

From the past

This isn't a war story because I am not proud of it. But I have a very dry, dark humor and really laugh at some of the weird shit I did over addiction. I went through all of the stages of grief but I think I should include one that isn't listed: Insanity. I had it down. In my insane moments I did really insane stuff. I will put it here but if I ever run for public office and someone finds this I am ruined.

Some of you may have read the Cinnamon story at Mantramine's blog, in reference to her story about searching her hubby's van. Who hasn't plowed through someones belongings looking for "it". "It" ladies and gentleman is that, something we know is wrong although we aren't sure what "it" is. We will know when we find "it". Some of us know what paraphernalia or drugs look like, some of don't. I had no idea why I had Brillo pad pieces in the pocket of my seat in the car. I didn't smoke crack so I didn't know what it was for.

But I did know when I found something that shouldn't be there. And when I became aware I began searching. I wasn't sure for what but I would know when I found "it". I found lots of things he didn't want me to see. I went through a period when I thought he hid things like a scavenger hunt and it was a game. I was so sick.

But to the funny stories. Or sad. It depends on the way you read it. Imagine a laugh track like to Funny Videos, it makes it better. Once when C was high on speed he passed a pig farm. He knew he had been very bad so he thought he would buy me a pig to make up for it. We live in city limits. We have a dog and a cat. He brought the pig to my work. What the fuck am I going to do with a pig at my work???

Once I found a plethora of pills on a cig package and dumped them on the front lawn. I turned on the water hose and watered them into the ground. I think if he hadn't been high he would have killed me. Once after investigating our cell phone bill I found a number over and over. I called it and pretended to have received the name and number from C because he thought she might be interested in a car. It blew her mind that C would say she wanted a car because she didn't really even know him. She turned out to be one half of a couple that sold speed. I should have taken the pig to her house. ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

I found a crack pipe in an empty cassette case with tin foil. I wasn't too sure at the time what those were but he said that he found in on the road. That was paired up with a really raunchy porn mag that cost a lot because it showed everything. All I could think was that girl taking that 5" in diameter penis was someones daughter. It looked really painful.

Once I found pills and I flushed them but left a really funny note in their place. He found it because I found it crumpled on the floor near the hiding spot but he never said anything. I felt so satisfied about that one. It was a really big thing for me because I didn't confront him.

This isn't too funny. Well, somethings are. It is funnier in my head than on paper. Well, we have more times ahead and so far this month has been better than the previous 6 years!! I feel positive about it. This shit was on my mind and had to get it out.

Thanks!

Three and one to grow on....

Today is my littlest baby's birthday. She is 3. She thinks she is 5 so if you ask her how old she is you get that answer. We went to Chuck E Cheese and C and I had a ski ball competition. I kicked his ass. It was fun.

The text books are coming in without incident and I am enjoying receiving something other than bills in the mail. I am a dork and have already scanned most of the first chapters of the books I have so far. I love school. I love most things about it. I love the accomplishment you feel at the end of a semester and I haven't taken one class that I didn't enjoy. Those that I thought I would hate I loved. Such is life.

C is calling on the warrants and tickets all by himself. I guess my little man is growing up. Sniff. He told me the other day that he is a man. I think he means it. That makes me happy. At 33 he should be. He is mentally growing up. It was hard living with a 20 year old so I am happy to see the 30's catching up with him. I guess it is true that when the addiction starts the brain stops!

I did get really mad. For the last years of our marriage he slept on the couch. It was symbolic really, him not in my bed. I put him there. He wanted to be there. It was easier to drink or smoke or snort without me in the way. One of my conditions when moving back in was that he go to bed with me and stay with me. In the middle of the night he gets up and eats (thin as he is) and falls asleep on the couch. It is really pissing me off because it flashes me back immediately and I freak. I have not gotten out of bed except once to "check" on him, aka. police sort of checking.

I did have my house booby trapped one time to catch him (hiding places, etc) but I will not ever go back to that.

Well I have to catch up on the reading and have to play with my princess (she really is a princess with the glittery pink gown on she received). Have a wonderful night!