I'm feeling a little funky. I started reading the regular round 'o blogs and I stopped. Something negative is there and I can feel it. I hate addiction. A great friend of mine is going through the worst of times and it sucks for her. She calls me and cries to me. I am a bad friend to her. I don't want to hear it. Is that wrong? It is too fresh for me still. Is that horrible of me? Of all the things I have learned in my time I have learned to appreciate the value of a good day. I had a good day. I can make my days good and that is what I choose now. There is little I can effect but I can affect much. If what I have been through left me anything it is the scars of my own making. Life is too short for this shit.

A big greasy burrito

I don't believe in reincarnation. I think it is a really neat idea to consider. This is not to say that I don't believe in spirits or a spiritual world because I do but I don't really subscribe to the idea that I have had past lives. This being said, I really feel like an old person in a 29 year-old body. I don't enjoy the things my peer do. When I went through my divorce I had a compulsion to go out and party. And I did, once. And I drank, three drinks. And I went home. Period. I didn't dance. I didn't pick up anyone. I ate a greasy burrito.

My life is a greasy burrito. I enjoyed the burrito more than the $7 Sangrias and the shitty band that played.

It was refreshing to go out an let my hair down. I always regret it though b/c I think of the money I spent and what is left to show for it.

I had my first baby at 18. I made the choice then to put aside any partying tendencies and raise her the best I could. I had so many acquaintances that had babies young and was a co-parent to their child with their parents. I vowed not to ever do that, not to me, to her or to my parents. And I didn't. I have my 11 year-old baby along with my 8 and 3 (one of which is on my lap).

I guess the point to the rambling post is the loneliness I feel sometimes. I work with women very similar to me that enjoy clubbing and such. Am I alone? Am I really an 80 year old person in my 29 year-old body? Ugh.

I wish I could relax enough to see the value in drinking and dancing. Is it b/c of my addict hubby? Do you think he made me really hate it? I see so many problems when I see my friends "going out". There are so many things that could/should/and do go wrong. I know we live for today but aren't we not really asking for it but should we expect it when we put ourselves in those situations? I need clarity.

I normally count my blessings and can snap out of these moods but today I cannot. I am inside my head. I am having a problem but I cannot figure out what it is. There is something nameless floating around inside of me but I cannot grab it and shake it.

I am melancholy. I love that word. It is beautiful. I wish it wasn't so sad. I wasn't this way when I woke up. I received a call from my friend. She was giving me the details of her night that included our co-worker and an ex-friend of ours. I say ex because once that crazy bitch found ice we had to let her go. It was easier to set that boundary than with my hubby. At least I learned something.

At any rate she was giving me the details of how it progressed from dancing in a club to ending up at a drug dealers house where they were given a choice, tits or money. Fun times.

I am not sure why I am so affected by this story. If they want to flash for joints then that is their perogative. Why I am so pulled down by this?

My overall feeling right now is alone. I feel alone sometimes. I don't feel like I fit in with society sometimes. I am growing jaded and sad. I hate what I see around me sometimes. As a child I believed that people were good until they grew up. Once they grew up they made the decision to be bad or good. If that was/is true then why do I see so many good people doing bad things? Why does this hurt me so bad today?

I wish I didn't have such a problem with Church. Don't get me wrong, I am not an atheist. I believe in God and Jesus but I am also a woman and a feminist and I don't like how women are portrayed in many aspects of the bible or how hypocritical the members of a church can be (grew up in a southern baptist area). That being said, I wish I didn't have such a problem with it. I really feel like I could find a home in religion. Maybe it is what I need, to be full of faith that my fellow people are good and want to do good things.

I don't believe that all people should fit into cookie cutter shapes, that if the shoe doesn't fit too bad. I know that we have diversity and cultures and I love that about our world. But there are some things that cross all cut lures as being bad and lying is one of those things. What good happens when you are out at 3 am? Can someone please tell me what the hell this rambling post points me to?

Sorry if anything in here offended anyone. I am just typing as it comes to me and I don't wish anyone harm or feel that I have attacked any beliefs. I encourage feed back. Did I really just type a disclaimer?

Dump

Here's the problem: remarriage. Do I want to? Can I? What makes me put it off? I cringe at the thought of divorce. I am not entering into this with that on the forefront but we have to be realistic. He is a recovering addict. Does 6 months clean make a success story? Would like to think so but again, realistic. I am not being stubborn or a bitch. I am scared. I am afraid of opening up my mortgage, my car payment, my bank account to a person that has squeezed the life and blood out of me (by my permission).
Do I open the kids up to that again? The thought of telling them sorry, we are divorcing? Daddy didn't recover? Omg. I am so confused. I love him. I really do. I believe that he is clean and healthy and happy. I don't trust him yet. I mean I do, with small things like cashing his paycheck and giving it to me. Small trips with the car, stuff like that. It was hard but I had to give and so did he. Do I trust him with EVERYTHING? When is it long enough to be sure? Again I feel like I did in the throes of codependency and addiction. Ugh. I hate being unsure. That is the worst part of "it". The "it" as you will recall is that demon, the thing that consumes the addict and those around him/her. "It" runs on it's own time frame and it never jives with my plans. That is when I gave it up. It was nice to release. What a rambling post. It truly feels better to get it out. That energy is destructive to the mind and spirit. Thanks for the unloading.

Squeezing my lemons.

Parenting is probably one of the most underrated jobs ever. The top is being in a relationship and being a parent. I cannot think of a situation with more time bombs just tick tick ticking away.
The shit happens when one parent is the disciplinarian and the other, well, a friend. I am always the "bad guy", the one that kills fun time for bed time and the one that makes them brush their teeth. I make them do homework and check their folders and he takes them on bike rides. Great. I am glad that they are bonding.
Hell no.
I actually heard him tell the kids "you better hurry and get this done or we will all be in trouble". WTF.
That was really said. I don't fucking think so. We are in this job together. The kids aren't supposed to like us. Love us, yeah. Trust us, yeah. Respect us, yeah. Like us, conditional (depending on the moment).
Boiling mad right now. Just might explode. But alas, here I sit, typing a short entry into my blog. You might here me explode in a bit. Don't worry, it isn't terminal. It is just another night in paradise. The good thing about it is the kids are now all in their rooms and I don't have to watch football! When life gives you lemons throw them at someone near you!

Roses are red.

My old man turned 22 yesterday. I am estimating his mental age a little but we are definitely out of the teen age years. Sometimes I would put him closer to his actual age (34) but for the most part b/c of the fart jokes he is still in the early twenties. I am pleased to say that he is still employed and has twice cashed his checks without me and deposited them into my bank account without me. You must know what an accomplishment this is. I was even shown the check stubs! We are getting so responsible.
I was a little concerned b/c the deposit amount didn't match the check amount. I was waiting, deciding how to handle this when I was surprised with a dozen roses delivered to my work! I am in love.
So he was properly banged for his birthday.
I am swamped with school and work. I am debating on a major change (again!). I am never satisfied. Does anyone else go through this? Why are we defined by our careers? Ugh. I need a guidance counselor. Will I always go through this? How can a 20 year old person know exactly what they want to be? I am the only person in any of my classes that flip flops like this. Help!
I cannot decide if a job with actual money is worth the change. I am giving so much of myself away right now. I want to be fairly compensated for it. I currently make about $40-50k a year (depending on the market) and I don't want to work this damn hard only to make the same money. Is is wrong of me? I feel the pull of the legal field so strong and I want to do it. Help!!!!

But my stapler...

I am sure that everyone has seen Office Space by now. Well, the poor fellow that keeps getting shoved into closets and basements, that is me. We are moving my department into a break room. This break room has "permanent dirt" that cannot be cleaned. It is also the location of the coffee machine and fridge. Everyone comes in there and heats up their smelly food. It has tile floors. The majority of work I do is over the phone. I am sure it will be loud as hell. I am actually feeling very unappreciated today. I am going to whine and stomp my feet I think. Some days being 5 really rocks.

How the necklace ruined my day

I was a married to an addict long enough to have everything of value pawned for drugs. I am now acquiring those things that were stolen and sold for a fraction of their price for crack. It has been fun buying a new camera, dvd's, TVs and jewelry. I am a little tight so I don't buy very expensive items for myself. I do splurge on the kids though. My last insane purchase for myself was my Coach purse and wallet. Guys will never understand the purse obsession.
ps My Louis Vitton purse was also pawned. What a sad day.

To the point. My necklace is missing. It is my fault. I took it off at the computer desk. Even when taking it off I remember making a mental note to put it up. My room is not a sacred hideaway like my parents was. My children are welcome anytime and my 3 year old loves it in here. She also loves jewelry.

So my necklace isn't just lost, it is dead. I cannot find it anywhere. I am disappointed but mostly because of the symbolic meaning behind that necklace. It was a necklace the C bought me. I really didn't care for the style but I loved it because of the care and pride he showed when he gave it to me.

I have looked for it for weeks and it didn't occur to me that he could have pawned it until my friend, A, mentioned her camera is gone. Well those of you that have found her blog probably can guess where that camera is. I remember those feelings. Such frustration and hurt. It made me remember wondering about my camcorder, dvds, whatever. Then I thought about the necklace.

He was hurt when I brought it up but he does have some history there. He told me that he hadn't been in a pawn shop in months. He didn't swear it. He didn't promise it. He didn't defend it and then get really mad and bring up something that I never did (cheat) to take the focus off him. He just said that it upsets him that I have that question but he understands why.

I would just really feel better if the necklace appeared. I hate that doubt. To be honest though, I hadn't thought about him pawning it until now and I do feel that I am barking up the wrong tree. In the past when I thought something about a situation, usually my first gut feeling was always right. When the necklace disappeared I didn't think that way at all. He has a job and has money. He has gained 20 pounds since coming home in July.

Now I sound like I am defending him. Funny how we (codies) will do that. Be that as it may, even is he did pawn it I cannot stop him from doing so. I have learned much about addiction in the past year, more than I did in any other year. I have learned that I truly cannot control C, change C or cause his addiction. I do have a firm grasp on that. One day, in 20 years I will find that stupid necklace in some obscure corner of this house and I will present it to my three year old, then 23, with her present. I am sure she will love it now as much as she did on the day she picked it up and took it with all the other socks I am missing.

Back To Hell

Literally. We have to go back to Hell and clear up C's court troubles there. We. Yes we. I was looking up bus tickets b/c he didn't have access to the Internet at his job, not to mention he is computer illiterate, and he mentioned to me that he was a little afraid of going.

What? Well he told me later, on his lunch break, that he was afraid of going there alone. It was such a bad place for us. Not the place, but what spot he was in his addiction when he was there. It was a bad place for us both. That is why I call it hell. It really sucks there, especially when you are born and raised in a metroplex area. We didn't know what we were going to, really. It was one of the most impulsive things I have ever done in my entire life.

At any rate, it was an experience that had to happen and one I don't regret. I learned a lot about myself and he did as well. He asked me to go with him. I agreed. He asked for my support, not my support, but the support of a friend in a hard place. It was the first time he has ever asked for something like that. And it was the first time that I didn't volunteer it. I guess it happened like it is suppose to. You know, someone asks for help and they receive it. What a novel idea!

At any rate. I am pleased with it. If one of us has to go back there and needs support then the other should be able and willing to do it. And I am. And he is ready to go. It is a formality really. All we are doing is having the DWI crap transferred to our area. He has to do it in person though. Fucking red tape.

Have a great night! Will post when I can ( I only have about, umm, 12 papers due at the end of this month). I love school. =)

Who am I

I love words. I think they are so underrated as a form of expression. Some of you know how I cherish cuss words and the meanings they show when used in certain situations.

Where does this lead my post you wonder. Well I think I need to clarify why some of my comments on blogs show up with my blog title and others with the Google account name Step Back Jack. Here is the story (not riveting, just background):

Once upon a time a lonely woman was on Craigs List attempting to find "great deals" to cheaply furnish her new home. She bought the home with no belongings having left them all in a place called hell some 400 miles to the west. I stumbled upon their community for recovery and out of curiosity I clicked. What a mess that place is and if you want to end up worse than your arrival, please go. A kind,compassionate person found me there and invited me to view her blog (thanks JW for your passion, making a difference. You have made so many people feel like I have and have brought such wonderful people here that I would have never had the privilege of knowing, cyber friends. It almost makes everything you went through justified, I said almost ;) ). Before she found me I didn't have a clue about blogs or where to find them (obviously if I didn't know about them then I wouldn't be able to find them, duh). She gave me a little background on her situation and I felt compelled to continue reading. I went for weeks reading her blog and finding others that found her. I decided to make by own blog. I did not have a Google account and needed to set one up. I make all of my passwords dirty words (like I said I love the expressions and meanings) and was hostile when making this account. Recovery hits everyone differently and I was angry for a good part of mine (I still am, sometimes). I started my blog and named is the appropriate name, Married to My Ex. At the time I assumed that C would leave rehab and die of an overdose but I was still married to that obsession, that need to help, control, change. The fact that he stayed for 4 months and has so far been clean is incidental. Until I sought help for myself I would have always been married and unavailable to anyone, mostly to myself. So when you see my comments as Step Back Jack you know it is me. I am both attached and available, detached and clingy, married and divorced. This is a process, as I have finally learned, of letting go and reclaiming. It isn't easy but as I have written in the past, the most noble or correct way is usually the hard way. Anything worth having is always worked for. how else can you appreciate it?

She finally did it!!!!

My friend A has decided to blog, finally! She is moving out of denial and into recovery but needs some help. She knows how much blogging has helped me so she is trying it. She really needs it with all of the shit her hubby is doing. Check her out here at More Mad.

5 reasons why Dexter is ruling my life.

#1 I am not able to think about any other police, forensic or investigative shows now. The point of view the show uses makes me happy because we hear his thoughts, and boy are they funny.

#2 I love the sister in this show. She kills me. I hate that she is rail thin but I do love her flawed but well meaning character.

#3 Most of the characters on the show are great. You can really learn to love or hate them and that makes me feel super connected.

#4 It is clever and dry. I love dry comedy and this show is full of it. It also has it's dramatic moments. Sopranos was similar in the respect.

#5 It is graphic and gory and I am a fan of horror/sci fi. (Also, Dexter has a hot body, but I cannot make up my mind about his face)

All of these reasons keep me from going to bed on time and from studying/homework. I am glad that the reruns have stopped and the new season starts soon. Then I am only hypnotized one night a week instead of 5.

Wondering

My friend, A, has decided to leave her crack addicted hubby. I can feel it. It makes my stomach hurt. The same way an addict can spot another addict and know he/she is using is the same way a codie can spot another codie and know when they are "using". I knew he was about to binge and I asked her if she did. She admitted that she could feel it. It is something I think we can all feel.

I hate that drugs and alcohol rule and ruin so many people. It isn't just the addict, it is so far reaching. It screws up so many people. Society needs to do more than what is does now to fight addiction and the problems is causes.

I don't see addiction being addressed in the manner needed to curb it. If awareness and acceptance are stressed maybe it will change some lives. I know that until I fully understood addiction I really put C in the dirt and gutter. So many of my loved ones still would but they don't understand. It isn't a choice. It took me YEARS to get that small concept but it changed my thinking.

I drive down a road littered with crack heads and I used to think of them as trash. Not anymore. Now I see them for what they are; sick, lonely and lost. It is overwhelming sometimes. I know I can't change the world, but I would like to make it a little better.

What?

You know that hero voice, the one super heroes use when they are injured but they continue on? Well think that when reading this: can't go on.... too much homework... must read another chapter... must write a 30 pages paper on something on humanities which really, if you take a pic of my class everyone looks like the pic I am posting here... must write not so fun papers...

Oh yes, I am totally overwhelmed, but only for a moment. I am finding my groove. Lord, I hope I find that groove. C is well. He hasn't cracked or anything so that everyday is looking a little brighter. Everyday that isn't clouded with crack, liquor or that blood sucking whore Vicodin is a super day! (why don't I tell you how I really feel, huh?) ;)

So, I am reading posts, I promise and when I get pissed I will cuntface over at JW's place but I promise I am still around, just got my balls to the walls baby!

Quickee

School was awesome. As I walked on the campus with my backpack I felt like I was home. I love school. It is one area that I am truly passionate about.

Home is great. I mean, it is messy, but it is great. My son is playing tackle football this year (I am in TX and football is religion here). He looks so cute though.

I did find a scratch off ticket in my car console. That concerns me b/c like a good addict he is addicting to gambling too. C is addicting to everything that leads him to either a bar, a pawn shop or jail.

I talked with him about it and he said he wasn't hiding it from me. He knows it could be a problem and it was a good talk. He wasn't defensive. He has promised to try. That is better than an "I won't ever" promise. More meaningful. He always promised "never again" and didn't deliver. Now he is trying so that is something.

I get my two school kiddos into school Monday and I cannot wait. I am ready for that structure.

Money is tight, but when isn't it? I had to buy my books, their supplies, C's work clothes, and on and on. Oh well. At least it is for good things.

I met with the Assistant District Attorney last week. I forgot to mention it. I signed an affidavit of non prosecution. He isn't sure if they are dropping it or not, but it is a step. I wanted to ask, wtf will it take? It is my damn house and if I don't want to prosecute I should have that option. Damn. The legal system is a bitch.

So that is my quick update. On to the blogs of others.

School's in

School starts for me tomorrow. I am attempting 15 hours and a full time job. I will blog as often as I can. I will do it instead of working!!!

So now I am angry because I cannot find his belt. Why should I have to look for his goddamn belt? It is in some insane place that he put it and cannot remember where that is. Are all guys like this?

He calls me unorganized all of the time. He doesn't know what day of the week it is. I bought a big calendar and wrote out every one's schedule. It isn't anal, it is prepared! Will he ever look at it? No. Will he call me and ask me what I work or where so and so is? Yes.

Oh, he found his belt. It was on a pair of shorts that were thrown into the closet, dirty. Can you guess who did that?

At any rate. It will smooth out. I am excited about school and received all my books through the mail without incident. I am taking three education classes, a humanities class and a religion class. I am sincerely excited about them all. I will keep you updated without boring lectures.

Mother, may I.....

When we get remarried do I keep the name the same? I mean when I came up with the name it was symbolic that while I was no longer legally married to him I was obsessed enough to still be. Any thoughts on that?

Also, it has been a while since I left a meaty post. I will attempt to do so now. I am deathly afraid of my children. Not like they are going to smother me while I sleep. I am afraid that they will be like C. When I was in school and offered drugs and had boyfriends that were bad I was scared. I mean I wasn't afraid like someone was going to hurt me but I was afraid because I knew what I was doing was wrong.


I had sex for the first time to spite myself. I made him stop after a few pushes. It hurt like hell. I smoked weed once and I made a deal with God that it wouldn't happen again. I did drink. I drank at parties but never to a point of black out. Oh, I threw up once or twice but I stopped at tipsy. I did my share of sneaking out and getting caught and skipping school. I hated my family because they were stupid. I knew it was all wrong.

I never went past it though. I never went to the point of partying like C did. By 15 he was into coke and speed. I was way to scared for those things. He never was. If he was scared he got over it. I would have never ever been able to do those things. I am not afraid of life. I am not afraid of the cops (though now I really don't like them). I am not afraid of being by myself.

I am afraid of not wearing a seat belt. I am afraid of speeding. I hate being up past 10 (even though it is 11). I have narrowed the reason why I am the way that I am to one thing : I am 80. I am an 80 year old person that has the sex drive of a 15 year old boy. That is only a recent thing btw. When C was really bad we were lucky to have sex once a month. I didn't want to most of the time. I was too hurt.

So now I am afraid of my kids. How do I make them not like C and not like me? How do I put them in the middle. Not afraid of spice, but afraid of fire? Is there a way to make them happy and level and happy level? Does it work that way?

They are still innocent and perfect but I am staring down the barrel of teen angst and before they hate me I want to mold them. Oh, the pain and pleasure of parenting.

From the past

This isn't a war story because I am not proud of it. But I have a very dry, dark humor and really laugh at some of the weird shit I did over addiction. I went through all of the stages of grief but I think I should include one that isn't listed: Insanity. I had it down. In my insane moments I did really insane stuff. I will put it here but if I ever run for public office and someone finds this I am ruined.

Some of you may have read the Cinnamon story at Mantramine's blog, in reference to her story about searching her hubby's van. Who hasn't plowed through someones belongings looking for "it". "It" ladies and gentleman is that, something we know is wrong although we aren't sure what "it" is. We will know when we find "it". Some of us know what paraphernalia or drugs look like, some of don't. I had no idea why I had Brillo pad pieces in the pocket of my seat in the car. I didn't smoke crack so I didn't know what it was for.

But I did know when I found something that shouldn't be there. And when I became aware I began searching. I wasn't sure for what but I would know when I found "it". I found lots of things he didn't want me to see. I went through a period when I thought he hid things like a scavenger hunt and it was a game. I was so sick.

But to the funny stories. Or sad. It depends on the way you read it. Imagine a laugh track like to Funny Videos, it makes it better. Once when C was high on speed he passed a pig farm. He knew he had been very bad so he thought he would buy me a pig to make up for it. We live in city limits. We have a dog and a cat. He brought the pig to my work. What the fuck am I going to do with a pig at my work???

Once I found a plethora of pills on a cig package and dumped them on the front lawn. I turned on the water hose and watered them into the ground. I think if he hadn't been high he would have killed me. Once after investigating our cell phone bill I found a number over and over. I called it and pretended to have received the name and number from C because he thought she might be interested in a car. It blew her mind that C would say she wanted a car because she didn't really even know him. She turned out to be one half of a couple that sold speed. I should have taken the pig to her house. ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

I found a crack pipe in an empty cassette case with tin foil. I wasn't too sure at the time what those were but he said that he found in on the road. That was paired up with a really raunchy porn mag that cost a lot because it showed everything. All I could think was that girl taking that 5" in diameter penis was someones daughter. It looked really painful.

Once I found pills and I flushed them but left a really funny note in their place. He found it because I found it crumpled on the floor near the hiding spot but he never said anything. I felt so satisfied about that one. It was a really big thing for me because I didn't confront him.

This isn't too funny. Well, somethings are. It is funnier in my head than on paper. Well, we have more times ahead and so far this month has been better than the previous 6 years!! I feel positive about it. This shit was on my mind and had to get it out.

Thanks!

Three and one to grow on....

Today is my littlest baby's birthday. She is 3. She thinks she is 5 so if you ask her how old she is you get that answer. We went to Chuck E Cheese and C and I had a ski ball competition. I kicked his ass. It was fun.

The text books are coming in without incident and I am enjoying receiving something other than bills in the mail. I am a dork and have already scanned most of the first chapters of the books I have so far. I love school. I love most things about it. I love the accomplishment you feel at the end of a semester and I haven't taken one class that I didn't enjoy. Those that I thought I would hate I loved. Such is life.

C is calling on the warrants and tickets all by himself. I guess my little man is growing up. Sniff. He told me the other day that he is a man. I think he means it. That makes me happy. At 33 he should be. He is mentally growing up. It was hard living with a 20 year old so I am happy to see the 30's catching up with him. I guess it is true that when the addiction starts the brain stops!

I did get really mad. For the last years of our marriage he slept on the couch. It was symbolic really, him not in my bed. I put him there. He wanted to be there. It was easier to drink or smoke or snort without me in the way. One of my conditions when moving back in was that he go to bed with me and stay with me. In the middle of the night he gets up and eats (thin as he is) and falls asleep on the couch. It is really pissing me off because it flashes me back immediately and I freak. I have not gotten out of bed except once to "check" on him, aka. police sort of checking.

I did have my house booby trapped one time to catch him (hiding places, etc) but I will not ever go back to that.

Well I have to catch up on the reading and have to play with my princess (she really is a princess with the glittery pink gown on she received). Have a wonderful night!

Sunday, Sunday

I have had the first lazy Sunday that I have had in a while. It is nice to never get out of your pajamas. Well, you take a bath and change into different pajamas, but it rocks! I did do the dishes and fix the garbage disposal. I am woman, hear me roar!

So C and I are being as honest and open about the future. We both know what it takes to stay sober, stay honest and stay happy. We are not fools and we know that hard times always come with good, but it is how we handle it that makes the difference.

Like the warrant issue. I cannot tell the story without it sounding like a transcript of a Maury Povich episode. The warrants needed to be satisfied. We get down there and do the bonds. Lo and behold! An outstanding warrant. Another $1000 down the drain. I am not mad at him. We both called that county on separate occasions so set up payment arrangements for 4 tickets and even asked, "Is that all?" to which we got a "Yes" but apparently not.

I used to truly believe that police were honest and as long as you did the right things then they would work for you. Wrong. I have been lied to twice and the only wrong things I have ever done was a seat belt ticket in high school, a speeding ticket and a ticket for out dated registration. The end. Oh yeah, and a MIP in high school for being around people with alcohol at a street dance in the town I lived in. That was a crock of shit.

At any rate. I am really down with law enforcement and it will take a lot to resume that level of respect. I even donate annually to the something fund for fallen officers and their families. Ugh. Reality sucks.

So that is Sunday. Nothing big. Which makes it my favorite kind of days. And for the codependents out there, he is calling these places too. I am not doing it for him. Me saying this almost sounds like an admission of guilt, huh?