I'm feeling a little funky. I started reading the regular round 'o blogs and I stopped. Something negative is there and I can feel it. I hate addiction. A great friend of mine is going through the worst of times and it sucks for her. She calls me and cries to me. I am a bad friend to her. I don't want to hear it. Is that wrong? It is too fresh for me still. Is that horrible of me? Of all the things I have learned in my time I have learned to appreciate the value of a good day. I had a good day. I can make my days good and that is what I choose now. There is little I can effect but I can affect much. If what I have been through left me anything it is the scars of my own making. Life is too short for this shit.

A big greasy burrito

I don't believe in reincarnation. I think it is a really neat idea to consider. This is not to say that I don't believe in spirits or a spiritual world because I do but I don't really subscribe to the idea that I have had past lives. This being said, I really feel like an old person in a 29 year-old body. I don't enjoy the things my peer do. When I went through my divorce I had a compulsion to go out and party. And I did, once. And I drank, three drinks. And I went home. Period. I didn't dance. I didn't pick up anyone. I ate a greasy burrito.

My life is a greasy burrito. I enjoyed the burrito more than the $7 Sangrias and the shitty band that played.

It was refreshing to go out an let my hair down. I always regret it though b/c I think of the money I spent and what is left to show for it.

I had my first baby at 18. I made the choice then to put aside any partying tendencies and raise her the best I could. I had so many acquaintances that had babies young and was a co-parent to their child with their parents. I vowed not to ever do that, not to me, to her or to my parents. And I didn't. I have my 11 year-old baby along with my 8 and 3 (one of which is on my lap).

I guess the point to the rambling post is the loneliness I feel sometimes. I work with women very similar to me that enjoy clubbing and such. Am I alone? Am I really an 80 year old person in my 29 year-old body? Ugh.

I wish I could relax enough to see the value in drinking and dancing. Is it b/c of my addict hubby? Do you think he made me really hate it? I see so many problems when I see my friends "going out". There are so many things that could/should/and do go wrong. I know we live for today but aren't we not really asking for it but should we expect it when we put ourselves in those situations? I need clarity.

I normally count my blessings and can snap out of these moods but today I cannot. I am inside my head. I am having a problem but I cannot figure out what it is. There is something nameless floating around inside of me but I cannot grab it and shake it.

I am melancholy. I love that word. It is beautiful. I wish it wasn't so sad. I wasn't this way when I woke up. I received a call from my friend. She was giving me the details of her night that included our co-worker and an ex-friend of ours. I say ex because once that crazy bitch found ice we had to let her go. It was easier to set that boundary than with my hubby. At least I learned something.

At any rate she was giving me the details of how it progressed from dancing in a club to ending up at a drug dealers house where they were given a choice, tits or money. Fun times.

I am not sure why I am so affected by this story. If they want to flash for joints then that is their perogative. Why I am so pulled down by this?

My overall feeling right now is alone. I feel alone sometimes. I don't feel like I fit in with society sometimes. I am growing jaded and sad. I hate what I see around me sometimes. As a child I believed that people were good until they grew up. Once they grew up they made the decision to be bad or good. If that was/is true then why do I see so many good people doing bad things? Why does this hurt me so bad today?

I wish I didn't have such a problem with Church. Don't get me wrong, I am not an atheist. I believe in God and Jesus but I am also a woman and a feminist and I don't like how women are portrayed in many aspects of the bible or how hypocritical the members of a church can be (grew up in a southern baptist area). That being said, I wish I didn't have such a problem with it. I really feel like I could find a home in religion. Maybe it is what I need, to be full of faith that my fellow people are good and want to do good things.

I don't believe that all people should fit into cookie cutter shapes, that if the shoe doesn't fit too bad. I know that we have diversity and cultures and I love that about our world. But there are some things that cross all cut lures as being bad and lying is one of those things. What good happens when you are out at 3 am? Can someone please tell me what the hell this rambling post points me to?

Sorry if anything in here offended anyone. I am just typing as it comes to me and I don't wish anyone harm or feel that I have attacked any beliefs. I encourage feed back. Did I really just type a disclaimer?

Dump

Here's the problem: remarriage. Do I want to? Can I? What makes me put it off? I cringe at the thought of divorce. I am not entering into this with that on the forefront but we have to be realistic. He is a recovering addict. Does 6 months clean make a success story? Would like to think so but again, realistic. I am not being stubborn or a bitch. I am scared. I am afraid of opening up my mortgage, my car payment, my bank account to a person that has squeezed the life and blood out of me (by my permission).
Do I open the kids up to that again? The thought of telling them sorry, we are divorcing? Daddy didn't recover? Omg. I am so confused. I love him. I really do. I believe that he is clean and healthy and happy. I don't trust him yet. I mean I do, with small things like cashing his paycheck and giving it to me. Small trips with the car, stuff like that. It was hard but I had to give and so did he. Do I trust him with EVERYTHING? When is it long enough to be sure? Again I feel like I did in the throes of codependency and addiction. Ugh. I hate being unsure. That is the worst part of "it". The "it" as you will recall is that demon, the thing that consumes the addict and those around him/her. "It" runs on it's own time frame and it never jives with my plans. That is when I gave it up. It was nice to release. What a rambling post. It truly feels better to get it out. That energy is destructive to the mind and spirit. Thanks for the unloading.