Squeezing my lemons.

Parenting is probably one of the most underrated jobs ever. The top is being in a relationship and being a parent. I cannot think of a situation with more time bombs just tick tick ticking away.
The shit happens when one parent is the disciplinarian and the other, well, a friend. I am always the "bad guy", the one that kills fun time for bed time and the one that makes them brush their teeth. I make them do homework and check their folders and he takes them on bike rides. Great. I am glad that they are bonding.
Hell no.
I actually heard him tell the kids "you better hurry and get this done or we will all be in trouble". WTF.
That was really said. I don't fucking think so. We are in this job together. The kids aren't supposed to like us. Love us, yeah. Trust us, yeah. Respect us, yeah. Like us, conditional (depending on the moment).
Boiling mad right now. Just might explode. But alas, here I sit, typing a short entry into my blog. You might here me explode in a bit. Don't worry, it isn't terminal. It is just another night in paradise. The good thing about it is the kids are now all in their rooms and I don't have to watch football! When life gives you lemons throw them at someone near you!

Roses are red.

My old man turned 22 yesterday. I am estimating his mental age a little but we are definitely out of the teen age years. Sometimes I would put him closer to his actual age (34) but for the most part b/c of the fart jokes he is still in the early twenties. I am pleased to say that he is still employed and has twice cashed his checks without me and deposited them into my bank account without me. You must know what an accomplishment this is. I was even shown the check stubs! We are getting so responsible.
I was a little concerned b/c the deposit amount didn't match the check amount. I was waiting, deciding how to handle this when I was surprised with a dozen roses delivered to my work! I am in love.
So he was properly banged for his birthday.
I am swamped with school and work. I am debating on a major change (again!). I am never satisfied. Does anyone else go through this? Why are we defined by our careers? Ugh. I need a guidance counselor. Will I always go through this? How can a 20 year old person know exactly what they want to be? I am the only person in any of my classes that flip flops like this. Help!
I cannot decide if a job with actual money is worth the change. I am giving so much of myself away right now. I want to be fairly compensated for it. I currently make about $40-50k a year (depending on the market) and I don't want to work this damn hard only to make the same money. Is is wrong of me? I feel the pull of the legal field so strong and I want to do it. Help!!!!

But my stapler...

I am sure that everyone has seen Office Space by now. Well, the poor fellow that keeps getting shoved into closets and basements, that is me. We are moving my department into a break room. This break room has "permanent dirt" that cannot be cleaned. It is also the location of the coffee machine and fridge. Everyone comes in there and heats up their smelly food. It has tile floors. The majority of work I do is over the phone. I am sure it will be loud as hell. I am actually feeling very unappreciated today. I am going to whine and stomp my feet I think. Some days being 5 really rocks.

How the necklace ruined my day

I was a married to an addict long enough to have everything of value pawned for drugs. I am now acquiring those things that were stolen and sold for a fraction of their price for crack. It has been fun buying a new camera, dvd's, TVs and jewelry. I am a little tight so I don't buy very expensive items for myself. I do splurge on the kids though. My last insane purchase for myself was my Coach purse and wallet. Guys will never understand the purse obsession.
ps My Louis Vitton purse was also pawned. What a sad day.

To the point. My necklace is missing. It is my fault. I took it off at the computer desk. Even when taking it off I remember making a mental note to put it up. My room is not a sacred hideaway like my parents was. My children are welcome anytime and my 3 year old loves it in here. She also loves jewelry.

So my necklace isn't just lost, it is dead. I cannot find it anywhere. I am disappointed but mostly because of the symbolic meaning behind that necklace. It was a necklace the C bought me. I really didn't care for the style but I loved it because of the care and pride he showed when he gave it to me.

I have looked for it for weeks and it didn't occur to me that he could have pawned it until my friend, A, mentioned her camera is gone. Well those of you that have found her blog probably can guess where that camera is. I remember those feelings. Such frustration and hurt. It made me remember wondering about my camcorder, dvds, whatever. Then I thought about the necklace.

He was hurt when I brought it up but he does have some history there. He told me that he hadn't been in a pawn shop in months. He didn't swear it. He didn't promise it. He didn't defend it and then get really mad and bring up something that I never did (cheat) to take the focus off him. He just said that it upsets him that I have that question but he understands why.

I would just really feel better if the necklace appeared. I hate that doubt. To be honest though, I hadn't thought about him pawning it until now and I do feel that I am barking up the wrong tree. In the past when I thought something about a situation, usually my first gut feeling was always right. When the necklace disappeared I didn't think that way at all. He has a job and has money. He has gained 20 pounds since coming home in July.

Now I sound like I am defending him. Funny how we (codies) will do that. Be that as it may, even is he did pawn it I cannot stop him from doing so. I have learned much about addiction in the past year, more than I did in any other year. I have learned that I truly cannot control C, change C or cause his addiction. I do have a firm grasp on that. One day, in 20 years I will find that stupid necklace in some obscure corner of this house and I will present it to my three year old, then 23, with her present. I am sure she will love it now as much as she did on the day she picked it up and took it with all the other socks I am missing.

Back To Hell

Literally. We have to go back to Hell and clear up C's court troubles there. We. Yes we. I was looking up bus tickets b/c he didn't have access to the Internet at his job, not to mention he is computer illiterate, and he mentioned to me that he was a little afraid of going.

What? Well he told me later, on his lunch break, that he was afraid of going there alone. It was such a bad place for us. Not the place, but what spot he was in his addiction when he was there. It was a bad place for us both. That is why I call it hell. It really sucks there, especially when you are born and raised in a metroplex area. We didn't know what we were going to, really. It was one of the most impulsive things I have ever done in my entire life.

At any rate, it was an experience that had to happen and one I don't regret. I learned a lot about myself and he did as well. He asked me to go with him. I agreed. He asked for my support, not my support, but the support of a friend in a hard place. It was the first time he has ever asked for something like that. And it was the first time that I didn't volunteer it. I guess it happened like it is suppose to. You know, someone asks for help and they receive it. What a novel idea!

At any rate. I am pleased with it. If one of us has to go back there and needs support then the other should be able and willing to do it. And I am. And he is ready to go. It is a formality really. All we are doing is having the DWI crap transferred to our area. He has to do it in person though. Fucking red tape.

Have a great night! Will post when I can ( I only have about, umm, 12 papers due at the end of this month). I love school. =)

Who am I

I love words. I think they are so underrated as a form of expression. Some of you know how I cherish cuss words and the meanings they show when used in certain situations.

Where does this lead my post you wonder. Well I think I need to clarify why some of my comments on blogs show up with my blog title and others with the Google account name Step Back Jack. Here is the story (not riveting, just background):

Once upon a time a lonely woman was on Craigs List attempting to find "great deals" to cheaply furnish her new home. She bought the home with no belongings having left them all in a place called hell some 400 miles to the west. I stumbled upon their community for recovery and out of curiosity I clicked. What a mess that place is and if you want to end up worse than your arrival, please go. A kind,compassionate person found me there and invited me to view her blog (thanks JW for your passion, making a difference. You have made so many people feel like I have and have brought such wonderful people here that I would have never had the privilege of knowing, cyber friends. It almost makes everything you went through justified, I said almost ;) ). Before she found me I didn't have a clue about blogs or where to find them (obviously if I didn't know about them then I wouldn't be able to find them, duh). She gave me a little background on her situation and I felt compelled to continue reading. I went for weeks reading her blog and finding others that found her. I decided to make by own blog. I did not have a Google account and needed to set one up. I make all of my passwords dirty words (like I said I love the expressions and meanings) and was hostile when making this account. Recovery hits everyone differently and I was angry for a good part of mine (I still am, sometimes). I started my blog and named is the appropriate name, Married to My Ex. At the time I assumed that C would leave rehab and die of an overdose but I was still married to that obsession, that need to help, control, change. The fact that he stayed for 4 months and has so far been clean is incidental. Until I sought help for myself I would have always been married and unavailable to anyone, mostly to myself. So when you see my comments as Step Back Jack you know it is me. I am both attached and available, detached and clingy, married and divorced. This is a process, as I have finally learned, of letting go and reclaiming. It isn't easy but as I have written in the past, the most noble or correct way is usually the hard way. Anything worth having is always worked for. how else can you appreciate it?

She finally did it!!!!

My friend A has decided to blog, finally! She is moving out of denial and into recovery but needs some help. She knows how much blogging has helped me so she is trying it. She really needs it with all of the shit her hubby is doing. Check her out here at More Mad.

5 reasons why Dexter is ruling my life.

#1 I am not able to think about any other police, forensic or investigative shows now. The point of view the show uses makes me happy because we hear his thoughts, and boy are they funny.

#2 I love the sister in this show. She kills me. I hate that she is rail thin but I do love her flawed but well meaning character.

#3 Most of the characters on the show are great. You can really learn to love or hate them and that makes me feel super connected.

#4 It is clever and dry. I love dry comedy and this show is full of it. It also has it's dramatic moments. Sopranos was similar in the respect.

#5 It is graphic and gory and I am a fan of horror/sci fi. (Also, Dexter has a hot body, but I cannot make up my mind about his face)

All of these reasons keep me from going to bed on time and from studying/homework. I am glad that the reruns have stopped and the new season starts soon. Then I am only hypnotized one night a week instead of 5.

Wondering

My friend, A, has decided to leave her crack addicted hubby. I can feel it. It makes my stomach hurt. The same way an addict can spot another addict and know he/she is using is the same way a codie can spot another codie and know when they are "using". I knew he was about to binge and I asked her if she did. She admitted that she could feel it. It is something I think we can all feel.

I hate that drugs and alcohol rule and ruin so many people. It isn't just the addict, it is so far reaching. It screws up so many people. Society needs to do more than what is does now to fight addiction and the problems is causes.

I don't see addiction being addressed in the manner needed to curb it. If awareness and acceptance are stressed maybe it will change some lives. I know that until I fully understood addiction I really put C in the dirt and gutter. So many of my loved ones still would but they don't understand. It isn't a choice. It took me YEARS to get that small concept but it changed my thinking.

I drive down a road littered with crack heads and I used to think of them as trash. Not anymore. Now I see them for what they are; sick, lonely and lost. It is overwhelming sometimes. I know I can't change the world, but I would like to make it a little better.